Being like a fish amidst suffering

[Tomás ESP]

As some of you might know, these are difficult times for my family. I haven't been very active on the forum lately, so I wanted to share an experience I had during zazen today that I found poetic and meaningful.

I was meditating in the Euro SSR, after many weeks of not engaging in zazen (I did do mindfulness meditation every day). My mind was restless, agitated. I felt anxiety in my chest and in my stomach, thoughts rushing in constantly. While trying to just let it be, be okay with not being okay, I suddenly visualized a huge wave of fears soaring over me and coming to crush me. I suddenly felt the intense fear engulf me. The idea that I am stuck in Samsara, in the cycle of rebirth, in this endless ocean of suffering, was too much to bear. I felt like I was drowning. I almost got up and left zazen, feeling hopeless. Suddenly the movie "Zen", about Dogen's life came to mind. I remembered the scene where Dogen speaks to the emperor and says:

"Zazen is to see the water in the vast Ocean. And yet, until we find the innate Buddha, we cannot understand there is water in the vast ocean".

After these quick flashes of wisdom pouring like nectar on my otherwise scared mind, I felt an immediate sense of relief. I stuck to feeling the posture, letting the thoughts come and go, and just being with it all.

After Zazen, going through Genjokoan, I found these sentences (from Nishijima's translation):

- "When fish move through water, however they move, there is no end to the water".

- "This being so, a bird or a fish that aimed to move through the water or the sky [only] after getting to the bottom of water or utterly penetrating the sky, could never find its way or find its place in the water or in the sky. When we find this place, this action is inevitably realized as the Universe. When we find this way, this action is inevitably the realized Universe [itself]".

I realize that I got caught up in many waves of thoughts, emotions and sensations. And yet, I also feel great after sitting with the Sangha once again.

Gassho, Tomás
Sat

(Sorry for going over 3 sentences, hope this sharing may be fruitful).

[Ugrok]

Thanks a lot for your practice,

Gassho,

Uggy

Sat today

[Jundo]

I suddenly visualized a huge wave of fears soaring over me and coming to crush me

Thank you. A fish cannot drown in a wave, only when it is removed from water.

Gassho, J

STLah

[Kokuu]

Lovely, Tomás!

It is great when we remember parts of teachings and apply them to practice.

I am sorry you are going through difficult times

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-

[Meitou]

As some of you might know, these are difficult times for my family. I haven't been very active on the forum lately, so I wanted to share an experience I had during zazen today that I found poetic and meaningful.

I was meditating in the Euro SSR, after many weeks of not engaging in zazen (I did do mindfulness meditation every day). My mind was restless, agitated. I felt anxiety in my chest and in my stomach, thoughts rushing in constantly. While trying to just let it be, be okay with not being okay, I suddenly visualized a huge wave of fears soaring over me and coming to crush me. I suddenly felt the intense fear engulf me. The idea that I am stuck in Samsara, in the cycle of rebirth, in this endless ocean of suffering, was too much to bear. I felt like I was drowning. I almost got up and left zazen, feeling hopeless. Suddenly the movie "Zen", about Dogen's life came to mind. I remembered the scene where Dogen speaks to the emperor and says:

"Zazen is to see the water in the vast Ocean. And yet, until we find the innate Buddha, we cannot understand there is water in the vast ocean".

After these quick flashes of wisdom pouring like nectar on my otherwise scared mind, I felt an immediate sense of relief. I stuck to feeling the posture, letting the thoughts come and go, and just being with it all.

After Zazen, going through Genjokoan, I found these sentences (from Nishijima's translation):

- "When fish move through water, however they move, there is no end to the water".

- "This being so, a bird or a fish that aimed to move through the water or the sky [only] after getting to the bottom of water or utterly penetrating the sky, could never find its way or find its place in the water or in the sky. When we find this place, this action is inevitably realized as the Universe. When we find this way, this action is inevitably the realized Universe [itself]".

I realize that I got caught up in many waves of thoughts, emotions and sensations. And yet, I also feel great after sitting with the Sangha once again.

Gassho, Tomás
Sat

(Sorry for going over 3 sentences, hope this sharing may be fruitful).

Metta to you and your loved ones Tomás
Meitou
Sattoday lah