Walking with Jizō

[Kokuu]

Hi all

As part of trying to improve my ability to respond to others, I am currently reading a book called How to Listen. This is produced by an organisation called Samaritans (after the Christian parable) that provides free, non-judgemental emotional support to people in the UK and Ireland.

One of the early parts of the books which stood out for me recounted how volunteers to the organisation are taught to imagine that the person on the end of the telephone, or online chat, may be having a hard time and weighed down with thoughts and emotions like they are in a pit they cannot climb out of. Most people’s first notion is how to get them out of the pit, and this is how our friends and family will usually react, and we are used to thinking of solutions and being fixers. I freely admit this is often my approach too.

This book says something different. Instead of being fixers, the volunteers are told to imagine climbing into the pit to sit alongside the person there and be with them, dropping all notions of solutions or results but just to listen and see what is going on (an approach which sounds a lot like Zazen). Sometimes, as a result of that, the pit can feel less deep to the caller, or the sides less steep, but not necessarily. Regardless, for as long as they want, they are not alone down there.

The image of being willing to climb into the pit with someone else reminds me of the bodhisattva Kṣitigarbha, known as Jizō in Japanese Buddhism. The name Kṣitigarbha literally means Bodhisattva of the Great Vow (Jp. Daigan Jizō Bosatsu) and he is said to be responsible for teaching the dharma to beings in all six realms of existence (the realms of gods, titans, humans, animals, hungry ghosts and hell beings). His responsibility for beings who find themselves in hell is particularly emphasised as, like the Samaritans volunteers, he is willing to climb down into the pit with others to bring them succour.

Some modern Buddhist teachers have compared the six realms to psychological states and whereas hell is usually associated with intense anger or hatred, it is easy to see how extreme despair could be viewed in a similar way as comprising a personal form of hell. We might not be able to pull someone out of that hell, but we can certainly join them there for a while.

As Jundo sometimes says, who are the hands and eyes of Kannon Bosatsu (Avalokiteśvara Bodhisattva) if not you and I? Likewise, who else are the arms and ears of Jizō? When there is so much suffering in the world it is easy to be overwhelmed by how much needs fixing but perhaps we do not have to start there. I am sure that most of us have had sufficient experience of our own personal hells to be able to connect to others in their's and recognise that their suffering and ours is, in the end, 'not two'.


Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Tai Shi]

Hi Kokuu my dear friend I am right on track. Brain surgery a success. I feel better today lol but realized I rely on my friends and family. You are especially present in my mind. I am reading more simple books to ease into my intelligence life and then my brain will simmer down. Thank you for always being there!!
Gassho
sat/ lah
Tai Shi


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[Risho]

Thank you Kokuu- that sounds like a really interesting book - as I mature past my emotional immaturity, I really think active listening and empathy (whether or not you agree with someone) is probably the most important thing I try to do during communication, but I'm checking this out.

Gassho

Risho
-stlah

[Dogukan]

Thank you Kokuu.

It reminds me of an old memory. I was seven and my grandfather was on his deathbed. An elderly female relative of us noticed that the end was near and took me away from there to another room. And it was ridiculous, but in that room, she started telling me funny stories and singing songs to distract me. Even now, I can remember the awkward feeling of that moment. But I think this must have been the best solution she could think of.

The weird part is that I realize that most of the time I act like that lady when someone I love is depressed or feeling bad. I do not tell funny stories and of course, I do not sing silly songs to them (But what if they were children?) but I desperately try every possible way to be a fixer.

"We might not be able to pull someone out of that hell, but we can certainly join them there for a while."
Hopefully.

Gassho, Doğukan.
Sat.

[Anchi]

[Geika]

Thank you Kokuu. I have a terrible habit of being a fixer that I need to be mindful of.

Gassho
Sat, lah

[Washin]

Thank you, Kokuu

Gassho
Washin
stlah

[Koushi]

Thank you for the reminder, Kokuu

Gassho,
Koushi
STLaH

[Kyōsen]

Learning to be a listener rather than a fixer was one of the best things I've ever learned

Gassho
Kyōsen
Sat|LAH

[Doshin]

Definitely a lesson there for me.

Fixer Doshin
St

[Tomás ESP]

Thank you Kokuu

Gassho, Tomás
Sat&LaH

[Onkai]

Thank you, Kokuu.

Gassho,
Onkai
Sat/lah

[rj]

Thank you, Kokuu



rj
st/lah

[JacquesG]

Thank you, Kokuu.

This teaching of yours here is a jewel. Be very encouraged in your path in the way.

Gassho

Jacques ST

[Tairin]

One of the early parts of the books which stood out for me recounted how volunteers to the organisation are taught to imagine that the person on the end of the telephone, or online chat, may be having a hard time and weighed down with thoughts and emotions like they are in a pit they cannot climb out of. Most people’s first notion is how to get them out of the pit, and this is how our friends and family will usually react, and we are used to thinking of solutions and being fixers. I freely admit this is often my approach too.

