The Continuing Tales of Gendo JinKan

[Doshin]

Doshin, st

[DGF]

Thank you for your words,

Gassho
Diana

Sat

[Shade]

Thank you Jinkan for sharing your insight with us. I am grateful for the wisdom you have offered.



Gassho,

Chukyo

ST

[Jinkan]

This week has been pretty rough. I had surgery Thursday morning and multiple tests throughout the week. I am writing these words while throwing up into a bucket and trying not to cry in pain. Hopefully I will feel better tonight or tomorrow and I will write me regular update. I look forward to our upcoming Ango. I hope you all have positive and productive Ango’s.
Gassho
JinKan
Sat

[Onkai]

Metta, JinKan. I hope you do feel better soon. Thank you for checking in.

Gassho, Onkai
Sat lah

[Naiko]

Hoping you will soon be more comfortable, JinKan.

Naiko
st

[Jundo]

This week has been pretty rough. I had surgery Thursday morning and multiple tests throughout the week. I am writing these words while throwing up into a bucket and trying not to cry in pain. Hopefully I will feel better tonight or tomorrow and I will write me regular update. I look forward to our upcoming Ango. I hope you all have positive and productive Ango’s.
Gassho
JinKan
Sat

We are with you, Jin. Send some of the pain this way, we can handle it.

I posted some of your words in our Welcome message in our new "'The Zen of Health Ailments, in Body & Mind' Practice Group” ... now under construction ...

https://www.treeleaf.org/forums/foru...R-CONSTRUCTION

When you feel up to it, if you wish to post your own welcome message in that same thread, it would be ... most welcome.

Love you, Jinky.

Gassho, Jundo

stlah

PS - I made a portrait of you from your facebook link ...

I like the one you made too ...

[Anthony]

Metta, Jinkan. I am sorry you are feeling so poorly and I hope that you will feel better soon. Again, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.



Gassho, Anthony
Sat today

[DGF]

Also Metta, Jinkan.

Gassho
Diana
Sat

[Tai Shi]

My situation Jinkan is that I am in day six of detoxing from ten years of strong narcotics. Actually over the period from 2020/28/06 I brought my self to the strongest of three substances, and with the help of my old primary doctor I came dow2n to less than 1/2 of the strength of one of the strongest of the three, and he also helped me phase out of the easiest of these substances. I want to tell you that I was on all this never being told how to get off and prescribed by an old fashioned pain specialist MD, and I was at fault because when I learned of the destructive nature, I did not seek an easy out, except my old primary doctor helped me get down to 20 mg of the pills off one pill, but he strengthened the worst of the two, and I brought myself down to the next level of the strongest and the last remaining, and infact it hass been mee all along, but I have had the help of behavioral health at the hospital I am at now because I always went to their behavioral health hospital their therapist who has been my therapist and the psychiatrist who has been my psychiatrist, well I brought myself down the second of the last rung on the ladder, and now I am on the least of the strongest which is a patch, and in about eight days I will be off of all narcotics. Yes, I changed hospitals in mid stream and I have been well informed there that he strong nature of the last one is damaging my kidneys whish is stage four kidney failure, well I will get a new pacemaker around December, and I want to be off in plenty of time to adjust to my new pacemaker, and I want to see which of my bodily functions will improve because I also have mild emphysema. I want to see if the spasms in my side and at least my arm reduce its spasms. Many many years ago I cut myself and my arm has never been the same, but I think I may improve once my narcotics are completely out of my system. I will be completely off in in 19 days, and I will reduce the amount to zero in 8 days, the entire process taking about 28 days, first down to the least amount, then off, and I have severe Ankylosing Spondylitis, with severe arthritis of the spine though my rheumatologist says I am stable, and she will see me in five months and she has said I must get off the last of the narcotic, and especially important is my Nephrologist who informed me that now that I have entered stage four, nothing can be done to bring me down so my primary has told me how very important it is to get off, and today I will be on the absolutely barest minimum amount of any addictive substance I have been in for about ten years or so, and I am feeling the severe pain from being off and writing this is helping somewhat because Jenken brother, I want you to know I am right there with you except I have my dearest wife who Jundo calls my best Zen teacher, and my friend who was a doctor at the same hospital says that the old pain doctor would not have given me the narcotics unless I had not complained to him except all but the weakest I had never heard of. My old primary at the old hospital tried to get me down to the nearest minimum but I had to do that myself, and so I have made every step my own because I have up alcohol more than 36 years ago and I know a lot about the process of getting off addictive substances and this helps a lot, so I am nearly off and to write bout this helps and I know that literally every function in my body will improve once I am off the last of these drugs, so brother I am there with you except I am getting over the psychological part of this whole substance. As the saying goes denial is not a river in Egypt, So when I am of theses drugs I may be at the fact that I am a real alcoholic and a real addict, and I will am in real recovery and recovering myself. I am not afraid now that I have made a real start on this final leg of this journey. Next week I will find out if I have the start of a Myloma cancer, and the final blood tests have been drawn because I had two hot spots in my body so I have been going through extensive tests for cancer, and if I have cancer I will have to fight that without narcotics and the last two tests have been positive, though the biopsy was negative, but I will have to be screened for cancer yearly until I die. Sometimes I wonder when that will be because I am 72 and have been going through this stuff since I was 23 yearrs old and diagnosed with mental ill ness, and since I was 40 and diagnoed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, and from there things have been snowballing.
Gassho
sat/LAH

