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A fellow in our Sangha wrote to say that he could not sit Zazen because of intense physical pain causing him to be unable to sit more than a minute, even in a chair, or even to hold still while standing up or lying on the floor. The medicine they are taking makes their eyes jump too, and impacts mental clarity, so they say that they cannot Zazen.
However, it is a misunderstanding of Shikantaza to think that one must be in a certain posture, or one's eyes must be a certain way, or with a certain calm and clear mind.
At such times, please do moaning, in pain jumping around or reclining or rolling on the floor Zazen, with eyes closed if needed or open or both, disliking every moment of it. With the attitude of Shikantaza, when moaning, in pain jumping, reclining or rolling on the floor, with eyes closed if needed, disliking every moment of it then ... just be moaning, in pain jumping, reclining or rolling on the floor, with eyes closed if needed, disliking every moment of it ... for in that instant of Zazen one is oneself BUDDHA in that moment moaning, in pain jumping, reclining or rolling on the floor, disliking every moment of it BUDDHA, with eyes closed as needed.
Remember that good Zazen is Good Zazen, and it is Good to sit good Zazen, but bad zazen is also Good Zazen on those days when it is just bad and is what it is. Yes, we sit with a certain balanced posture and settled mind when we can, but we can be balanced and settled about and amid even those days when body and mind are anything but! Have equanimity ABOUT disliking every moment of it!
Of course, if there is a day because of sever pain, life trauma, or other truly unavoidable reasons that we cannot sit, even for a minute or two ... then we accept that too. No need to Zazen. But when we can, it it lovely to just Zazen with the pain, trauma or whatever life shoves one's way ... letting the pain trauma or life just be the pain trauma and life with no demands on them by us. For example, let the pain just be the pain on one mental channel, even as another part of you dislikes it and hopes for a cure. When moaning, just moan ... for moaning just to moan when sick is Shikantaza too. If the medicine makes you unavoidably sleepy or foggy, then just sleep and be foggy ... for sleeping is just sleep and fog is just fog when it cannot be helped and then is Shikantaza too. I have found that the "best" Shikantaza is sometimes when something really seemed the opposite of peace, comfort, beauty, calm ... and I radically let it be and "sat as that" anyway, allowing what was.
So, if you can, try to sit with the radical acceptance of your state that is Shikantaza.
Be Moaning, Rolling Buddha.
Gassho, J
STLah
Sorry to run long.
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