Results 1 to 23 of 23

Thread: Letting Go of Anger

  1. #1

    Letting Go of Anger

    Any suggestions on how to let go of anger? At this point, all necessary actions on my side - self protection, negotiation, moving on - have been done. I have meditated, worked at Metta, maintained self care practices. The situation might not have been fair, but it is over. And yet, it still takes up far more mental real estate.

    Thank you for your suggestions.

    Gassho,
    Jim
    Sat Today/LAH

  2. #2
    This is something i struggle with from time to time. For me I try to examine the situation from all aspects and decide if it is worth being angry or not. I don't think there is really any quick fast cure all. Just continue doing what you're doing. My therapist recommends only thinking about the problem for 15 minutes. then move on to something else. Don't ruminate and stew in the bad areas. Try finding activities to take your mind off it. For me I'm a gamer. I get frustrated and go to my "unreality" happy place. What makes you happy?
    Dave
    SAT/LAH

    Much metta to you.

  3. #3
    If you find out let me know! Seriously, out of all of the emotions, anger is the one that lingers the longest. It doesn't work every time, but I often have luck with viewing anger as a product of my ego and exploring why my ego is feeling so attacked in the moment. Also, I've allowed anger to just be in that moment and not feel guilty about feeling anger (acting on it is a different story) because anger is a very natural emotion. Often when I allow it to be it dissipates much more quickly. Apologies for going over the three sentences!

    Gassho,

    Bokuchō (Josh)
    SatToday / LaH

    Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by JimInBC View Post
    Any suggestions on how to let go of anger? At this point, all necessary actions on my side - self protection, negotiation, moving on - have been done. I have meditated, worked at Metta, maintained self care practices. The situation might not have been fair, but it is over. And yet, it still takes up far more mental real estate.

    Thank you for your suggestions.

    Gassho,
    Jim
    Sat Today/LAH
    Hi Jim. If you feel youíve done everything you could, then general advice is a bit useless here, because the root of your anger needs to be tackled and that has nothing to do with anyone other than yourself. My point is: you need specific advice on specific issues.

    SatToday
    Bion
    美音

    -------------------------
    Join me on Insight Timer
    Help me feed those in need by joining my Share The Meal team HERE

  5. #5
    Member Onka's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Location
    rural queensland australia.
    Quote Originally Posted by JimInBC View Post
    Any suggestions on how to let go of anger? At this point, all necessary actions on my side - self protection, negotiation, moving on - have been done. I have meditated, worked at Metta, maintained self care practices. The situation might not have been fair, but it is over. And yet, it still takes up far more mental real estate.

    Thank you for your suggestions.

    Gassho,
    Jim
    Sat Today/LAH
    Hi Jim
    When you.find the way to rid yourself of anger please let me know, then copyright it and make million.of dollars. In all seriosness though what kinda sorta maybe is working for me is two reminders that I have set for a number of times a day. One is 'Be Positive', the other 'Patience'.
    I sit something Jundo calls Insta-Zazen throughout the day as well.
    These things in addition to my daily Zazen practice are starting to have a beneficial effect but make no mistake, a lot of things still piss me off and take up mental real estate.
    Be kind to yourself Jim
    Gassho
    Onka
    Sat today/Got angry at something I read in the news
    穏 On (Calm)
    火 Ka (Fires)
    aka Anna Kissed.
    Pronouns She/Her They/Them.
    Life's too serious to be taken seriously.
    No Gods No Masters No Borders

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by JimInBC View Post
    Any suggestions on how to let go of anger? At this point, all necessary actions on my side - self protection, negotiation, moving on - have been done. I have meditated, worked at Metta, maintained self care practices. The situation might not have been fair, but it is over. And yet, it still takes up far more mental real estate.

    Thank you for your suggestions.

    Gassho,
    Jim
    Sat Today/LAH
    Hi Jim,

    You will get some excellent advice here, because most human beings deal with anger sometimes, some folks more than others. Of course, read all the books on anger management, and get counselling from a mental health professional if the anger is becoming so bad that it causes real harm in your life.

    The best advice I know is that, first, there is a difference between feeling anger and ACTING in anger. Don't act or speak out of anger if you can help it, and just BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE, focusing on the breath until the urge to act passes. If it does not immediately pass, well, KEEP BREATHING, it eventually will!

    Next, learn the difference between feeling angry and grabbing onto, wallowing and stirring up the anger in your mind. Feel the anger like it is just another object in the room to observe, like a stain on the carpet. Let it be, don't fixate on it, and it is not a problem. So, let yourself feel anger as if a spectator in a theatre watching a show, knowing that it will pass. There is a difference between (1) feeling anger and buying into what it is selling (what I used to do always) and (2) feeling anger but developing the space to say to yourself within, "Hey, this is just temporary theatre of the mind, a passing scene, just the mind playing its games, and in a few minutes it will pass and some other emotion will take its place."