[Onkai]

Metta, Tai Shi.

Gassho, Onkai
Sat lah

[WorkerB]

This week has been pretty rough.

Metta to you, Jinkan.


b.
st

[WorkerB]

Metta, Tai Shi.


b.

st

[Jinkan]

Last week was a rough one. I had multiple doctors appointments that culminated in multiple surgical biopsies at our local hospital on Thursday morning. I dealt with pain and frustration after finding out me pharmacy was out of me pain medication. So I went into this week with schedule full of follow up appointments and lingering pain and anxieties from last weeks procedures. Recognizing how overwhelming me situation can be I found it imperative that I both find the time and take the time to practice. I was lucky because at the very start of the week I was afforded the chance to both serve and practice in the form of running a Dungeons and Dragons game for kids, teens and some young adults at the cancer center. The service was running the game and the practice was being fully present while I ran the game.

When I got to the center I checked in and did me blood work and treatments and then went to the room they set aside for me for the game. Once in the room I begin to set up for the game by drawing the different maps we would use and using wipes to sanitize me miniatures and dice. While doing this prep work I talked with some parents and in our conversation they repeated what I have heard many of the parents say. They start by thanking me for running the game and then say they knew how play and could lead a game for their kids. This talk culminated in them saying that they just wish they could do more for their kids.

I stopped doing prep work and I offered to listen. I listened for 30min only chiming in to validate their feelings or gently stop them if they tried to tear themselves down or minimize their feelings by saying they shouldn’t be complaining to me because of what I’m going through. Outside of a few instances I for the most part remained silent. After listening I shared with them what the kids told me after I had run 4 or 5 games. They told me me they liked playing with me because “I am always there when we play and I do everything I can to make the game fun.” Nowhere in that statement will you find I like playing with you because you are a great Dungeon Master or because of how well I know the game and its rules. I’m just there and I do what I can to make it fun. I would also go so far as to wager that making the game fun would be secondary to being just being “there”. I shared that this wasn’t about physical proximity but also being mentally and emotionally present. So when we play a game or even when I am just visiting and one of the kids is visibly in pain or throwing up I spend that time with them. I don’t let me self get caught up in thoughts of mortality (theirs and mine). I do not wish to be somewhere else or wish for them to be in better health. If these thoughts arise I let them go so I can be fully present with them in those few moments afforded us. I do this because that moment maybe the last chance I have to be with them and if I spend that time traversing the landscape of me imagination or caught in a maelstrom of thoughts then I have not spent that precious time with them. I would lose the infinite that can be found in an interconnected moment to illusory impermanent thoughts. So me advice to the parents who want to do more for their sick kids is the same one I would give you all at the start of this Ango. Be mindful of your thoughts so you can be present. This Ango just like many of the parents I talk to you may find yourself exhausted, frustrated, bored or even elated. Let go these mental states and the thoughts that flow from them. Let them go because they are subjective experiences masking the truth of the moment. They can stop you from being fully present with your dying child just as much as being present for your practice during Ango. Let them go to fully experience each moment. Moments that are all unique but similar at their core because they are all precious.
Gassho
JinKan
Sat

[Geika]

Thank you for being there for them, Jinkan.


stlah

[Jundo]

The true power of D&D ...

Gassho, J

stlah

[Kotei]

Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.

[Kiri]

Thank you Jinkan
Gassho, Kiri
Sat/Lah

Στάλθηκε από το SM-A705FN μου χρησιμοποιώντας Tapatalk

[Shinshi]

Thank you for all you do JinKan.

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

[Onkai]

Thank you, JinKan. Your teachings and model of practice are wonderful and deep.

