I'm not sure where exactly to begin. I've been interested in Buddhism for some 7 or 8 years now. I've practiced, as in sat, on and off for periods during that time, the most recent and longest of those was about six months of almost daily meditation earlier this year/part of last year. I've listened to hundreds of dharma talks, and I've read books, many of which have felt profound at the time.

But I have a short memory, and an even shorter attention span. Often I'm angry, depressed and most of the time none of this helps. I feel like the sum total of everything I've experienced in the category of Buddhism, at least in what I can try to remember in my cloudy mind, boils down to putting everything aside and breathing, sitting. But the problem is, breathing and meditation don't seem to provide any lasting results. I quit sitting, last time around, because I ended up 1) hurting my ankle trying to sit long hours during a retreat and 2) I asked the teacher the seemingly ridiculous question of "what happens when I meditate away my ability to enjoy life?", as in I was starting to fear the emptiness I felt. My life is already empty and without meaning, or so it seems very frightening to let go of even the trivial things that make it pass by more quickly.

So then I try to forget results. So what then? Why practice? My mind won't stop deconstructing everything I do, and I don't have the stamina to meditate into oblivion. I'm out of energy to pursue Buddhism, tired of defending it as it no longer seems the perfectly ideal path I once believed it was.

I apologize for feeling downright belligerent as I write, I don't know if it's coming through the words or not, but I'm here to have my ego shattered. Once my rollercoaster of anger dips back down into a trough of depression, I'll likely feel like a fool for having opened my mouth.