This book says something different. Instead of being fixers, the volunteers are told to imagine climbing into the pit to sit alongside the person there and be with them, dropping all notions of solutions or results but just to listen and see what is going on (an approach which sounds a lot like Zazen). Sometimes, as a result of that, the pit can feel less deep to the caller, or the sides less steep, but not necessarily. Regardless, for as long as they want, they are not alone down there.

Wow! I am inherently a fixer. I know that isn’t always the right approach. I am going to keep this in mind and try to be better about climbing down into the pit.

Thank you for posting this Kokuu


Tairin
Sat today and lah

[Prashanth]

This is a beautiful teaching.
I tend to feel guilty when I cannot fix; perhaps due to my upbringing in a family and in spiritual fold which believed only service to others gives us identity. However, lately life is showing me that I have to accept that my identity is not by fixing, and there are many things which cannot be fixed.
Your teaching closes the loop there for me.

Gassho

Prashanth

Sat

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[Inshin]

Hi all

As part of trying to improve my ability to respond to others, I am currently reading a book called How to Listen. This is produced by an organisation called Samaritans (after the Christian parable) that provides free, non-judgemental emotional support to people in the UK and Ireland.

One of the early parts of the books which stood out for me recounted how volunteers to the organisation are taught to imagine that the person on the end of the telephone, or online chat, may be having a hard time and weighed down with thoughts and emotions like they are in a pit they cannot climb out of. Most people’s first notion is how to get them out of the pit, and this is how our friends and family will usually react, and we are used to thinking of solutions and being fixers. I freely admit this is often my approach too.

This book says something different. Instead of being fixers, the volunteers are told to imagine climbing into the pit to sit alongside the person there and be with them, dropping all notions of solutions or results but just to listen and see what is going on (an approach which sounds a lot like Zazen). Sometimes, as a result of that, the pit can feel less deep to the caller, or the sides less steep, but not necessarily. Regardless, for as long as they want, they are not alone down there.

The image of being willing to climb into the pit with someone else reminds me of the bodhisattva Kṣitigarbha, known as Jizō in Japanese Buddhism. The name Kṣitigarbha literally means Bodhisattva of the Great Vow (Jp. Daigan Jizō Bosatsu) and he is said to be responsible for teaching the dharma to beings in all six realms of existence (the realms of gods, titans, humans, animals, hungry ghosts and hell beings). His responsibility for beings who find themselves in hell is particularly emphasised as, like the Samaritans volunteers, he is willing to climb down into the pit with others to bring them succour.

Some modern Buddhist teachers have compared the six realms to psychological states and whereas hell is usually associated with intense anger or hatred, it is easy to see how extreme despair could be viewed in a similar way as comprising a personal form of hell. We might not be able to pull someone out of that hell, but we can certainly join them there for a while.

As Jundo sometimes says, who are the hands and eyes of Kannon Bosatsu (Avalokiteśvara Bodhisattva) if not you and I? Likewise, who else are the arms and ears of Jizō? When there is so much suffering in the world it is easy to be overwhelmed by how much needs fixing but perhaps we do not have to start there. I am sure that most of us have had sufficient experience of our own personal hells to be able to connect to others in their's and recognise that their suffering and ours is, in the end, 'not two'.


Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

Your wish to constantly learn various ways of how to be of benefit to others is why I deeply respect you as a teacher.

Deep bows.
Gassho.
Will sit later.

[Rich]

Inspiring reminder
🙏💜
Sat/lah

[aprapti]

aprapti

sat

[Kokuu]

Thank you all for your comments

To all of you who are natural fixers, I hear you, and feel the same. I guess that part of compassion is being able to sit with someone without that need to fix things. It can often seem really hard not to offer solutions, and feel that we are *doing* something.

I often tell the story of when I was living in a Tibetan dharma centre and was about to begin divorce proceedings. I told the resident teacher and expected to receive teachings on impermanence but instead she said that she had a tub of Haagen Dasz ice cream in the freezer and would I like to share some. This was the response I really needed at the time.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Jundo]

I often tell the story of when I was living in a Tibetan dharma centre and was about to begin divorce proceedings. I told the resident teacher and expected to receive teachings on impermanence but instead she said that she had a tub of Haagen Dasz ice cream in the freezer and would I like to share some. This was the response I really needed at the time.

Sad of course, but makes me happy to hear anyway.

[Jakuden]

I learned listening techniques in college when I volunteered for a crisis hotline. But life circumstances like parenting and my job often push me toward the fixer role, and I tend to unfortunately forget my listening training! Being always in a hurry these days also tends to push one toward wanting to throw out advice and move on, rather than invest the time needed to truly listen. Thank you for the much needed reminder!

Gassho
Jakuden


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[Kokuu]

I learned listening techniques in college when I volunteered for a crisis hotline. But life circumstances like parenting and my job often push me toward the fixer role, and I tend to unfortunately forget my listening training! Being always in a hurry these days also tends to push one toward wanting to throw out advice and move on, rather than invest the time needed to truly listen. Thank you for the much needed reminder!

Yes, the parenting role definitely needs the fixer, especially when children as young, but as my kids mature I am trying to give them space to find solutions for themselves. Old habits die hard, though!

For your job, I imagine there is less call for a vet who deeply listens but doesn't fix the pet!

