The Continuing Tales of Gendo JinKan

[Jinkan]

I’m going to try and continue doing weekly updates. Hopefully through failing health and a bit of humor I can spread the Dharma and share me journey as a priest.

I spent two days before Christmas in pain. I had surgery to remove a tumor in me jaw. They had to remove teeth bone and the tumor. It was the first of 5 surgeries. I was a nervous wreck going into the surgery. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew that the end result would be pain. I also because of me health situation and a strong attachment to life worry about death too. I went into the oral surgeons office and I could not focus. I was nervous energy and anxiety. I tried to sit and clear me head and bang this is going to flipping hurt pops into me head. So I decided to open me self up to the fears and hoped that prajna would flow. I first worked on excepting the fear. Telling me self this surgery has to be done for me to live and the resulting pain is actually an affirmation of that continuing life. I could die in surgery but without it I will definitely die so it couldn’t be put off. I looked at me fear of pain and why was it so strong. I realized that because I am often the recipient of extreme pain I was lumping it into that category. I knew it would be bad but nothing like some of the other surgeries I have gone through. As I opened me self up to the fears accepting and letting them go I realized that I had got in the habit of running away from pain and I was forgetting that whilst no picnic pain is one of the greatest reminders that we are still alive and can still practice. I let go the fears and watched me blood pressure drop and was able to find serenity as I was carved up. As I drove home drooling blood and pain receptors slowly turning on as novocain wore off. I offered up gratitude for the pain and for the life it reminded me I was living. Opening me self up to me anxieties allowed me to realize that fear and pain can be dharma doors just as much as sitting when seen through the eyes of the great practice. Im still healing and very tired but I am not fearing the next surgery. I am also not looking forward to it but I will be grateful for it. I will be grateful for the opportunity to live a bit longer and I will be grateful for the opportunity to use this as practice. Finally I will be grateful for being able to gross out me roommate by drooling blood.
Gassho
JinKan
Sat
Hoping I put this in the right spot. 🙏

[Jundo]

I wish you a year of continued wisdom and peace, and thank you for each teaching. May it be a year of more healing.

Love you, friend Jinkan.

Gassho, J

stlah

[Ross]

Ross
stlah

[Shinshi]

JinKan I just don't have words to describe how much your sharing inspires me. You just go hard, and don't let up. You are amazing. I don't really know how you do what you do, go through what you are going through, while keep coming up for air to share your journey with us. Deep, deep respect. Nine bows. Sorry my words are so inadequate. Keep on keeping on my brother.

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

[Kokuu]

[Andrea]

Thank you for this update Jinkan and thank you for your teaching through your example and sharing.

Gassho
Andrea

[Shōnin Risa Bear]

We are grateful we have you.

gassho
ds sat/lah

[Tairin]

Tairin
Sat today and lah

[Tai Do]

Thank you very much, JinKan. Your testimony and teachings are a Dharma Gate to all of us and make us all enter on the path of practice together with you.
We are very grateful for your teachings and honored that you found time to share it all with us.
May you have a great and beautiful New Year!
Gassho,
Mateus
Satlah

[Doshin]

Doshin
St

[Myosho]

Very Grateful for your teaching Jinkan.



Myosho
stlah

[KellyLM]

Gassho,
SatLah
Kelly

[Rich]

Grateful for your presence

Sat/lah


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[Onkai]

Thank you, JinKan, for showing a new way to perceive pain, and for sharing how you are facing your operations. It is all wisdom with a touch of humor. I hope you recover quickly and well.

Gassho,
Onkai
Sat lah

[Ryumon]

Gassho,

Ryūmon (Kirk)

sat

[Heiso]

Gassho,

Heiso

StLah

[Jinkan]

