Dear Sangha and Friends,
A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with esophogial cancer. The doctors are optimistic, but we really won't know for some more weeks. Surgery is in the cards, very serious surgery, and a good period of hospitalization and recovery. The extent of the cancer cannot truly be known until the surgery itself and, of course, if the lymph system is involved then it may be eventually fatal. Chemotherapy and/or radiation may be in the cards. I have no way of knowing at the moment. Some of the doctors feel that the tumor is in the stomach as it is right on the border, and that is also possibly life threatening. As I said, they are all optimistic, but nobody can give a straight answer when pressed.
I must report, however, that I am doing quite well with all of this. I am happy to tell everyone that these 30 years of Zen Practice really do seem to pay off when the Zen hits the fan. Oh, my little self with all its fears, midnight sweats, visions of the worst case scenarios and “what if's” sure does raise its little head from time to time, but I can rest content that the self wins only a small amount of the time, all things considered. Little self, with all his mess, soon returns to stillness. The rest of me is just floating along with all this news, letting things take their course. I am surprised how much peace and equanimity I have been able to find at the heart of these days, and during all the poking and prodding that the doctors engage in. It is actually a beautiful time in its way. There is the deathless, fearless here. There is Peace. This Beautiful Zen Way shows its treasure at times like this. This is the power of Just Sitting, even when that Just Sitting is in a hospital bed with just this.
In the coming weeks and months, I would like to bring you along on this journey as much as I can, as we experience together what this Zen Path is like when the going is tough.
No matter how this turns out with life or death, it will be going on for many weeks and months to come. I feel that it is truly an “Ango," a period of long Retreat in which I am made strong by Shikantaza, Master Dogen, the Heart Sutra, the presence of this beautiful Sangha and other Dharma Friends and all the rest. Where but RIGHT HERE! is our Practice more about “life and death the great matter, time swiftly passes by” than this? I am dealing with physical discomforts, putting the “little self” in its place, dropping off body and mind, wearing tied robes (hospital gowns at least. a lot of probing and prodding these past weeks), being fed a diet (liquid) not of my choosing, and I will stare at walls and ceilings for long hours contemplating how this world is like “A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream, a flash of lightening, a flickering lamp, a phantom, a dream.”
Let's Go!
Happy Rohatsu Everyone, Buddha's Season of Enlightenment under the Bodhi Tree.
Gassho, Jundo
SatTodayLAH
(PS - AND GET YOURSELF CHECKED!)
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)) so thank-you for your frank, from the heart, no BS conversation.
