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Thread: Identity transforming/dropping

  1. #1

    Identity transforming/dropping

    Pardon me, I am a largely silent oldster here who just posts on occasions of finding signposts along the road, such as this.

    At the beginning of last year I transitioned into a new job at my current university employment. I went from just being a professor/teacher, which I loved, to being director of a graduate program at a time that required a great deal of administrative duties, which is the stuff that I hate. I did this willingly but that doesn’t necessarily mean by choice; it was a logical option that made sense for all sorts of practical and political reasons, but it’s not something I would have chosen to do otherwise.

    My result was a truly miserable year, one of my most miserable years in a long time. I resented my new duties, even though I chose to undertake them. I practiced zazen, as always, with the non-aim of just accepting my new role and its consequences, but to no avail. As the year went on I got angry, then depressed, drank too much, and began to dread going into work at my job, something I had up until this change had greatly enjoyed. There’s a lot more to this story, but that’s not pertinent to this post. Anyway, all along, I sat with the good and the bad of it, no aim, and no benefit, just trying to surf through it but I was falling all the time. All the time.

    Normally, over a semester break I work on research or other school related projects, but not at the end of 2014. I was so miserable that once finals ended in December, I dropped all the school stuff I could. My break was like sitting on the beach, a break from surfing, yet still with the idea of surfing, and it was wonderful. But then when school got ready to start up again all the dread came back. I started to get stressed and depressed again and dreaded going back into that rough surf because I was afraid I might drown in it. Really.

    I was doing zazen before the first day of classes and it hit me: I am no longer a teacher with administrative duties; I am an administrator who teaches. With that insight, that little twist of identity, the proverbial light clicked on and my attitude suddenly changed for the better. By no longer attaching to an identity, my suffering lessened. It’s only been a week now, but I feel much better. I suddenly embrace duties that I resented before. Furthermore, I think I am doing a better job at those duties now that I accept them.

    My point is multifold. I will number them but that does not mean they come in any particular order or that this is any prescription for how to proceed in your Buddhist practice; I only mean to try and explain how it worked for me. First, it was only after I relinquished my identity as one thing that I could begin to accept my identity as another thing. Second, relinquishing my identity was hard work that took a long time but has had wonderful and unexpected rewards, so far. I mean, it took me a year to even recognize what my work identity was. Third, zazen is about dropping identity as self (and everything else) completely, so changing from one to another is not success in any way. Yes, I had a beneficial insight during zazen, but the reason I finally had that insight was about all the process described above, and the insight during zazen was never the point of doing zazen. Fourth, I have found the Path to be sl_o_o_o_o_o_w but always worthwhile and worth pursuing continuously.

    I hope this helps in such a way that you can apply it to your life.
    Last edited by AlanLa; 01-25-2015 at 05:09 AM.
    AL (Jigen) in:
    Faith/Trust
    Courage/Love
    Awareness/Action!

    I sat today

  2. #2
    Thank you for sharing Alan.

    Gassho, Jishin, _/st\_

  3. #3
    Thank you for sharing, Alan.

    I can relate, because I once thought the most important thing was lacking in my job.
    Till I realized that my definition, my own picture how things "should be" had thrown me into a cage.
    I realized that only one component was different, one with advantages and disadvantages, and that that one thing was not that terrible after all.

    In my case (it was months before I met Zen) this process involved writing "pro" and "con" lists (which I find very biased; like the decision is made before writing them).

    So I'm very happy that your experience shows that Zazen can be a powerful (if slow) way to approach situations like this.

    Gassho,
    Danny
    #sattoday

  4. #4
    Hi Alan

    Yes, there is joy to be found when one drops the ego and surfs the waves of life.

    Thank you for this.

    Gassho,

    Kyonin
    #SatToday
    Hondō Kyōnin
    奔道 協忍

  5. #5
    Thank you for sharing, Alan.

    Sattoday
    Thanks,
    Matt
    Thanks,
    Kaishin (開心, Open Heart)
    Please take this layman's words with a grain of salt.

  6. #6
    Joyo
    Guest
    Thank you for sharing, I am happy to read that you are finding peace with your new job situation.

    Would you say that our identity can be based upon what we are doing in the here and now? Nothing to add or take away?