For this weeks update I want to talk about bravery. A few nights ago I awoke in the middle of the night with pain and a pressure that felt like someone was standing on me chest. Cold sweat beaded on me forehead and a bombardment of fears and adrenaline hit me. I did not clutch me chest in imitation of Fred Sanford and tell Elizabeth I was coming home. I instead took nitroglycerin, aspirin and lorazepam. We have had an influx of Covid and I didn’t want to be a burden on our already over burdened hospital so I waited for medication to have a chance to kick in. I lay there in bed. I lay with fear as if a lover. I was only able to do this because the bravery our practice has afforded me. I have never considered me self brave. I became a Personelman in the Navy because I saw it as having the least chance of me seeing combat. Honestly throwing the Navy’s pay clerks and secretaries into heavy fire would have to be one last ditch effort, but I felt bravery that night. I have been practicing for it for many years. All of you who practice are brave. Every time we sit be it 15 minutes or hours we have to steel ourselves to experiencing reality as is and accepting it as is. We can’t turn on the idiot box or scroll through social media to distract ourselves. We can’t drink or use drugs to dull reality. If anxiety or fears arise we must sit and face them and except them as they are. We can’t run from them because the more you sit the more they will become ever present. To willing sit and have a cold slap of reality given to you on a regular basis so you might not only help yourself but all sentient beings is bravery. Im not trying to say that every sitting is a battlefield as sometime you can find your still core and then peacefully reside there. That said you walk a minefield of emotion and thought before you reach there. I commend you all on your bravery and the bravery of our ancestors because if it wasn’t for that bravery both you and them have shown none of us would be able to practice and the fire of the Dharma might have dimmed waiting for another lamp that was brave enough to be lit.
I am fine by the way it was some angina mixed with a panic attack and heart burn from the overly spicy food I love.
Gassho,
JinKan
Sat

[Tai Do]

Thank you, JinKan. I also don’t consider me brave; on the contrary, my natural response is to run away from uncomfortable things and I tend to be tormented with a lot of insecurities. I’m very glad to have you and all the Sangha in my life and practice, giving me the courage that I think I lack; thank you for your teachings, support for all of us and your constant practice.
Gassho,
Mateus
Satlah

[Onkai]

Many thanks to you, JinKan. You inspire bravery. I'm glad you found that you are fine.

Gassho,
Onkai
Sat lah

[ZenKen]

Thank you so much, JinKan, for your continuing wisdom, wit and humour. I won't say you're an inspiration, as I've sick people get sick of hearing that. So I'll say that your teachings are immediate and profound, and I hope to learn from you for many, many years to come.

Much metta to you
Gassho
Anna
satlah

[Doshin]

Doshin
St

[Naiko]

I am glad you’re ok, Jinkan. Thank you for this teaching.

Naiko
st

[Nengei]

Always grateful for your presence and your practice.

Gassho,
Nengei
Sat today. LAH.

[Tokan]

Tokan (satlah)

[Heisoku]

Gassho to a brave monk.
Heisoku



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[solenziz]

Thank you for sharing. Your story and your attitude is an inspiration.
Wish you all the best!

Michael
stlh

[KellyRok]

Jinkan,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. All I can say is that I find so much honesty and meaning in everything you post. My heart is with you, lending a shred of bravery whenever you need it.

o willing sit and have a cold slap of reality given to you on a regular basis so you might not only help yourself but all sentient beings is bravery. Im not trying to say that every sitting is a battlefield as sometime you can find your still core and then peacefully reside there. That said you walk a minefield of emotion and thought before you reach there. I commend you all on your bravery and the bravery of our ancestors because if it wasn’t for that bravery both you and them have shown none of us would be able to practice and the fire of the Dharma might have dimmed waiting for another lamp that was brave enough to be lit.

This is truly beautiful, thank you!

May you find some rest and comfort amidst the chaos
Gassho,
Kelly/Jinmei
sat/lah

[Jinkan]

This week I want to welcome those of you who are making a commitment this Sunday to walk the path of precepts. Jukai is an amazing thing and I commend and respect those who are willing to make the commitment to following the Bodhisattva path. I also commend and respect those who know for some reason or another they cannot commit to the precepts at this time. It takes a lot of honesty (one of the precepts) to recognize you can’t fully commit to the precepts. Those of you who have been studying in preparation for Jukai know that taking the precepts is a big commitment. Jukai is a chances for those of us who are zen Buddhist to publicly commit to following the Dharma. Most of us in the west are coming to Buddhism through some form of religious or philosophical searching. So when I see the such a large group of people participate in Jukai I am amazed. It serves as a reminder of the the timeless message of the Buddha. His diagnoses of the world and his treatment are still applicable more than 2500 years after his death. I have said before that when you feel like anxiety or pressure (sometimes equal to the weight of the world) rests on your shoulders while you practice to not fret. For it is through great pressure that diamonds are made.Take a moment after Jukai or if you have already received the precepts take a moment to recognize the beautiful gems of practice you are. You are all three Dharma diamonds formed under the pressure of practice. You are or will be the Diamond of sangha the facet in a multifaceted jewel that both supports and is supported by the other facets of the gem. Every time we put the precepts into action we work to make this world a better place and in so doing you becoming the gleaming polished Diamond of dharma. Polished with compassion the dharma diamond shines as an example that all sentient life can achieve enlightenment and the world can become a Pureland. You are also the Jewel of the Buddha in its unmanifest form it may be a small glint seen in coke or rubble. Through practice that glint is found and polished and the unmanifest becomes manifest. What looked like a rock or lump of coal with a wee glint goes from a diamond in the rough to a polished gem. The Buddha is there, the Diamond is there they are just waiting on you to experience them. I welcome you all brothers, sisters and genderless equals as diamonds grateful for the spiritual wealth you bring treeleaf.
Gassho,
JinKan
Sat

