I will leave you with one more story that I like to tell. It is about two flat tires I had years apart, both on rainy days when I was late for an appointment, wearing a nice suit. In the first case, I had only been practicing Zen and Zazen a short time. POP! went the tire, down came the rain, I was soaked and late … and just miserable about it. I hated the tire, I hated the rain, I hated missing my appointment, I hated the busy street and my soaking wet suit. I changed the tire, but I hated myself. I think that I actually kicked the flat tire, stubbing my toe and making myself even more miserable.
Some years later, almost the same scene: POP! went the tire, down came the rain, I was soaked and late … However, this time, the tire was the tire, and the rain fell like rain. I noticed that the drops were beautiful. I was soaked, but it was a cause to laugh. I was late, but time did not seem so important, and I even sensed a certain timelessness reminding me not to rush through life. The busy street was the one place to be in that moment. I changed the tire, I was content with myself. I remember quite clearly offering a bow of gratitude to the flat tire and the rain.
In both cases, I was just as soaking wet, just as late. In both cases, I changed the tire and got on my way. In both cases, I missed my appointment, and was not able to reschedule.
But in one case, it was terrible. And in one case, it was fine, even nice. Beautiful in fact.
So, I hope you find your switch and learn to use it.