20 minute zazen...boom! Whoosh! Gone...

I just sat for the first time in a few days and it occurs to me that I have been hitched to a series of crazy daydreams again. Earlier in the night, I was hitched to some crazy story about not being capable of receiving love, of believing in it. Also hitched to a crazy dream about 'What if I get audited?' (which is odd because I'm conservative in my claims anyway) 'What if I don't get my job extended?' 'What if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm a terrible person?' 'Hell, what if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm an indispensable part of her life?' (and I'm not sure which causes more anxiety, LOL).

And then I sit zazen and the daydreams crash into nothingness. There is no energy to sustain them and they just...fall away.

A glimpse of this is not enough, except right now. Glimpse it again. Glimpse it again. It may take a very long time for these conditioned 'call and response' patterns to dissipate, but they do dissipate over time AND immediately in the moment. Sanity is SO close at hand that you simply have to STOP 'moving' and it's there. When Buddha said we were fettered, he lied for convenience sake. A lie in service of the truth, maybe? But there never are and never have been any fetters nor anyone bound. Stop, listen, and you will see that this is so. But this is not enough (and yet it is)! What good is it to be sane only to commence in being totally batshit crazy again? And yet, that's what we do, until we don't anymore. You can't expend energy to create happiness, peace, or sanity - it's there the moment we stop struggling for it. Stop struggling, it's ok to die. You're going to die anyway. Die right now - right now on the cushion, and then keep dying when you get bow and walk around in the world again.

But still, do your taxes. Kiss your girl. Get to work on time. No difference.

Chet