[Tokan]

Tokan - satlah

[Tai Do]

Thank you, JinKan. It’s an honor to take the precepts in this Sangha and to share the practice with you and all Treeleafers.
Gassho,
Mateus
Satlah

[Jippou]

Gassho

Jason
SAT


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[Onkai]

Gassho,
Onkai
Sat lah

[Seiko]

Ah JinKan, thank you for sharing your reflections. Sometimes I am frustrated or depressed because of my own health issues, but you are so inspirational. Many, many thanks.

Gasshō
Seiko
stlah

[Daiman]

JinKan,

Thank you so much for this teaching. There are many things in what you said about living with pain, living with illness, living with discomfort, living with the realization of how the mind works in relation to pain and to fear that are helpful. The thing that struck me most about your teaching is the honesty and the willingness to share this from a place of what is actually happening rather than what is not happening or wish would not be happening. It is the total picture of being intimate with everything that is showing up in those moments and the courage to accept it as it is. I appreciate you sharing the entire painting and not just the pretty parts. It is a reminder of what is important in life and a reminder that no matter what happens, there is a way to find peace within it. If only I can be so courageous when I face these kinds of things in life. Thank you for reminding me that I can.



Gassho,

Daiman
SatToday

[Onki]

I enjoy reading these posts, JinKan. Thank you for sharing.

Gasshō,

Onki

Sat today

[Jinkan]

I spent this week with both pain and nausea. A few days ago I got the added joy extreme stomach cramps and extreme bleeding from an area we are not meant to bleed from. I spent most of a morning on a cold floor gripped in pain as I leaked me life’s blood unable to even move to the toilet. I then spent the afternoon cleaning the inevitable mess of me inability to move. I also spent that time grateful that I had made it to the bathroom and its linoleum floors and not our carpeted room. When I was not battling nausea and the extreme pain it was that brought the nausea on I tried to be calm and keep me wits about me. I didn’t know as I lay bleeding not even able to reach a phone and dial 911 if I would live but I wanted to face death if it was me time with as much serenity as I could muster. If I ended up in hospital I wanted people to see hope or at least courage at the moment of death not blind fear. The problem is that in those moments of extreme pain all that is going through your brain is Ahhhh owww maybe followed by expletives. In a moment of extreme pain I realized I was the Buddha as he lay dying from what some have said was extreme food poisoning or unknown illness. I suddenly knew that in those moments of dying he didn’t fake act brave or try to be serine but was present. He grimaced in pain as I grimaced. Some have granted the buddhas mystical attributes but I see the Buddhas as humans. The buddha wasn’t mystical but instead he was able to see the mystical in the mundane. In this moment of realization I accepted and let go of a lot. Before this realization happened I was pain juxtaposed between worries. Will I be able to contribute to an article for the Monastery of Open Doors? Will I be able to do me readings because concentration has been difficult with the pain I have been in? Will I be able to do are oryoki training a skill I am in great need of practicing? Of course there was also the will I die slowly bleeding out in this embarrassing position? In that moment when I experienced me self in the Buddhas physical pain I dropped all those questions of will I. I resided in a moment of knowing they will get done if me karma allows it. Then I resided in a moment that seemed eternal and yet so short in that unmanifest that what we see as I manifests from. It was short lived as neurons activating pain receptors fired full blast. But after that in those moments of clarity in between the pain I no longer had any concerns of will I. I was the Buddha underneath the bodhi tree facing Mara on that cold linoleum floor. I will not apologize for lateness or how well this is written for this is how it has to be for now, in essence it’s karma. Know that in removing me attachment to all those “will I” questions I have not given up. I now will just get to them when me karma allows. If you find yourself caught up in “will I” questions let go try and go back to that great ocean your consciousness arose from and in doing so know you have always been Buddha.
Gassho,
JinKan
Lay down as sitting hurts to much

[aprapti]

i don't find words, Jinkan.. Much relieve and courage i wish you..

metta..

aprapti


sat

[Onkai]

Much metta, JinKan. I hope the pain subsides. Thank you for finding and sharing a lesson out of the experience. Deep bows.