    Gassho,
    Joyo
    sat today

  7. #7
    Thank you for posting--I think I can relate to what you are saying. I went into a new job with certain expectations, and it hasn't been what I thought it would be. It took a couple of months, but I've found ways to be happy in my situation.

    Gassho,
    Meredith

    SatToday

  8. #8
    Al,

    This was more helpful to me than you can imagine; I've been facing similar issues at work lately, and your sharing has made me feel lighter. Thank you!

    Gassho,

    Risho
    -sattoday

  9. #9
    I make no claims on what identity is or is not, Joyo, only that it is fluid and we create it, so why not create it for the better? All along I knew I was the source of my suffering; the greed for a different situation, the anger at the current situation, and the ignorance that continually tossed me in the waves was all mine. But even though I knew that because of my Buddhist study here, it still took a year of practice, of sitting, before I could move on from it. Was it a year well spent? No. Is the practice worthwhile? YES! But be patient with it and yourself.
    AL (Jigen) in:
    Faith/Trust
    Courage/Love
    Awareness/Action!

    I sat today

  10. #10
    Joyo
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by AlanLa View Post
    I make no claims on what identity is or is not, Joyo, only that it is fluid and we create it, so why not create it for the better? All along I knew I was the source of my suffering; the greed for a different situation, the anger at the current situation, and the ignorance that continually tossed me in the waves was all mine. But even though I knew that because of my Buddhist study here, it still took a year of practice, of sitting, before I could move on from it. Was it a year well spent? No. Is the practice worthwhile? YES! But be patient with it and yourself.

    Thank you for sharing, Alan.

    Gassho,
    Joyo
    sat today

  11. #11
    Thank you for sharing Alan.

    I get the impression many people suffer due to an attachment to the way they feel their work should be. I know I have fallen into this trap many times. I work in a call centre and it is not the ideal job to be in but I have found the best days working there are when I have dropped any ideas of how things should be this or that way and the problem becomes much less of an issue. Thanks for posting this, I shall bear it mind when I show up for work tomorrow!

    I also think a lot of pressure exists in society regarding status and this can have negative effects for some who are in positions they would rather not be in. A sense of well being that is based on relation to its position with others is always going to be unstable. Just my opinion on the matter.

    Gassho,

    Simon

    Sat today

  12. #12
    I completely agree, Simon. The reason I posted this, the reason I thought it worth forum consideration, was that i actually chose my situation yet still resented the situation I put myself in. When we don't choose a situation we deem ourselves right to be resentful, but the lesson here for me was that I had little right to be resentful, yet I was. The bottom line is that the more separation we create between where we are and what we are doing there (regardless of how we got there) the more suffering we bring on ourselves. It's that simple, yet so very h-a-r-d-!
    AL (Jigen) in:
    Faith/Trust
    Courage/Love
    Awareness/Action!

    I sat today

  13. #13
    Nindo
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by AlanLa View Post
    ... I had little right to be resentful, yet I was. The bottom line is that the more separation we create between where we are and what we are doing there (regardless of how we got there) the more suffering we bring on ourselves. It's that simple, yet so very h-a-r-d-!
    Totally agree, and thanks for sharing! I am also in the process of digging myself out of resentment & frustration. I took on more responsibility last August, which was not an easy choice but logical as I was "next in line". Overwhelmed by all the decisions I have to make on a daily basis, I now ask myself, how did I get here?? As Simon says, the days when I just do it and don't think about it are the best. I've also started to put my commitment to this role into words in the form of a vow.

    Wishing you well!
    Gassho
    Nindo
    sattoday

  14. #14
    Thank you for this lesson on hitting the reset button in our heads, and how our self-made thoughts, judgments and definitions so make who we are and are flexible.

    Gassho, Jundo

    SatToday

    PS - Al, please post SatToday when posting ... That is one artificial standard we are sticking to!

    http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showt...ore-Forum-Chat
    ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

  15. #15
    Very nicely stated AlanLa... I am so pleased that you seemed to have found a way to "reframe/not reframe" your situation. Excellent point about not looking for insight in zazen...and that not being the goal of zazen. I do think zazen feeds something in our brains that can help with insight, however.

