Originally Posted by
Risho
I have really been resistant to practice lately. I go through these phases sometimes, and I just let them ride. I sat last night for the first time in a week, and it felt so good. I don't know what it is about this practice; it's just right. Anyway, I go through phases of extreme cynicism, and it's just my mind doing it's thing.
Anyway, this book is so good. And I might add -so is your talk Jundo. If I come at this practice with a sort of perfectionism, I will burn out and want to quit. If I come at this practice with sanctimony (I think may be my new favorite word. lol) like "I'm saving beings, what are these losers doing?" it's not going to work. If I come at this practice like "hey I'm just sitting, nothing else matters" it's not going to work. I need this dynamic tension of just sitting with everything (not pushing or grasping) while trying my best. Trying my best to become my best while at the same time knowing that on an ultimate level no where to go.
Life is like this - of course it is; otherwise this practice would be meaningless. I need to eat right and work out, to use a common example. I can approach that like I am going to eat perfectly and work out because I"M a fat loser slob. Or I can work out by doing a nice easy walk and eat whatever I want because it doesn't matter. But it's both - and we have to figure out the mix for ourself. I'm at the point in my life, where I screw up. Sometimes I don't sit, sometimes I eat bad. But there is an underlying attitude in me that just wants to do as best I can.
And that is so hard; it's so hard to atone. When I mess up, instead of acknowledging where I am, learning from it and getting back up, a lot of times my mind starts sabotaging me like "why are you doing this?", "It's friday or it's a weekend, you should drink a little more.". "You sit all the time, taking a few days off isn't a big deal.". I have a lot, a lot, of divisive thoughts. By sitting, I'm able (if I'm not already hooked, but I'm getting better) to let them pass and even laugh or smile at them and then get back to what needs to be done.
Zen lets me see this, these negative attitudes toward myself and others. It's this tenacious energy in me that just wants to do my best, but at the same time acknowledging and being ok where I am. And my limited view of practice is this.
We are here- this is where we start all the time, right here, right now, but we have to do this work even though we aren't really getting anywhere. It's what it means to be human.
Dogen says it so poignantly in the Tenzo Kyokun (and it's one of my favorites): "If not now, when? If not you, who?" Zen brings about this engagement in life - there is this meaning to life that gets brought forth when bringing this attitude to life. It's this ultimate caring, not giving up, facing failure, getting back up attitude that is very empowering and humbling.
Gassho,
Risho
-sattoday