Shortly after I began to practice with Sawaki Roshi, we were walking in Utsunomiya and I said, “As you know, I’m a rather weak-minded person, but I want to continue to practice zazen with you for twenty or even thirty years, or until you die. If I do that, will it be possible for a weak person like me to become a little stronger?”
Sawaki Roshi replied, “No! Zazen is good for nothing.” He had a loud, deep voice and was powerful and resolute. He wasn’t a weak yet handsome person like me! He was the traditional image of a Zen monk. “I’m not like this because of my practice,” he continued. “I was like this before I began to practice. Zazen doesn’t change a person. Zazen is good for nothing.”
When I heard those words I thought, “Although he says it isn’t possible, still, I’ll be able to improve myself.” I followed him and practiced zazen for twenty-five years, until his death in December 1965. While he was alive, I relied on him. After he died, I couldn’t do that anymore.
Just after his death, I recalled my question during our walk and asked myself, “Have I changed after practicing zazen with the roshi for twenty-five years?” I realized I hadn’t really changed at all.
In that moment it was natural for me to say to myself, “A violet blooms as a violet, a rose blooms as a rose.” There are people like Sawaki Roshi who resemble luxurious roses. There are people like me who resemble tiny, pretty violets. Which is better? It’s not a relevant question. We shouldn’t compare with others. It’s enough to blossom wholeheartedly, just as we are. That’s what I felt after Sawaki Roshi died.
In conclusion, I’m living out the life of the whole heaven and earth, the absolute reality, regardless of whether I accept or reject it.
The point of our practice is to manifest this life suffusing the whole heaven and earth, here and now. In this practice, there’s no judgment of success or failure. If there’s success and failure, I’m comparing myself. Since everything I encounter is part of my life, I shouldn’t treat anything without respect. I should take care of everything wholeheartedly. I practice this way. Everything I encounter is my life.
Uchiyama Roshi, Kosho (2014-11-04). Zen Teaching of Homeless Kodo (Kindle Locations 3636-3653). Wisdom Publications. Kindle Edition.