    Finally, we sit Shikantaza Zazen, letting all the world be all the world, even the parts we find terribly sucky. We demand nothing in sitting but to sit, letting storming emotions just storm like a rainstorm outside. Soon, some light comes peaking through the clouds, rendering them gossamer and less dark.

    I am sure other folks will be here with lots of good advice.

    Gassho, J

    STLah
    Last edited by Jundo; 01-23-2021 at 09:06 AM.
    ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

  7. #7
    PS - Here is a little more on anger that may be helpful ...

    https://www.treeleaf.org/forums/show...l=1#post257623
    ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

  8. #8
    Hi Jim,

    Intellectually step back and realize that anger is a thought and an emotion, only real as a thought and emotion. Practice being with but not acting out on thoughts and emotions (shikantaza?).

    Don't take the mind so seriously.

    Best of luck.

    Gassho, Jishin, __/stlah\__

  9. #9
    Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I found it very comforting to be reminded how much I'm not alone in this struggle. And I found your suggestions quite helpful.

    Gassho,
    Jim
    Sat Today

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by JimInBC View Post
    Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I found it very comforting to be reminded how much I'm not alone in this struggle. And I found your suggestions quite helpful.

    Gassho,
    Jim
    Sat Today
    You are not alone; anger is a dear friend of mine hahaha

    gassho

    risho
    -stlah

  11. #11
    These are some tips and tricks I use:

    Ask yourself two questions: 1. Is the anger appropriate for the situation? And 2. Is the anger helpful in any way?

    If no to one or both of these questions, then let go of the anger by using compassion (perhaps loving kindness-metta meditation), sympathy (use reason to understand the other person as if they were you) or challenging negative thoughts (some common anger thoughts to challenge are: labeling-calling somebody a name as if that completely represents them and personalizing-blaming someone or something that is beyond your control)

    And remember Santideva’s version of “the dichotomy of control” commonly known as the “Serenity prayer”:

    If there's a remedy when trouble strikes,
    What reason is there for dejection?
    And if there is no help for it,
    What use is there in being glum?



    Gassho
    Tom
    Sat/Lah

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by StoBird View Post

    ...remember Santideva’s version of “the dichotomy of control” commonly known as the “Serenity prayer”:

    If there's a remedy when trouble strikes,
    What reason is there for dejection?
    And if there is no help for it,
    What use is there in being glum?



    Gassho
    Tom
    Sat/Lah


    Gassho,
    Onkai
    Sat/lah
    On (Warm)
    Kai (Sea)
    I have a lot to learn; take anything I say that sounds like teaching with a grain of salt.

  13. #13
    For me, honestly it's just something that has gotten easier with time. Realizing that it's not worth holding on to. I don't think I've found any quick fix, I just feel that I've just slowly learned to not hold on to things as much in general. I've definitely found taking a step back from the situation can be helpful. And during the times where I was too caught up in the moment to step back, reflecting back on the situation and going over it in my mind after I'd cooled down helped me to step back the next time the situation came up. Also if it's anger with another person, trying to make an effort to remind myself about what might have led them to do the thing they did that angered me. If I understand why someone did something, it makes it much easier to accept it.

    Apologies for going over


    Evan,
    Sat today, lah
    Just going through life one day at a time!

  14. #14
    Member Getchi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Between Sea and Sky, Australia.
    HI!
    Jundo, and jishin, both hit the mark as far as im concerned.

    HATE as much as you want/can. There is a limit.

    And then forgive - this is without limit.

    FOrgive yourself for whatever, forgive them for ignorance.

    Its worked for me, and i hope it works for you too.

    (it might take a while!).


    -Geoff.
    LentAhand
    SaT x3.
    Nothing to do? Why not Sit?

  15. #15
    Maybe this video will help: . Replace "anxiety" with "anger" in your instance. It really can be applied to everything. When you give the feeling all the space it needs, overtime, something wonderful happens. In the mean time, be kind, be present, be gentle and be patient with and to yourself - everything else will take care of itself.

    Warm wishes,

    Matt

  16. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by Matt_ View Post
    Maybe this video will help: ... Replace "anxiety" with "anger" in your instance. It really can be applied to everything. When you give the feeling all the space it needs, overtime, something wonderful happens. In the mean time, be kind, be present, be gentle and be patient with and to yourself - everything else will take care of itself.

