Hi Douglas,
You describe a kind of obsessive fixation on something which should be a grand relaxing and letting go. It is a bit like someone trying to ride a bicycle, or even walk, who becomes fixated on "now I must bend my right leg, now I must bend my left," to the point that they cannot move, then trip over themselves. Just relax, let go, let it happen naturally by not trying. Relax, release and drop away all effort.
In your case, I would not recommend attempting "open awareness" now, or trying to "stay balanced" (we never try to stay balanced in Zazen, just another form of trying.) In fact, put down all trying. I would follow the breath. Just feel the breath (don't think anything particularly about it, don't count the breaths) as the breath gently enters and exits at the nose. Feel it, but don't even think "in" or "out" (it does not need you to do that, and breath takes care of itself) and just breathe naturally. Keep your attention there until other thoughts do not become objects of fixation. When you do relax, if you do feel untangled from thoughts, when you feel that you have relaxed from "trying," then you might move to "open awareness" for some time, then back to following the breath if thoughts start to tangle again.
As has been said, Shikantaza Zazen is not about stopping thoughts. It is about not grabbing on, playing with them, getting tangled in their long chains when they appear and come into mind. The train of thoughts comes through the station of the mind, and we just don't get on, letting the trains pass on through.
The river just flows, it does not try to flow, it does not search for the water. The wind just blows, it does not try to blow or search for the air.
Somebody above said to "try to notice the thoughts as they go by," but do not do that. Just let them flit by, like trains passing through the station, or passing clouds through the open blue sky, unmolested by your efforts.
The eye is foolish to search for the eye, like a man searching for his glasses which are already on the tip of his nose. Give up the search, and trust that the eye is already found. Don't try to find the thoughts, don't try to find some self, don't try to find some essence, don't try to stop the thoughts, just put it all down. Just drop the searching and the trying, radically to the bone, and all is found. It is like someone in Times Square searching for New York City as someplace distant and apart. Once he gives up the search for something apart, and trusts that one has already arrived, the Big Apple is found. It is the very hunt and search which keeps one from realizing what is present, so radically drop the hunt and search in the bones.
Do not try to "be aware" during Zazen or try anything at all. (One might nurture more awareness of one's thought patterns perhaps off the cushion, but not on.) On the cushion, give up all trying, like someone putting down a heavy burden, letting it float away as if washed down a river. Just let the trying go.
I like the example of the Olympic spear thrower mentioned, but I would not even try to "Just Do." I would not try to hit any target, or even try to not try. I would just release all effort and rest in completion, where no effort need be made and all is already done. Shikantaza is strange, in that the target is hit not as some distant goal, but right here ... when we give up all attempt to throw. Put down all need to do, and just realize the Zafu is the target and you are the spear already hitting the mark just by sitting.
Sit just to sit, with nothing to do but sitting, sitting as the goal reached in sitting, sitting with trust that not a drop is lacking from this act of sitting. Sitting as the target reached just by butt on cushion, nothing more to do, no other place to be, during the time of sitting. Don't try to do anything else, put down all need to do anything else ... put down all intentional need to find the thoughts, breathe, walk or anything.
If distractions or obsessions come, just follow the breath ...
Gassho, J
stlah
[ATTACH=CONFIG]8460[/ATTACH]
You describe a kind of obsessive fixation on something which should be a grand relaxing and letting go. It is a bit like someone trying to ride a bicycle, or even walk, who becomes fixated on "now I must bend my right leg, now I must bend my left," to the point that they cannot move, then trip over themselves. Just relax, let go, let it happen naturally by not trying. Relax, release and drop away all effort.
In your case, I would not recommend attempting "open awareness" now, or trying to "stay balanced" (we never try to stay balanced in Zazen, just another form of trying.) In fact, put down all trying. I would follow the breath. Just feel the breath (don't think anything particularly about it, don't count the breaths) as the breath gently enters and exits at the nose. Feel it, but don't even think "in" or "out" (it does not need you to do that, and breath takes care of itself) and just breathe naturally. Keep your attention there until other thoughts do not become objects of fixation. When you do relax, if you do feel untangled from thoughts, when you feel that you have relaxed from "trying," then you might move to "open awareness" for some time, then back to following the breath if thoughts start to tangle again.
As has been said, Shikantaza Zazen is not about stopping thoughts. It is about not grabbing on, playing with them, getting tangled in their long chains when they appear and come into mind. The train of thoughts comes through the station of the mind, and we just don't get on, letting the trains pass on through.
The river just flows, it does not try to flow, it does not search for the water. The wind just blows, it does not try to blow or search for the air.
Somebody above said to "try to notice the thoughts as they go by," but do not do that. Just let them flit by, like trains passing through the station, or passing clouds through the open blue sky, unmolested by your efforts.
The eye is foolish to search for the eye, like a man searching for his glasses which are already on the tip of his nose. Give up the search, and trust that the eye is already found. Don't try to find the thoughts, don't try to find some self, don't try to find some essence, don't try to stop the thoughts, just put it all down. Just drop the searching and the trying, radically to the bone, and all is found. It is like someone in Times Square searching for New York City as someplace distant and apart. Once he gives up the search for something apart, and trusts that one has already arrived, the Big Apple is found. It is the very hunt and search which keeps one from realizing what is present, so radically drop the hunt and search in the bones.
Do not try to "be aware" during Zazen or try anything at all. (One might nurture more awareness of one's thought patterns perhaps off the cushion, but not on.) On the cushion, give up all trying, like someone putting down a heavy burden, letting it float away as if washed down a river. Just let the trying go.
I like the example of the Olympic spear thrower mentioned, but I would not even try to "Just Do." I would not try to hit any target, or even try to not try. I would just release all effort and rest in completion, where no effort need be made and all is already done. Shikantaza is strange, in that the target is hit not as some distant goal, but right here ... when we give up all attempt to throw. Put down all need to do, and just realize the Zafu is the target and you are the spear already hitting the mark just by sitting.
Sit just to sit, with nothing to do but sitting, sitting as the goal reached in sitting, sitting with trust that not a drop is lacking from this act of sitting. Sitting as the target reached just by butt on cushion, nothing more to do, no other place to be, during the time of sitting. Don't try to do anything else, put down all need to do anything else ... put down all intentional need to find the thoughts, breathe, walk or anything.
If distractions or obsessions come, just follow the breath ...
Gassho, J
stlah
[ATTACH=CONFIG]8460[/ATTACH]
SatLah
Kelly
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