    I too teach at a university and I've finally came to the realization, just this past year in fact, that I am simply not well suited for administrative tasks. I've felt quite down about myself not wanting to take on such duties and feeling like I failed when I made attempts. Finally realized I am a teacher first and foremost. I have a pretty good computer/video production skill set and with online education taking off, I've decided to focus on what I do the best and I am most comfortable doing. I well know how much work such administrative posts can involve and applaud you for your courage. Best of luck!
    Gassho,
    Jisen/BrianW

  16. #16
    Hey Alan,

    Most physicians I know despise admin roles and rather take care of patients. But somebody has to take one for the team and jump on the admin grenade. I am sure your colleagues appreciate your efforts.

    Gassho, Jishin, _/st\_

  17. #17
    Thank you for sharing, Alan, this is very recognizable indeed.

    Gassho

    Ongen / Vincent
    Ongen (音源) - Sound Source

  18. #18
    Thank you for sharing. Honestly, I do not like my job. I can relate to much of what you said. I am still struggling with how to deal with it. It causes me a lot of anxiety and depression. The people are great, but our company is growing so fast, we can not hire people fast enough. We are all over worked and stressed. How I deal with it comes and goes. I try to treat it as Samu and remind myself that I do it for the benefit of my family which helps. Other times, I give in to the depression and anxiety.


    ..sat2day•

  19. #19
    Troy,
    Just a bit of advice, which you probably know already but....if your anxiety and depression become an issue do not hesitate to seek out treatment. Treatment options are not perfect...I well know as I have a PhD in experimental psych, but for some it does help and for some a life saver. I guess I'll do a bit of a soap box statement here for anyone reading the post. Psychology and psychiatry are very...very far away from knowing the exact mechanisms of mental disorders and, hence, far away from solutions. I say this because often we hear in the media such simple explanations for very complex problems. Some people go into treatment and become disappointed...usually in themselves for lack of dramatic improvement. Nevertheless, for some treatment is a life saver...for others it helps them at least "maintain." Lots of personal experience as well. OK off my soapbox.
    Gassho,
    Jisen/BrianW

  20. #20

    Identity transforming/dropping

    Quote Originally Posted by BrianW View Post
    Troy,
    Just a bit of advice, which you probably know already but....if your anxiety and depression become an issue do not hesitate to seek out treatment. Treatment options are not perfect...I well know as I have a PhD in experimental psych, but for some it does help and for some a life saver. I guess I'll do a bit of a soap box statement here for anyone reading the post. Psychology and psychiatry are very...very far away from knowing the exact mechanisms of mental disorders and, hence, far away from solutions. I say this because often we hear in the media such simple explanations for very complex problems. Some people go into treatment and become disappointed...usually in themselves for lack of dramatic improvement. Nevertheless, for some treatment is a life saver...for others it helps them at least "maintain." Lots of personal experience as well. OK off my soapbox.
    Gassho,
    Jisen/BrianW
    Hi Brian,

    Thank you for your comments Yes, I am in the care of a doctor. I was diagnosed with bipolar II by one doctor because I had a manic episode after taking a prescribed antidepressant. Normally, I do not have manic episodes so he diagnosed me with bipolar II. My major battle though has been with chronic depression. I had another doctor diagnose me with dysthymia with regular episodes of major depression. My current doctor does not know so she just says I have a mood disorder, lol! My meds help me maintain, but I am still vulnerable during times of increased stress. In the last few years, I have become better at managing my condition by reaching out for additional help when needed. Also if they know it or not, this Sangha has been healing for me. It really helps to have a listening ear every now and then The practice itself has had great benefits for me as well.


    ..sat2day•
    Last edited by Troy; 01-29-2015 at 08:20 PM.

  21. #21
    Troy,
    Glad to hear Treeleaf is making a difference! Diagnosis can be a real "can of worms" and with the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) there has been even more controversy. All the best and never hesitate to look for support at Treeleaf!
    Gassho,
    Jisen/BrianW

  22. #22
    Thank you Brian!


    ..sat2day•

  23. #23
    Thanks for your insight, Alan. I very much connect with the metaphor of surfing --- surfing the mindstream, surfing circumstances, surfing identity, surfing the energy of my day and of the energy between each person I meet and me. Sweet!
    Surf's UP!!!
    _/\_ Shinzan

    (no where near an ocean)
    sattoday

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