Gassho, Onkai
Sat lah

[JasonC]

Thank you for sharing, JinKan. What a gift for those present during your visit (including yourself).

Gassho,

Jason

stlah

[RobO]

Metta, Jinkan.

Gassho,
Rob
St

[WorkerB]

So me advice to the parents who want to do more for their sick kids is the same one I would give you all at the start of this Ango. Be mindful of your thoughts so you can be present. This Ango just like many of the parents I talk to you may find yourself exhausted, frustrated, bored or even elated. Let go these mental states and the thoughts that flow from them. Let them go because they are subjective experiences masking the truth of the moment. They can stop you from being fully present with your dying child just as much as being present for your practice during Ango. Let them go to fully experience each moment. Moments that are all unique but similar at their core because they are all precious.

Thank you for your teaching, Jinkan.
b.

st

[Doshin]

Doshin
St

[ANDREALHOEKSTRA]

satlah

[Daiman]

Thank you Jinkan for this valuable teaching. You are making a difference just by being there and having the rare skills of just listening and being present.

Gassho,
Daiman
St/LAH

[Jinkan]

This week I want to share about a meeting and the gathering after I got to take part in. I got a chance to participate in a city council meeting with LGTBQ+ advocates and allies who were against the city trying to make books less accessible. Books that dealt with topics the fundamentalist Christian community I live in feels very uncomfortable with. I didn’t speak. I was honestly uncomfortable because outside of being in doctors offices and talking with other patients I mainly am a hermit. I might utter two or three words to me roommate tops and then I am left to me self. So to be in a packed room with so many raw emotions was unsettling to say the least. I sat though the uncomfortableness to support a cause I thought was just. I was there in robes that identify me as a Buddhist priest and I saw that for most it was a positive thing but their were some there who didn’t know me whose experiences with organized religion had made them weary of clergy(this will come up later).

I talked with people afterwards and I ended up chatting with a lady. She saw me with LGTBQ community and I thought that I would share her views. She was going on about Trans rights and I honestly was just nodding me head not trying to be rude. I was starting to get exhausted from standing for so long and I was in a lot of pain. She then made a matter of fact statement that trans children should be able to get medical treatment as soon as they realize they were trans. I told this lady that I am all for trans rights and doing all we can to help transgender people or people with gender dysphoria. But at this time I don’t think we should give hormonal treatment or surgery to children. Something until this conversation I had never heard anyone advocate for. I never got to explain the reasons behind me thinking. More studies need to be done in regards to hormone therapy in children and its developmental effects and if long term studies show it’s safe I would be ok with treatment. I didn’t get to advocate strongly for personal and family therapy to help transitioning kids. I didn’t get to explain this because this lady started chewing me out. She was frothing and telling me I wasn’t an ally. I will admit I don’t know a lot of trans people and sadly when I was in school studying psychology gender dysphoria and transgender issues were not really addressed. People started to gather around as the attacks got personal and she started going on about how she should have expected someone “like me” (I’m assuming religious or clergy) to not be an ally. I didn’t argue or fight back. It helped that in all honesty I didn’t have the energy to really engage but it also wasn’t the right way to handle the situation. I told her I am ok not being labeled an ally because that creates a distinction an other. I want do all I can to work for a world where all are excepted, with in reason of course no animals and children (which elicited a chuckle from the people behind me) and there is no need for the term ally. This was met with more expletives from her. Many people started yelling at her that what I had said was reasonable and a few of me lesbian friends yelled don’t f with the monk which made me chuckle. I found some of the people backing me up and yelling at this lady for me were the same people who seemed uncomfortable around me earlier.

I write this to show as practitioners it will always be our actions more than robes that define us and those actions should be guided by the wisdom of the mat. It was the letting go of thoughts like I’m in the right and emotions like anger or even fear that I might end up on the internet labeled Buddhist priest is anti trans. The recognition of those thoughts and emotions and letting them go allowed me to be calm and to not lash out and exhaustion also helped. I really PG’ed the interaction up by cutting out the vast amounts of expletives thrown me way. I found out later that it was not only me not attacking this lady as she attacked me, not answering anger with anger but trying to stop her from cursing and people from cursing at her and trying to calm people that changed some peoples view of clergy at least in regards to me and endeared me to more than a few people. Asking the lady and later the crowd to please not yell or curse as there were weans, wee ones present probably helped. May you all be able to use wisdom gained on the mat in your lives hopefully in less stressful circumstances. This Ango let your practice guide your actions not your passions.
Gassho
JinKan
Sat

[KellyRok]

Jinkan,

I can empathize with your discomfort of this situation, I don't know how I would've handled it myself. You continue to inspire me with your practice and your honesty, humility and strength. I wish you peace and rest.

