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Thread: My Cancer Ango - 4 - I'm Scared

  1. #1

    My Cancer Ango - 4 - I'm Scared

    Sometimes, like tonight, I get really scared. Cancer is scary.

    Some folks will say that being scared sometimes about such things as being sick and maybe dying disqualifies me as a Buddhist teacher, but I don't think so. Maybe the Buddha and other great Buddhists were beyond all fear of death, but maybe not. We do live in a world where someone can walk a high wire strung between the Twin Towers, or crash planes into them, seemingly beyond all fear of death. But that is not me, and I would not want to be so beyond all fear. That's not my Practice. I'm okay with being scared sometimes. It is okay to shake sometimes.

    It's okay.

    But that's not the end of the story because, marvelously, another part of me is beyond all fear after all. Right now, there is part of me that is somehow beyond "me" and all fear of death. Totally, absolutely, good with it all. There is a part of me that knows that there is no place to fall from any high wire.

    So, I can only say that somehow, marvelously, I am sometimes afraid right down to my quaking boots, but also beyond all fear at once. Sounds mixed-up perhaps, like I cannot make up my mind about whether I am afraid or not, but I am simply fearlessly afraid ... afraidedly fearless.

    And it's okay.

    I mean, it is not okay in the least, not one bit ... but it is Totally Okay (A Koan).

    Gassho, J

    Last edited by Jundo; 12-08-2017 at 04:10 PM.

  2. #2
    Thank you for this Jundo,

    I agree in life there is fear, because we are human; there is joy, because we are human; there is frustration/anger, because we are human. I don't believe we ever disconnect from those conditions or can be disconnected from them. These conditions help us live life, they help us care for this precious life. You have always said it so well ... to experience these conditions in life, but to much be a prisoner of them.

    I admire you for your courage Jundo ... both for facing such and sharing what you are facing. These kinds of actions show why you are such a great teacher, why you are my teacher - they show us that you are real, that you are not separate from us. Humility in my view is one of the most important qualities a teacher much have - this quality you have abundance!

    So whether joyful, whether scared ... myself and I can say all of your Sangha are here, sitting, sharing, and caring together - this is what practice is all about! =)


    倫道 真現

  3. #3
    Hi Jundo,

    I see no fear at all in your words. It takes courage and peace of mind to actually say out loud what you may be "scared" of and that you are at peace at the same time.

    Thank you, thank you.

    We are sitting for you and your family.


    Hondō Kyōnin
    奔道 協忍

  4. #4
    Calm seas never made a good sailor.

    Ask not what the Sangha can do for you, but what you can do for your Sangha.

  5. #5
    Treeleaf Unsui / Engineer Sekishi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Virginia, USA
    Thank you for continuing to share this experience dear Jundo.

    May you be at ease in your ills, the 3am "hour of the wolf" fears and shakes, and whatever else arises.

    All of it is just One Bright Pearl.

    Deep bows,

    As a novice priest-in-training, this is simply an expression of my opinion. Please take it with a grain of salt.

  6. #6

    My Cancer Ango - 4 - I'm Scared

    Thank you Jundo. You set a profound example of what this path is. With you in my thoughts.

    (will sit shortly)

  7. #7
    Member Hoseki's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    St. John's Newfoundland, Canada.
    Hi Jundo,

    I want to offer you solace and comfort but I find my words fail me. I don't know what I can say or do to make you feel better. But please remember your in our hearts and minds.


  8. #8

    Diligently attain nothing. Sort of. Best not to over-think it.

  9. #9
    Is it ok to say I am scared/not scared for you and with you? Professional empathy is one thing, but when itís someone close to you, itís another. It is going to be crowded in that operating room for sure.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    清 道 寂田
    I am a novice priest. Any resemblance my posts may have to actual teachings about the Dharma, living or dead, is purely coincidental (and just my attempt to be helpful).

  10. #10
    Thank you for your courage, your openness and your teaching. Glad to see your cat is looking after you. Deep bows.


  11. #11
    Thanks Jundo for sharing your human Ness and wisdom. May you receive the healing energy the whole universe offers.

    SAT today

    Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk
    無 (MU, Emptiness) and 氷 (HYO, Ice) ... Emptiness Ice ...

    I may be wrong and not knowing is acceptable

  12. #12
    When Shunryu Suzuki was ill with cancer, he confided to Katagiri Roshi that he also was scared. For me, it humanised him as a teacher.

    Illness is scary and there is no point in trying to suppress those fears. Where would they go? Why does anyone want to be beyond human? Who could relate to a teacher who doesn't feel emotions?

    As Sekishi says it is all one bright pearl, but within that there is fear, hope, sadness, love and many other emotions. Without those, the pearl would quickly lose its shine.

    Deep bows to you teacher
    Feel free to message me if you wish to talk about issues around practicing with physical limitations. This is something I have been sitting with for a fair while and am happy to help with suggestions or just offer a listening ear.

  13. #13
    Thank you, Jundo, for sharing your experience of what is happening, and showing us how to face life and death and all that comes. To feel real fear and at the same time feel a true fearlessness, while being open about all of it, is something to practice for. You are an inspiration to me.


  14. #14
    Thank you for your honesty, Jundo. I guess even Zen teachers sometimes come up against the expectations of others, or their own, around the shoulds and shouldn'ts of a Zen teacher. It sounds like you feel precisely like you feel. Its a funny thing that freedom is found in feeling completely. Thank you for your practice, thank you for this community.


    Sat today
    Last edited by RichardH; 12-08-2017 at 10:12 PM.

  15. #15

    My Cancer Ango - 4 - I'm Scared

    Thank you for your honesty and I wish you the best. Your experience is a light for us in our difficult times.



    PS I just finished the beginner talks and I have only been part of this community for a few weeks but it already has effected my life deeply. I am very grateful for your teachings.

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
    Last edited by Hyōhaku-sha; 12-09-2017 at 02:50 AM.

  16. #16
    No eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body or mind. True, but it still hurts when we get punched in the nose. My koan, lol. You are my teacher always. Deep bows


  17. #17
    Dear Jundo, thank you for showing your genuine self.

    Your courage and sharing this journey with us has really strengthened my practice. Thank you for that, Jundo.

    I too am scared/not scared with you.

    sat today/lah

  18. #18
    Member Geika's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    San Diego County, California
    I'm scared too, but it's okay.

    Mucho good thoughts to you.

    Gassho, sat today, lah
    迎 Geika

  19. #19


  20. #20

    sat + lah
    Please take my words with a big grain of salt. I know nothing. Wisdom is only found in our whole-hearted practice together.

  21. #21
    Thank you for this beautiful note. The hardest part in fear is not what might happen to us but what might happen to our children. I always feared that part. I had to be strong for them. I had to create stability in an unstable world for them. I respect your fear. I wish you recovery and strength. I will pray for that.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  22. #22
    ولعل ان تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم. ان اكرمكم عند الله اتقاكم. أرجو لك الشفاء والمحبه والرحمه. نداء

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  23. #23
    Thank you for this Jundo !
    sat today
    柔 Jyū flexible
    活 Katsu energetic

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