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Thread: Your Haiku!

  1. #1

    Your Haiku!

    Please leave your haiku here and I will try and give feedback on as many as I can.

    silent sitting
    my body becomes
    the east wind


    (published in Blithe Spirit, the journal of the British Haiku Society)

    Gassho
    Kokuu
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  2. #2
    Hello, visited the garden this morning...

    cherry blossom rain
    ripples in the pond
    the toads mate


    Gassho,
    Kotei sat/lah today.
    古庭 KoTei / Ralf

  3. #3

  4. #4

  5. #5
    Spring breeze
    Rumbling truck engine
    Filling potholes.

    Gassho,
    Jakuden
    SatToday/LAH
    清 道 寂田
    SEIDO JAKUDEN
    I am a novice priest. Any resemblance my posts may have to actual teachings about the Dharma, living or dead, is purely coincidental (and just my attempt to be helpful).

  6. #6
    Ice rain falls

    Cold winds blow

    Northern spring


    Gassho,

    Junkyo
    SAT

    Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk

  7. #7
    cherry blossom rain
    ripples in the pond
    the toads mate


    Lovely! If it were up to me I might change the last line to 'mating toads' but there is a lovely comparison of ripples going forward and the future consequences of mating.

    Chop

    Hmmm.


    Whiteout

    There is actually a classic modern haiku which is the word tundra in the centre of a white page. This is similar.

    One word haiku are the poetic equivalent of the all white canvas - novel once but quickly pale on repetition.


    Spring breeze
    Rumbling truck engine
    Filling potholes


    I like this! Mostly all lines are best started in lower case and fills might keep it in the present moment better than filling. 'ing' words tend to be used only once in a haiku. But, again, there is a lovely connection between the rumble of the truck and the breeze.

    A suggested version:

    spring breeze
    a rumbling truck
    fills potholes
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  8. #8
    Ice rain falls
    Cold winds blow
    Northern spring


    Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  9. #9
    I like:



    Thunder



    Or



    Sunrise




    Interesting, powerful, speak a thousand words with brevity. They work quite well if the reader knows what they are reading is a haiku like in this thread. In every day use they are not haikus.


    My 2 cents.

    Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

  10. #10
    plum blossoms in spring
    dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
    the geese move to the south

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post

    spring breeze
    a rumbling truck
    fills potholes


    Gassho,
    Jakuden
    SatToday/LAH
    清 道 寂田
    SEIDO JAKUDEN
    I am a novice priest. Any resemblance my posts may have to actual teachings about the Dharma, living or dead, is purely coincidental (and just my attempt to be helpful).

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    Ice rain falls
    Cold winds blow
    Northern spring


    Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!
    I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

    rain

    winds

    northern spring

    There is the set up and powerful punch line. Much simpler and effective but that’s just me.

    Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    cherry blossom rain
    ripples in the pond
    the toads mate


    Lovely! If it were up to me I might change the last line to 'mating toads' but there is a lovely comparison of ripples going forward and the future consequences of mating.
    Thank you, I'll go with the suggested 'mating toads', I like the simplicity and sound and the image is still working for me.
    Passing away and becoming, meeting in the ripples in the pond... wave and ocean...
    Gassho,
    Kotei sat/lah today.
    古庭 KoTei / Ralf

  14. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    Ice rain falls
    Cold winds blow
    Northern spring


    Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!
    Thank you for the lesson!

    Gassho,

    Junkyo
    Sat
    Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Jishin View Post
    I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

    rain

    winds

    northern spring

    There is the set up and powerful punch line. Much simpler and effective but that’s just me.

    Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_
    Hi Jishin!

    I like this too! I have always been told I tend to be too wordy! Perhaps something to think about haha.

    Gassho,

    Junkyo
    Sat

    Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk

  16. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by Junkyo View Post
    Hi Jishin!

    I like this too! I have always been told I tend to be too wordy! Perhaps something to think about haha.

    Gassho,

    Junkyo
    Sat

    Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk
    I Ike brevity. All dogmas fall over time. Haikus are no exception. A haiku is what you say it is. But that’s just me.



    Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

  17. #17
    hawks on the wing
    in a spring breeze
    old leaves stir and dance
    空道 心志 Kudo Shinshi
    I am just a priest-in-training, any resemblance between what I post and actual teachings is purely coincidental.

  18. #18
    I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

    rain
    winds
    northern spring
    Yes, this works too. Brevity is punchy but it doesn't mean it is always best.

    I generally write and then strip out anything unnecessary but it is a matter of opinion what is necessary and what is unnecessary.
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  19. #19
    I like:

    Thunder

    Or

    Sunrise
    The problem here is that there is no dynamic tension as there is between two parts of a good haiku.

    It is great to consider the impact and meaning of a single word but it isn't really a haiku. 'tundra' on a blank page works because of the interplay between the word and the space. Thunder and sunrise do not do that.

    I would put into the category of fun to play with as are single colour canvasses, but paling with repetition.
    Last edited by Kokuu; 04-05-2019 at 10:18 AM.
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  20. #20
    plum blossoms in spring
    dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
    the geese move to the south
    This might be a little wordy, Hishiryo.

    Firstly, you don't need spring in addition to plum blossom as that already sets the season as spring.

    Also, a haiku is generally set in one moment in time and place, so usually one season. There are exceptions though.

    Putting this in autumn it would be best just with the last part:

    leaves dance
    on the wind
    departing geese
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  21. #21
    hawks on the wing
    in a spring breeze
    old leaves stir and dance
    I really like the idea! Maybe a bit briefer and make the connection clear?

    hawk on the wing
    last year's leaves
    live again
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  22. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    This might be a little wordy, Hishiryo.

    Firstly, you don't need spring in addition to plum blossom as that already sets the season as spring.

    Also, a haiku is generally set in one moment in time and place, so usually one season. There are exceptions though.

    Putting this in autumn it would be best just with the last part:

    leaves dance
    on the wind
    departing geese
    Thank you for that response, Kokuu - i understand :-)

    Gassho,
    Ben

    St

  23. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    The problem here is that there is no dynamic tension as there is between two parts of a good haiku.

    It is great to consider the impact and meaning of a single word but it isn't really a haiku. 'tundra' on a blank page works because of the interplay between the word and the space. Thunder and sunrise do not do that.

    I would put into the category of fun to play with as are single colour canvasses, but paling with repetition.

    thunder

    This is a great haiku and this is why:

    the before and after silence of thunder is not the same.

    sleeping silence

    thunder

    startled awake silence

    The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.

    Same goes for the next haiku:


    Sunrise


    There is dark and bright light before and after sunrise. The punchline is "Sunrise" and the "aha" moment is the light that comes afterwards. Another great haiku. There is also mention of time/season.

    Creativity is fun and a haiku is a haiku when someone calls it a haiku.

    My 2 cents.

    Gassho, Jishin, ST

  24. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    I really like the idea! Maybe a bit briefer and make the connection clear?

    hawk on the wing
    last year's leaves
    live again
    Thank you for the feedback Kokuu.

    Gassho, Shinshi

    SaT-LaH
    空道 心志 Kudo Shinshi
    I am just a priest-in-training, any resemblance between what I post and actual teachings is purely coincidental.

  25. #25
    Off-the-cuff haiku after zazenkai, please be nice .

    plodding thoughts
    shadow and incense smoke
    the watcher watches

    Gassho,
    Mitka
    Sat
    Peace begins inside

  26. #26
    I have not the faintest idea about haikus, but I try it anyway.

    red-dressed sun flows
    into star-sprinkled night
    I sleep

    Gassho
    Teiro

    Sat
    Last edited by Teiro; 04-08-2019 at 04:42 AM.

  27. #27
    Treeleaf Unsui Geika's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    San Diego County, California
    Moonlight cuts rivers
    Out of dark slopes on the ground
    Bright and stark like ice

    Sat today, lah
    求道芸化 Kyudo Geika
    I am just a priest-in-training, please do not take anything I say as a teaching.

  28. #28
    Moonlight cuts rivers
    Out of dark slopes on the ground
    Bright and stark like ice
    Lovely, Geika, but no need to stick to 5-7-5 syllables.

    red-dressed sun flows
    into star-sprinkled night
    I sleep


    Sometimes not knowing is the best! Very good effort!

    plodding thoughts
    shadow and incense smoke
    the watcher watches


    Is good, Mitka! I wonder if 'rising thoughts' might be even stronger to convey the relationship between the thoughts and incense?
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  29. #29
    The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.
    I agree but not sure the reader will get that. However, you could express it...

    thunder
    the silence before
    and after

    If haiku were just one word I doubt they would have survived for so long and spread to so many different countries and cultures. We need something more to say what it was about *that* thunder and your reaction to it that makes it different from any other moment of thunder. What was it about *that* particular sunrise.

    The interest is in the specificity rather than generality.

    Gassho
    Kokuu
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  30. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post

    thunder
    the silence before
    and after
    This is a very nice Haiku Kokuu. I agree with what you say about Haikus.