May you all be able to use wisdom gained on the mat in your lives hopefully in less stressful circumstances. This Ango let your practice guide your actions not your passions.

Thank you for this and for continuing to share your life/practice with us!

Gassho,
Kelly/Jinmei
sat

[Tai Shi]

Jenkin, I so enjoyed your entire post today. I have begun another journal of my own and when you say it live in the , I N van identity will you. Most of my adult life I have been disabled. I have had the opportunity and joy of working’s with some people who are very skilled—psychologists and psychiatrists. Most of them give freely of themselves that we may be happier with more regular life and more comfortable feelings: also my body has been a bigger than I am worth have. However when I was in my early twenties I had more than comfy but I was still a practicing alcoholic.. ok I got sober and gave up illegal drugs on July 22, 1987 and I joined Treeleaf October 17, 2014; think I am relatively new because others are earlier.
Gassho
sat/lah
Tai Shi


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Onkai]

Thank you, JinKan. As always, a great lesson.

Gassho, Onkai
Sat lah

[Geika]

Jinkan,

While I understand where your views are coming from, I have read in many articles that a lot of hormonal treatments or blockers are begun before puberty in order to address a young trans person's changing body and mind. I realize that this causes a lot of fear in people-- what if it's a mistake? What if the child is not really trans and just wants attention? I also don't think that surgery is actually legal to perform until the trans person is an adult.

Because of such extreme emotion tied to the issue, people become very aggressive, and I am sorry that you had to bear the brunt of that when I know you truly mean no harm.

There is a lot of emotion and anger in this issue because for trans youth that have access restricted from this care, it can feel like a death sentence. That sounds extreme, but this is what I have read from trans people's accounts. Many parents do not feel safe while trying to provide care for their children. Some parents are having their children taken away because they are providing affirming care for their child. The fear and the anger comes from a place of true terror, in some cases, because people are indeed dying over this issue, needlessly. And largely due to hate.


stlah

[Jinkan]

Geika,
Thank you for your words. I’m woefully behind the times when it comes to this issue but I still think like a neuropsychologist researcher. So I wonder about the long term developmental ramifications of introducing higher levels of hormones or blockers to developing mind. The straight psychologist in me see that it may be needed to help with depression and suicidal ideation. learning it’s safe enough that doctors are doing it then I’m all for hormonal therapy if the person and their care team feel it’s right. I read a couple peer reviewed articles on suicidal risks in Trans persons in college but at the time it was focused on adults. Puberty blockers were not even discussed. Starting to feel old. Back in me day we were just binary and a moon pie cost a nickel.
Gassho,
JinKan
Sat

[Shinshi]

Thank you for your teaching Jinkan. You set a lovely example always.

I have two acquaintances who are trans. One believes that trans kids should have full access to hormonal treatments etc. And another who believes that hormones and surgeries are misguided and that trans folks should not change the body they were born into. And she sees this as true for both children and adults.

I honestly don't know what is the correct path. But I do know that becoming angry and denigrating others who don't believe as you do is wrong. Much Metta to you for having to deal with that person. And much metta to her, that anger must be destructive.

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

[Jinkan]

This week I started a new chemotherapy treatment with a lovely drug nicknamed the red devil and red death. It threw me for a major loop and I had to take an honest look at me practice and modify them to suit me physical abilities. I did not do me daily sittings the day of the treatment and I have not done me daily ceremony. I accepted me physical limitations just as I would thoughts and mental states and equally didn’t cling. While feeling this horrible time often drags out and it can feel like it will last an eternity. I let that go knowing it is fleeting. There are some teachers that force traditional forms on their students becoming so attached to tradition they make our universal practice unapproachable to some. It also stagnates our living tradition.
Zen in practice is not a one size fits all practice. The traditional forms are guides we might aspire to but need not be clung too. Honesty and will are truly the only things necessary for practice. So being honest with me self I realized I was throwing up to much and in to much pain to sit. That doesn’t mean though that I didn’t practice. While throwing up in the toilet bowl and laying on the cold linoleum while it felt like army ants were marching through me veins I stayed present. I didn’t run to me phone or a book or graphic novel. I stayed present for pain and nausea and tiny bouts of relief. It wasn’t perfect sometimes clung to thoughts or had the desired to run away away from sensations and thoughts with distractions. I did not run away. Thoughts weren’t pushed away or clung to. In not running away and being willing to stay with the pain and nausea that was zen and that is a practice being perfected. So be honest in your practice. Sit when you can and don’t feel bad when cannot. Also remember that sitting is not our only practice. To end this I will share this honest recitation of the Heart Sutra hoping it spurs honesty in everyone’s practice.

