Please leave your haiku here and I will try and give feedback on as many as I can.
silent sitting
my body becomes
the east wind
(published in Blithe Spirit, the journal of the British Haiku Society)
Gassho
Kokuu
Please leave your haiku here and I will try and give feedback on as many as I can.
silent sitting
my body becomes
the east wind
(published in Blithe Spirit, the journal of the British Haiku Society)
Gassho
Kokuu
Last edited by Jundo; 01-24-2021 at 02:35 AM.
Hello, visited the garden this morning...
cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate
Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.
義道 冴庭 / Gidō Kotei.
Being a novice priest doesn't mean my writing about the Dharma is more substantial than yours. Actually, it might well be the other way round.
Spring breeze
Rumbling truck engine
Filling potholes.
Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH
Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring
Gassho,
Junkyo
SAT
Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk
Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring
Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!
cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate
Lovely! If it were up to me I might change the last line to 'mating toads' but there is a lovely comparison of ripples going forward and the future consequences of mating.
Chop
Hmmm.
Whiteout
There is actually a classic modern haiku which is the word tundra in the centre of a white page. This is similar.
One word haiku are the poetic equivalent of the all white canvas - novel once but quickly pale on repetition.
Spring breeze
Rumbling truck engine
Filling potholes
I like this! Mostly all lines are best started in lower case and fills might keep it in the present moment better than filling. 'ing' words tend to be used only once in a haiku. But, again, there is a lovely connection between the rumble of the truck and the breeze.
A suggested version:
spring breeze
a rumbling truck
fills potholes
義道 冴庭 / Gidō Kotei.
Being a novice priest doesn't mean my writing about the Dharma is more substantial than yours. Actually, it might well be the other way round.
I like:
Thunder
Or
Sunrise
Interesting, powerful, speak a thousand words with brevity. They work quite well if the reader knows what they are reading is a haiku like in this thread. In every day use they are not haikus.
My 2 cents.
Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_
plum blossoms in spring
dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
the geese move to the south
hawks on the wing
in a spring breeze
old leaves stir and dance
空道 心志 Kudo Shinshi
I am just a priest-in-training, any resemblance between what I post and actual teachings is purely coincidental.
E84I - JAJ
The problem here is that there is no dynamic tension as there is between two parts of a good haiku.I like:
Thunder
Or
Sunrise
It is great to consider the impact and meaning of a single word but it isn't really a haiku. 'tundra' on a blank page works because of the interplay between the word and the space. Thunder and sunrise do not do that.
I would put into the category of fun to play with as are single colour canvasses, but paling with repetition.
Last edited by Kokuu; 04-05-2019 at 10:18 AM.
thunder
This is a great haiku and this is why:
the before and after silence of thunder is not the same.
sleeping silence
thunder
startled awake silence
The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.
Same goes for the next haiku:
Sunrise
There is dark and bright light before and after sunrise. The punchline is "Sunrise" and the "aha" moment is the light that comes afterwards. Another great haiku. There is also mention of time/season.
Creativity is fun and a haiku is a haiku when someone calls it a haiku.
My 2 cents.
Gassho, Jishin, ST
This might be a little wordy, Hishiryo.plum blossoms in spring
dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
the geese move to the south
Firstly, you don't need spring in addition to plum blossom as that already sets the season as spring.
Also, a haiku is generally set in one moment in time and place, so usually one season. There are exceptions though.
Putting this in autumn it would be best just with the last part:
leaves dance
on the wind
departing geese
I really like the idea! Maybe a bit briefer and make the connection clear?hawks on the wing
in a spring breeze
old leaves stir and dance
hawk on the wing
last year's leaves
live again
Yes, this works too. Brevity is punchy but it doesn't mean it is always best.I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.
rain
winds
northern spring
I generally write and then strip out anything unnecessary but it is a matter of opinion what is necessary and what is unnecessary.
Off-the-cuff haiku after zazenkai, please be nice .
plodding thoughts
shadow and incense smoke
the watcher watches
Gassho,
Mitka
Sat
Peace begins inside
I have not the faintest idea about haikus, but I try it anyway.
red-dressed sun flows
into star-sprinkled night
I sleep
Gassho
Teiro
Sat
Last edited by Teiro; 04-08-2019 at 04:42 AM.
Moonlight cuts rivers
Out of dark slopes on the ground
Bright and stark like ice
Sat today, lah
求道芸化 Kyūdō Geika
I am just a priest-in-training, please do not take anything I say as a teaching.
I agree but not sure the reader will get that. However, you could express it...The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.
thunder
the silence before
and after
If haiku were just one word I doubt they would have survived for so long and spread to so many different countries and cultures. We need something more to say what it was about *that* thunder and your reaction to it that makes it different from any other moment of thunder. What was it about *that* particular sunrise.
The interest is in the specificity rather than generality.
Gassho
Kokuu
Lovely, Geika, but no need to stick to 5-7-5 syllables.Moonlight cuts rivers
Out of dark slopes on the ground
Bright and stark like ice
red-dressed sun flows
into star-sprinkled night
I sleep
Sometimes not knowing is the best! Very good effort!
plodding thoughts
shadow and incense smoke
the watcher watches
Is good, Mitka! I wonder if 'rising thoughts' might be even stronger to convey the relationship between the thoughts and incense?
Thanks a lot for your kind feedback, Kokuu.
But surely there are some rules for Haiku I should know about, like the 5-7-5 syllable thing I just’ve read about on Wikipedia.
Do you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?
Oops... I just’ve found your introductions on how to write Haiku...
Thanks for the teaching, Kokuu.
Gassho
Teiro
Sat/Lah
Last edited by Teiro; 04-09-2019 at 10:47 AM.
to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
I retrace my steps over the bridge
as the brook giggles at my retreat
Actually this (almost) happened to me 90 minutes ago while walking our dog. When I crossed a tiny bridge over a minor brook, the way led me along the banks which are just plastered with blooming cherry trees. The fragrance got so overpowering that I really considered to flee that intensity.
Gassho
Gero
(sat)
Thank you, Kokuu
Gassho, sat today, lah
求道芸化 Kyūdō Geika
I am just a priest-in-training, please do not take anything I say as a teaching.
winter
in Saigon
summer heat
Gassho
Nick
Satlah
Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
Last edited by Kyoshin; 04-10-2019 at 01:13 PM.
corn field stubble
sharp eyes find gold
wild turkey strut
Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Last edited by Jakuden; 04-14-2019 at 09:48 PM.
foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity
Gassho,
Junkyo
SAT
meeting a fan -
he greets them with
blood stained hands
gassho
Hoseki
Sattoday
sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado
In Portuguese (original):
pardal ao sol
carcará voando
outono no cerrado
I tried to convey the feeling of impermanence and fragility of life linking the approach of the carcará to the coming of autumns, witch represents the beginning of the dry season in the Brazilian Cerrado, from middle autumn (April) to middle spring (November). I don't know how to translate carcará (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_crested_caracara) in English, so I translated as hawk, but its not the same species and hawk don't convey the same feeling (caracarás are know to be resistantand adaptable as they prey and eat any kind of animal, prospering during the dry season that treatens other animals). As both the sparrow and the carcará are not seasonal birds, I used the autumn to convey the seasonal feeling.
Hope it makes some sense as a haiku.
Gassho,
Mateus
Sat today
I like the images, Jakuden, but it sounds a bit stilted. One part should be a fragment and the phrase part read like a sentence. Otherwise we get three rather choppy lines.corn field stubble
sharp eyes find gold
wild turkey strut
For example...
wild turkey strut
sharp eyes find gold
among the stubble
foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity
As with Jakuden, the images are there but the poem feels rather choppy. Are the sunlight beams from a car or the sun?
The second part needs to feel more like a sentence.
E.g.
foggy street
beams of sunlight
clear the road
That may not be quite what you wanted to say so experiment yourself.
Hi Kokuu,
Foggy street
Sunlight beams
Roadside clarity
Was mine Haha. I think you joined two separate posts!
The idea in mine was to relate a foggy street to a mind that was obscured by the defilements, the sunlight beams are alluding to wisdom, and of course roadside clarity is allegory to enlightenment.
Gassho,
Junkyo
SAT
Sent from my SM-G955W using Tapatalk
meeting a fan -
he greets them with
blood stained hands
Dark! But a good haiku, or at least senryu (senryu is the term given to haiku which are more focussed on human behaviour and quirks rather than nature and lacking a season word).
sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado
It does make sense, Mateus. Thank you. And yes, often hard to translate animals into something English.
All of the elements are there but it doesn't quite flow as a poem yet. Perhaps there needs to be a linkage between hawk and sparrow, even if it is implicit?
a hawk and sparrow
share the sun
cerrado autumn
cerrado autumn
hawk eyes pick out
a sunlit sparrow
Just ideas! A lovely glimpse into your natural world, which is one of the joys of haiku!
Hi TeiroDo you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?
Yes, I left some instructions and hopefully made clear about the 5-7-5 aspect.
This is also a good guide for haiku writing: https://ahapoetry.com/Bare%20Bones/bbtoc%20intro.html
Gassho
Kokuu
Thank you, Kokuu!
I feel somewhat restricted with the 5-7-5 approach. But as far as I understand it, it is not the only way to write Haiku -especially not in English.
So here is an other try. It came to me during a morning walk and it probably doesn’t qualify as a Haiku
woodpecker pecking, cuckoo in the distance
dappled green sun light shades of blue
heart beats
Gassho
Teiro
Sat
Teiro
to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
I retrace my steps over the bridge
as the brook giggles at my retreat
Woah! Some great images in there, Gero, but is getting awful big for a haiku! Try to pick two parts and work with that.
For example...
cherry blossom
I retrace my steps
over the bridge
winter
in Saigon
summer heat
Lovely, Nick. You might want to consider using another word other than summer to describe the heat but it works well anyway.
You think you are here
Then something happens, kerplunk;
every day is a gift.
The barn is burnt down
Now we see the fields beyond,
There is a full moon.
Foggy lens replaced,
Was blind but now I can see;
Amazing autumn.
Love you all; gassho, Shokai
stlah
合掌,生開
gassho, Shokai
仁道 生開 / Jindo Shokai
"Open to life in a benevolent way"
https://sarushinzendo.wordpress.com/
Hi Teiro!
Generally, when people write haiku in western languages they use less then 5-7-5 syllables since Japanese sound units are shorter than our syllables. We also try to use only two images in one poem, although there may be exceptions.
If you want to write longer poems, that is fine. You do not have to be restricted to haiku. In Japanese culture, you may want to look at tanka which take the form of five lines and 5-7-5-7-7 sound units. As for haiku, western languages tend to go with less.
You have some great images in your poem and could easily make two haiku! For example:
dappled green sun
a woodpecker pecking
heart beats
cuckoo
in the distance
light shades of blue
If you wish to see some German language haiku to see how things are done in what I am assuming is your native language, I would recommend the journal Chrysanthemum: http://www.chrysanthemum-haiku.net/d...ent-issue.html
Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-