    Warm wishes,

    Matt
    That is pretty good, and very sound advice. I have heard worse guidance from mindfulness teachers for sure.

    Still a little flavor of trying to use meditation as a tool though, which is a bit of a caution by me. Otherwise, very nice.

    Gassho, J

    STLah
    Last edited by Jundo; 01-31-2021 at 08:06 AM.
    ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

  17. #17
    It does get easier with time and practice... eventually sometime you find yourself in a situation where you would get angry, and suddenly realize ďI donít have to suffer anger over this, I can just get on with life!Ē And you turn your attention to whatís actually there in front of you instead, letting the anger go like a big red balloon up into the sky.

    Gassho
    Jakuden
    SatToday/LAH


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    清 道 寂田
    SEIDO JAKUDEN
    She/her.
    I am a novice priest. Any resemblance my posts may have to actual teachings about the Dharma, living or dead, is purely coincidental (and just my attempt to be helpful).

  18. #18
    Jakuden I really like that analogy of letting go of the ballon

    yesterday someone gently tapped the bumper of my car while i was at a stop sign; there was a very minor scratch, no one was hurt, but I felt anger rise up like a flash in a pan; I wasnít angry over the scratch; I was angry because the driver would not admit anything and played stupid; so in a stern voice i told her Pay Attention and Take Ownership lol

    when I settled down in a few minutes I realized she was probably afraid and my own fear of feeling invalidated by being lied to caused my anger. I think a lot of times we are driven by fear and sometimes that fear causes us to put on a suit of armor (to steal a metaphor from Pema Chodron); I think if we can realize people are just like us that anger is not necessarily real; it may just be a habit reaction; I try my best to stay calm and observe and not act from a place of high emotion as that is often times a period of temporary insanity where we are devoid of logic.

    This comes back to zazen to not believe our thoughts and that stoic idea of detachment that we have been discussing. I think when I act out of fear or anger itís to protect something that may not need protecting; I try to ask myself do I want to be right or do what is right, which may not be the same. Anyway easier said then done but I guess thatís why we have the bodhisattva vows and precepts as a compass and a practice to make us painfully aware of how we donít always act properly hahaha

    sorry for going over and typos; typing from an iphone

    gassho

    risho
    -stlah

  19. #19
    I drove a company vehicle for years, One of the first things I remember from any driver training sessions was not to admit blame at the scene of an accident. Let the legals work it out. This could have been her reason to remain silent.

    gassho, Shokai
    stlah
    仁道 生開 - Jindo Shokai "Open to life in a benevolent way"
    May we all grow together in our knowledge of the Dharma

  20. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Shokai View Post
    I drove a company vehicle for years, One of the first things I remember from any driver training sessions was not to admit blame at the scene of an accident. Let the legals work it out. This could have been her reason to remain silent.

    gassho, Shokai
    stlah
    This makes me extremely sad that this is the attitude that companies encourage. Like I understand why they do that in the sense that they hope they can avoid having to pay for any damages, but it still makes me sad.


    Evan,
    Sat today
    Just going through life one day at a time!

  21. #21
    Yeah me too - but I can understand it too - people will claim all sorts of fake injuries to get money, etc. I mean civil injury cases in the US don't have any standards in terms of what payouts are linked to types of injuries. If I were unethical, I could get a "shady" doctor (or chiropractor) to sign off on me having severe injuries that are non-existent and just make a killing in terms of the money I'm awarded for even a small bump like this.

    This is a similar problem with all the extra costs to doctors who have to pay for malpractice insurance.

    Anyway - I don't have a jaded view that everyone is like this but there are people who are like that, which is why we have to have these very strict hands off protocols. It's a crazy saha world. ahahaha

    But the most important part is that I'm right - I mean if everyone realized I were right - I wouldn't get angry anymore, so this is everyone else's fault. hahahahaha

    Gassho

    Risho
    -stlah

  22. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Risho View Post
    Yeah me too - but I can understand it too - people will claim all sorts of fake injuries to get money, etc. I mean civil injury cases in the US don't have any standards in terms of what payouts are linked to types of injuries. If I were unethical, I could get a "shady" doctor (or chiropractor) to sign off on me having severe injuries that are non-existent and just make a killing in terms of the money I'm awarded for even a small bump like this.
    The Buddha's Law: Seek to be honest. Sit down and keep your mouth shut.

    The Civil Law: Keep your mouth shut.

    Alas.

    Gassho, Jundo (Zen Teacher & J.D., Duke University School of Law, '86)

    STLaw
    ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

  23. #23
    But if I remember, the 11th precept states that I'm always right hahahahah point taken

    Gassho

    Risho
    -stlah

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •