I apologise that this post is so long.
Well, it’s been a while since I posted anything. I thought I’d share my experiences of this year, in case anyone else has had similar things themselves. I have had quite a bit of pain (suffering) so far this year. I expect my situation may strike a chord with others here.
Despite having long-term medical issues that give me chronic pain and compromise my immune response, I have been managing pretty well. Pride comes before a fall. Just as we are getting comfortable, the universe seems to find us a greater challenge.
I remember saying to people here that I wouldn’t be joining the group that discusses practicing whilst sick, because I was managing OK! Ha!
Dec 24, 2020 – I fell down stairs and ruptured a muscle in my lower back. It was interesting. A new pain to notice, but not to focus on too much. In eight weeks it had healed, and taking care of my precious human body, I strengthened my back with exercise, yoga, weights... So far so good.
Mar 11, 2021 – I fell down stairs again. This time breaking ribs and requiring morphine for pain that just wouldn’t allow me to think. The morphine made me very itchy and terribly constipated (sorry to be so graphic). As is so often the case with modern Western medicine, the side effects can make you feel worse rather than better. Well, zazen came along but you wouldn’t recognise it from my body positions. A kind of itchy, fidgety zazen. But that was the best I could muster for 12 weeks.
Mar 12 – The long awaited brain scan (CT scan). It turned out OK.
May 20 – My sister’s funeral. None of us walk this earth for long.
May 22 – Having to set aside the lingering rib pain and my grief, to embark on my second eye surgery. Even after two weeks my vision is disturbed by a snowstorm of floaters. I can’t see much, the world is bleary. On the bright side, I can sit in a more conventional zazen position.
So I feel like I have been unwell most of this year. It does underline the fragility of human existence and motivates me to go to my zafu more often. Training as if my head is on fire, whilst hoping that it doesn’t actually catch fire. I feel more like a contributing cog in the world than an individual - in a good way. I have become more decisive. Not yet ready to join live zoom because I can’t see what is going on, but I’m still here, even though it may look/feel like I am rather a hermit.
Pain is an interesting sensation. Doctors are quick to offer pain meds, but I don’t think it is realistic to think I can live a pain-free life.
Is anyone else here in a similar position?
I am always happy to hear advice – is there a better way to handle this? Or lessons that I missed?
In Gassho,
Seiko
stlah
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