    Gassho, Jishin, ST

  31. #31
    to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
    I retrace my steps over the bridge
    as the brook giggles at my retreat

    Actually this (almost) happened to me 90 minutes ago while walking our dog. When I crossed a tiny bridge over a minor brook, the way led me along the banks which are just plastered with blooming cherry trees. The fragrance got so overpowering that I really considered to flee that intensity.

    Gassho
    Gero

    (sat)

  32. #32
    Thanks a lot for your kind feedback, Kokuu.

    But surely there are some rules for Haiku I should know about, like the 5-7-5 syllable thing I just’ve read about on Wikipedia.
    Do you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?

    Oops... I just’ve found your introductions on how to write Haiku...
    Thanks for the teaching, Kokuu.

    Gassho
    Teiro

    Sat/Lah
    Last edited by Teiro; 04-09-2019 at 10:47 AM.

  33. #33
    Treeleaf Unsui Geika's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    San Diego County, California
    Thank you, Kokuu

    Gassho, sat today, lah
    求道芸化 Kyudo Geika
    I am just a priest-in-training, please do not take anything I say as a teaching.

  34. #34
    winter
    in Saigon
    summer heat
    Gassho
    Nick
    Satlah



    Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
    Last edited by Kyoshin; 04-10-2019 at 01:13 PM.

  35. #35
    corn field stubble
    sharp eyes find gold
    wild turkey strut

    Gassho,
    Jakuden
    SatToday/LAH


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Last edited by Jakuden; 04-14-2019 at 09:48 PM.
    清 道 寂田
    SEIDO JAKUDEN
    I am a novice priest. Any resemblance my posts may have to actual teachings about the Dharma, living or dead, is purely coincidental (and just my attempt to be helpful).

  36. #36
    foggy street
    sunlight beams
    roadside clarity

    Gassho,
    Junkyo
    SAT

  37. #37
    Member Hoseki's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Location
    St. John's Newfoundland, Canada.
    meeting a fan -
    he greets them with
    blood stained hands

    gassho
    Hoseki
    Sattoday

  38. #38
    sparrow in the sun
    flying hawk
    autumn in the cerrado

    In Portuguese (original):
    pardal ao sol
    carcará voando
    outono no cerrado


    I tried to convey the feeling of impermanence and fragility of life linking the approach of the carcará to the coming of autumns, witch represents the beginning of the dry season in the Brazilian Cerrado, from middle autumn (April) to middle spring (November). I don't know how to translate carcará (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_crested_caracara) in English, so I translated as hawk, but its not the same species and hawk don't convey the same feeling (caracarás are know to be resistantand adaptable as they prey and eat any kind of animal, prospering during the dry season that treatens other animals). As both the sparrow and the carcará are not seasonal birds, I used the autumn to convey the seasonal feeling.
    Hope it makes some sense as a haiku.

    Gassho,
    Mateus
    Sat today

  39. #39
    to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
    I retrace my steps over the bridge
    as the brook giggles at my retreat


    Woah! Some great images in there, Gero, but is getting awful big for a haiku! Try to pick two parts and work with that.
    For example...

    cherry blossom
    I retrace my steps
    over the bridge

    winter
    in Saigon
    summer heat


    Lovely, Nick. You might want to consider using another word other than summer to describe the heat but it works well anyway.
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  40. #40
    corn field stubble
    sharp eyes find gold
    wild turkey strut
    I like the images, Jakuden, but it sounds a bit stilted. One part should be a fragment and the phrase part read like a sentence. Otherwise we get three rather choppy lines.
    For example...

    wild turkey strut
    sharp eyes find gold
    among the stubble

    foggy street
    sunlight beams
    roadside clarity


    As with Jakuden, the images are there but the poem feels rather choppy. Are the sunlight beams from a car or the sun?
    The second part needs to feel more like a sentence.
    E.g.

    foggy street
    beams of sunlight
    clear the road

    That may not be quite what you wanted to say so experiment yourself.
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  41. #41
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    I like the images, Jakuden, but it sounds a bit stilted. One part should be a fragment and the phrase part read like a sentence. Otherwise we get three rather choppy lines.
    For example...

    wild turkey strut
    sharp eyes find gold
    among the stubble

    foggy street
    sunlight beams
    roadside clarity


    As with Jakuden, the images are there but the poem feels rather choppy. Are the sunlight beams from a car or the sun?
    The second part needs to feel more like a sentence.
    E.g.

    foggy street
    beams of sunlight
    clear the road

    That may not be quite what you wanted to say so experiment yourself.
    Hi Kokuu,

    Foggy street

    Sunlight beams

    Roadside clarity

    Was mine Haha. I think you joined two separate posts!