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Tai Shi]

I’m part of Wed and Fri Interbeing. In the last 15 or 20 min we practice “deep listening.” Sit in mudra eyes closed until someone spontaneously speaks. Sometimes about Reading or teaching. Sometimes personal.
Gassho
saa as t/ lah


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[Shokai]

Thank you Kokuu. I'm thinking this is what is meant by "compassion without wisdom or wisdom without compassion ,doesn't work" Such a great teaching.

gassho, Shokai
stlah

[martyrob]

That is a timely reminder, Kokuu for us all to listen deeply. Some years back I was a Samaritan- increasingly erratic working hours meant that I couldn’t give the commitment necessary to continue. What has lasted with me from those days is the instructions in listening. They are exactly as you say, in fact, I remember the graphic of being in the hole with the caller during the training sessions. It has some similarities to our practice; you have to remove your own ego and judging mind, this isn’t about you; you have to be open both in your heart and your mind. You may only speak to someone, a complete stranger, for an hour or two. You can’t possibly know enough about this person to offer solutions and you’re not qualified to offer counselling. What you can do is open your heart and offer your hand as a friend. They can know that they are being heard, that they matter, that their pain is acknowledged, that they are not being judged. In their dark night of the soul your presence might make all the difference, through kindness, understanding, compassion and listening intently to their story they will, hopefully, feel heard. We have all gone through these moments of despair and to know that there is someone who ‘gets it’ might just be what it takes to get you through the night and face the next day. Sadly, it isn’t always the case.

It takes great courage and resilience to get into someone else’s pit of despair and soak up their pain so that you can be there for them. I met some of the most compassionate, brave, insightful and wise people I’ve ever encountered. And I would say that being a Samaritan was the greatest thing I’ve ever done with my life.

I would encourage everyone to read Kokuu’s book and learn how to listen, it’s a life changing practice.
That said, when dealing with friends or family everything is different. You're too involved in these peoples’ lives, you’re an active part of it, not a dispassionate observer. I do listen to my kids and I bring something of the practice to bear but being a parent you’re always going to be a fixer. Moreover you’re too emotionally entangled to be of much use. If my kids are in a hole there’s a chunk of me thinking I’m partly to blame for putting them there. Likewise with friends, you know too much about them not bring yourself into it.

However, should someone, on a bus, on a park bench, in a queue offer up an intimacy of their life, of their suffering or their joy then see it as a privilege and pay it the attention it deserves. Offer your heart and ear and afterwards honour it by keeping this confidence to yourself. If you get good at it then please think of becoming a Samaritan. They need all the help they can get and it will change your life.
Sorry for banging on so long.

Wishing you all well,
Martyn
Sat today.


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[Heiso]

Thanks Kokuu, that's really useful to hear. I'm also a fixer, or at least I try to be and sometimes despair when there is nothing I can fix.

Gassho,

Heiso

StLah

[Kokuu]

Some years back I was a Samaritan- increasingly erratic working hours meant that I couldn’t give the commitment necessary to continue. What has lasted with me from those days is the instructions in listening. They are exactly as you say, in fact, I remember the graphic of being in the hole with the caller during the training sessions. It has some similarities to our practice; you have to remove your own ego and judging mind, this isn’t about you; you have to be open both in your heart and your mind. You may only speak to someone, a complete stranger, for an hour or two. You can’t possibly know enough about this person to offer solutions and you’re not qualified to offer counselling. What you can do is open your heart and offer your hand as a friend. They can know that they are being heard, that they matter, that their pain is acknowledged, that they are not being judged. In their dark night of the soul your presence might make all the difference, through kindness, understanding, compassion and listening intently to their story they will, hopefully, feel heard. We have all gone through these moments of despair and to know that there is someone who ‘gets it’ might just be what it takes to get you through the night and face the next day. Sadly, it isn’t always the case.

So wonderful that you did that, Martyn. Samaritans is such a great organisation and, as you say, you can make all the difference in the life of someone who needs to be heard.

The training that the Samaritans give is probably something we could all use. Thank you for being there for others for however long you could

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Kokuu]

’m still��recovering two weeks later. Some pain in the incision, but not like expected. I see Dr Voung on Wednesday to remove staples from the 6 incision. This surgery had taken 4 hours. I believe that it was hundreds of thousands of dollars. Medicare pays 100% of brain surgery a benefit every person on Medicare receives, every senior must have this befit. Thankfully for everyone who knows how long how gifted these people are. Thank goodness for Treeleaf Zendo where people care about each other. Thank you for everyone I believe we take care, we sit metta for those in need.

So glad you are doing well, Tai Shi. We can all be grateful for the knowledge and skill of your surgeons and for everyone who has supported you through what must have been a really difficult time.

Much metta to you, and to Laurel and Marjorie.

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday/lah-

[Gregor]

This post really resonates with my this morning. Thank you for sharing this Kokku.

There are many hells in this world, most of them created in our own minds.

With the help of Jizo and each other I think we stand a chance of being saved.

I love the idea of talking to others as if you are down in the pit with them, a practice I will be working on.

Gassho,

Gregor
SAT-TODAY