JUNDO: I am going to add a little trigger warning here, as there is much gagging at points which may be particularly hard for some sensitive people. However, it is also one of the most beautiful and powerful Heart Sutra chantings that could ever be.



Gassho
JinKan
Laying Down

[Onkai]

Gassho Onkai
Sat lah

[Seikan]

Jinkan,

Thank you for continuing to share these honest and raw teachings from your life. You have a wonderful way of showing us how to find the peace at the center of a hurricane. That said, I truly hope that the weather clears for you sooner than later.

Deepest bows,
Seikan

-stlah-

[solenziz]

A North Star. Thank you, Jinkan

Gassho, Michael
Sat

[WorkerB]

Jinkan, thank you for sharing your path and practice so openly.


b.

st

[Risho]

Jinkan - this was the most touching recitation of the Heart Sutra I've heard. I know you are going through a lot; thank you so much for sharing this. Sending metta to you



Risho
-stlah

[nalber3]

Gasshō

SatToday

Bernal

[PaulH]

Deep bow and gassho

Sat today
Paul

[ANDREALHOEKSTRA]

🙏
Gassho,
Andrea Hoekstra
satlah

[Tai Shi]

For me, my dear young friend, I hope with all honesty that are or soon become free of some of your bodily pain, for I know what it is to be a slave and addicted to drugs and alcohol, now I am free these nine or ten days out from my last dose of Fentynal and how would I have been so dupped as to think being numbed up is the same as freedom from the hurting for all that these worldly physical constraints do is become as Blake knew, "The mindfold manacles of men!" May you understand that being in bondage to pain, you are free to feel your pain, so I do not discount the needs of you, and for a time these substances did make the mind freer feel because I felt no pain, but then the pain returned, so for me it is better at 72 to just take it easy and fashion my music in words for today I am a free man! Let me shout the words, and take it easy by turning those songs of freedom into poetry.
Gassho
deep bows to you for you are a man like me.
sat/lah
Tai Shi

[Jinkan]

I Was practicing the characters of Ango in a small notebook while at the cancer center and a patient asked me what it means. I explained they were the characters for ango and it means dwelling peacefully. I explained that it is a period of time normally in autumn or spring that we dedicate to a more intense practice. I explained its relation to the rain retreat during the Buddha’s time and I did this explanation through winced words and watered eyes from pain. After I told him I was in Ango now he responded with a you don’t look like you’re dwelling peacefully. You don’t look peaceful at all. I explained the pain he saw me in was me dwelling peacefully. He looked puzzled and maybe thought me a masocist. I told him to dwell peacefully is not to be free from pain but to be at peace with it. To dwell with pain not cling to it excepting when it happens and when you are free of it not fearing it’s returning. The intensive practice of Ango is designed to help us find peace in pain, fear, depression, joy, happiness and anxiety by teaching us to dwell peacefully in each of those states of consciousness. We learn to accept and let go of anxiety just as much happiness. If we can’t let go anxiety we will suffer as equally as if we can’t let happiness. We will also suffer because the transient nature of the mind will eventually cause that happiness to fail leading to suffering. When we stop clinging to emotions we see the peace and tranquility that resides between thoughts and emotions. As we continue to practice we experience that peace not just between our thoughts and emotions but always. We awaken to the realization that that tranquility is always there. It is the empty stillness of the deep ocean not effected by the torrential surface where our thoughts and emotions reside. So I hope this Ango all me fellow practitioners can dwell peacefully not clinging to thoughts and emotions. They can dwell peacefully in joy and pain. Recognizing and experiencing the emptiness of mental conditions and peacefully dwell in the empty manifest and unmanifest.
Gassho
JinKan

[WorkerB]

b.
st

[Nengei]

Thank you for your teaching, JinKan. May you be at ease in all your ills.

Gassho,
Nengei
Sat today. LAH.

[Kotei]

Thank you Jinkan.
A good Ango to all of us.

Deep bows,
Kotei sat/lah today.

[Onkai]

Thank you, JinKan, for sharing your practice and lessons learned and given. Your perspective is inspiring.

Gassho, Onkai
Sat lah

[nalber3]

SatToday

Bernal

[Myosho]

Thank You JinKan


Sat
Myosho