
Originally Posted by
Jigetsu
Some insight, from a sufferer of dark / intrusive thoughts.
This thread struck a deep chord in me. Four years ago, much like the man in the podcast I started to suffer from intrusive thoughts that seemed to come out of no where. Also, much like the man in the podcast, I was unable to function normally since I was almost besieged by them several times a day. The gaps in between were blissful, almost euphoric, until the next thought decided to slip in undetected and unwanted. Each thought seemed almost tailor made by an invisible enemy who knew exactly what to suggest that would cause me the most suffering. Which images about my wife and children would be the absolute worst for me to see, and then showing me in vivid detail using my own imagination as it's engine. I'm a calm man, docile even. I wouldn't be able to carry out such atrocities, but that was part of this whole mental process. I wasn't a danger to anyone, but I started to wonder if I was. I've never hurt anyone in my life, but then I wondered if I could. If I could sit here and picture the steps that would be needed to do such terrible things, I thought to myself, then I have to be capable of it, right?
I know now that the answer is 'no', but I didn't then. I went to a councilor, we tried CBT for a long while, but I was never able to relax enough to be 'ok' with the thoughts themselves. No matter how hard I tried, thoughts led to anxiety, anxiety led to "what if" and the cycle continued to feed itself. I attribute this period of my life as the darkest point of it. Next came medication. Medication chopped the highs and the lows off my emotional sine wave, allowing me to live comfortably in the middle, but it didn't (and still doesn't) completely stop intrusive thoughts from happening. I also now know that it's a form of OCD that you're never cured of, you just learn to manage. So now I'll touch on Jundo's list from a personal standpoint.
1) Analysis: Trying to understand them made them worse. Why am I thinking such horrible things? The conclusion was always the same for me. Because I am a terrible human being capable of great atrocity. Obviously this only dug me deeper in to despair.
2) CBT: As I'd mentioned, not much success. My volume was simply turned up too high for me to ever find peace in this.
3) Mindfulness/Zazen: Here, friends, family, is where my personal Zen rubber hits the road. Where it's taken off the cushion in to life's practice. Learning to let thoughts come and go, with nothing to add, nothing to take away... Seeing them as just that. Thoughts, not actions, but thoughts allowed me to learn to peacefully abide while on the cushion. Months of practice turned in to the thoughts whispering in to my ear, and not screaming. Months more, and I was able to treat them as I treat everything when in Zazen. See it's there. Don't engage, don't acknowledge, let it go. This has become the cadence of my life now, and I've become so good at ignoring them as free floating things with out impact, that's even rare when I know they happen anymore. Every so often an image will flash and I'll frown, but that's the extend of it anymore. Most times, it doesn't even break whatever train of thought I'd been on before it reared it's ugly head.
So there you have it, I've certainly written a lot but not really sure if I've said anything. I guess that's up to how ya'll interpret it for yourselves. Heh. Ya'll. Is my Texas showing?
It is. Isn't it?
~Jigetsu