Gassho,
Onkai
Sat lah

[Kiri]

Much, much metta JinKan.

Thanks for sharing this. It reminds me of my grandpa a few weeks ago when he was still alive but in pain. He never denied his suffering and faced his mortality with so much courage. As you describe your suffering, JinKan, I can see him in you.

Gassho, Kiri
Sat/Lah

[WorkerB]

Metta, JinKan. Lots of Metta, if that's how to phrase it.

Gassho,
b.

Stlah

[Shinshi]

Jinkan, again, thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is so much easier for most to share the good times rather than the bad. I am sorry you are having to go through such trials and tribulations but you remain an inspiriation.

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

[Nengei]

I wish there were magic words to make things better for you, brother. I am grateful for every moment you are able to find peace from your ills.

Gassho,
Nengei
Sat today. LAH.

[Seishin]

Deep Bows JinKan
Much metta

Sat

[Ankai]

Thanks for these, Jinkan. I'm living with a degenerative illness myself, and your posts are always great to me.

Deep bow.

I sat a little bit ago.

[Naiko]

Jinkan, I wish your pain would ease. Thank you for sharing your teaching.

Naiko
st lah

[Jinkan]

This week was spent in a monotony of doctors appointments and tests. It felt like if I had an orifice they were going to jam a camera up there. I felt like a medical Disneyland attraction. I almost printed out a sign that said you must have this many medical degrees to explore the holes on JinKan Mountain. It was scary and lonely I sat with me thoughts waging that internal war and trying to shut off or at least quite the incessant internal monologue that runs through me head. I felt alone and depressed until in one waiting room I saw a woman leaving the doctors office and coming into the waiting room crying. She was young, pretty and looked healthy. Through heavy sobs I could hear her whimper, “Why me”. I felt a cold hard slap and I looked around. I saw a room of people who felt lonely and scared. This was not the kind of doctor who hits your knee with a wee hammer and gives you a lollipop but the kind that sends you to invasive and often painful tests. I had not been present though I was trying to. I had latched onto me depression, fear and loneliness as if it was a boulder I was damned to push up a hill for eternity. I had forgotten what I had learned last week and many times before. I had been drowning in a sea of loneliness trying to find the shoreline but blind in darkness. Forgetting there was no sea and I was never alone. I am each of those people in the waiting room with their myriad fears and anxieties. I am the hope of that both me self and many at Treeleaf have that I will get better. I am not an I. A drop of water kicked up from a wave only to return to the ocean. It was compassion that brought me out of me deep internal struggle giving me insight. That same compassion surged forward and was urging me to help these people. This is a waiting room I can’t preach the Dharma I can’t even offer a hug though I know them I am stranger to these people. I felt impotent for a second and stared at me feet. I hurt and I still had fears brought on by the biological imperative to survive but I pushed those aside and I knew what had to be done. I made an offering to that room and the many people that would go in and out of it. A room that limits you and makes you claustrophobic with anxiety and fears. I did the only thing I could I closed me eyes and lightly smiled offering it to the room. Like the Dharma even if unseen or experienced it would be there for those who may need it. I wrote this to hopefully show that when we cultivate compassion it can not only help others but may save ourselves. I also wrote this to show that we priest are not perfect we struggle as you do. Ordination does not instill omnipotence but more often than not just adds fuel to fire of service.

Edit: I want to add one more thing. This came to me as I sat zazenkai. I had also forgotten what Shikentaza teaches us. There is a reason we keep our eyes partially open while meditating. We are not just to be mindful of the mind but excepting of external stimuli as well. I had been stuck in the mind which is just as bad as getting caught up in external pleasures.

Gassho,
JinKan
Sat

[Myosho]

Jinkan, thank you for sharing. Your teachings are very much appreciated.


Gassho
Myosho

Sat

[Onkai]

Deep bows, JinKan. Your posts are deep in emotion and wisdom.

Gassho,
Onkai
Sat lah

[Tokan]

Tokan (satlah)

[Tai Do]

Thank you, JinKan, for your wisdom and compassion. Much metta to you!!!
Gassho,
Tai Do (Mateus)
Satlah