    The idea in mine was to relate a foggy street to a mind that was obscured by the defilements, the sunlight beams are alluding to wisdom, and of course roadside clarity is allegory to enlightenment.

    Gassho,

    Junkyo
    SAT

    Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk

  42. #42
    meeting a fan -
    he greets them with
    blood stained hands


    Dark! But a good haiku, or at least senryu (senryu is the term given to haiku which are more focussed on human behaviour and quirks rather than nature and lacking a season word).

    sparrow in the sun
    flying hawk
    autumn in the cerrado


    It does make sense, Mateus. Thank you. And yes, often hard to translate animals into something English.

    All of the elements are there but it doesn't quite flow as a poem yet. Perhaps there needs to be a linkage between hawk and sparrow, even if it is implicit?

    a hawk and sparrow
    share the sun
    cerrado autumn

    cerrado autumn
    hawk eyes pick out
    a sunlit sparrow

    Just ideas! A lovely glimpse into your natural world, which is one of the joys of haiku!
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  43. #43
    Do you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?
    Hi Teiro

    Yes, I left some instructions and hopefully made clear about the 5-7-5 aspect.

    This is also a good guide for haiku writing: https://ahapoetry.com/Bare%20Bones/bbtoc%20intro.html

    Gassho
    Kokuu
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  44. #44
    Quote Originally Posted by Kokuu View Post
    sparrow in the sun
    flying hawk
    autumn in the cerrado


    It does make sense, Mateus. Thank you. And yes, often hard to translate animals into something English.

    All of the elements are there but it doesn't quite flow as a poem yet. Perhaps there needs to be a linkage between hawk and sparrow, even if it is implicit?

    a hawk and sparrow
    share the sun
    cerrado autumn

    cerrado autumn
    hawk eyes pick out
    a sunlit sparrow

    Just ideas! A lovely glimpse into your natural world, which is one of the joys of haiku!
    Thank you, Kokuu. I can see the lack of linkage between the hawk and the sparrow. I like your versions better.

    This was a scene I saw while going to work. I’ll try to be more attentive to let other haiku find my mind.
    Gassho,
    Mateus
    Sat/LAH

  45. #45
    Thanks for the feedback, Kokuu!

    Gassho
    Nick
    Satlah

  46. #46
    Thank you, Kokuu!

    I feel somewhat restricted with the 5-7-5 approach. But as far as I understand it, it is not the only way to write Haiku -especially not in English.

    So here is an other try. It came to me during a morning walk and it probably doesn’t qualify as a Haiku

    woodpecker pecking, cuckoo in the distance
    dappled green sun light shades of blue
    heart beats

    Gassho
    Teiro

    Sat
    Teiro

  47. #47
    Quote Originally Posted by Teiro View Post
    Thank you, Kokuu!

    I feel somewhat restricted with the 5-7-5 approach. But as far as I understand it, it is not the only way to write Haiku -especially not in English.

    So here is an other try. It came to me during a morning walk and it probably doesn’t qualify as a Haiku

    woodpecker pecking, cuckoo in the distance
    dappled green sun light shades of blue
    heart beats

    Gassho
    Teiro

    Sat
    Wow! I do not feel qualified to rate any haiku, but this one immediately spoke to me. So tranquil images yet really moving.

  48. #48
    Thank you, Gero, for your kind words.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gero View Post
    Wow! I do not feel qualified to rate any haiku, but this one immediately spoke to me. So tranquil images yet really moving.
    Gassho
    Teiro
    Sat
    Teiro

  49. #49
    Hi Teiro!

    Generally, when people write haiku in western languages they use less then 5-7-5 syllables since Japanese sound units are shorter than our syllables. We also try to use only two images in one poem, although there may be exceptions.

    If you want to write longer poems, that is fine. You do not have to be restricted to haiku. In Japanese culture, you may want to look at tanka which take the form of five lines and 5-7-5-7-7 sound units. As for haiku, western languages tend to go with less.

    You have some great images in your poem and could easily make two haiku! For example:

    dappled green sun
    a woodpecker pecking
    heart beats

    cuckoo
    in the distance
    light shades of blue


    If you wish to see some German language haiku to see how things are done in what I am assuming is your native language, I would recommend the journal Chrysanthemum: http://www.chrysanthemum-haiku.net/d...ent-issue.html

    Gassho
    Kokuu
    -sattoday-
    ------------------------------------
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  50. #50
    Thank you Kokuu for your good advice. I will check out Chrysanthemum. However, I actually feel much more comfortable writing in English - but I have absolutely no idea why that’s so.... It just is.

    Gassho
    Teiro

    Who will sit tonight

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