Originally Posted by
Ugrok
Ok, well, as a stubborn guy, i went again tonight. Things were a bit better, but still, it's very hard for me to practice "properly". All the guys and girls around end zazen saying stuff like "wow the energy was great tonight" and "i feel so replenished" ; well, honestly, i just feel like shit, an exhausted one even, ahahah. I even got to the point of doubting if i should practice zazen. Which is stupid cause i practiced every day on my own for the last 3 or 4 years without a problem.
Still there were moments when i could stop fighting. But there were also moments where i thought i was about to die or disappear. A strange thing happened : at the end of the second zazen, i was "letting go", and all of a sudden i almost jumped, i felt like an electric shock from the bottom of my spine to the stop, as if someone scared me suddenly, but no one did, of course. But i said "oh well" and it passed.
All this zendo experience show me that i'm not in as a good mental shape as i thought i was. Frankly, there were times when i thought "damn i did not know i was so fearful and depressed", but at the same time, i was also able to just be with that, sit with that, not fight that, so i'll take this as a "mid success". I am resolved to practice in the zendo until i can be at ease. I want to be at ease in life, so i won't stop going to the zendo til i am okay with it. Don't know if it's the good attitude but that's my plan.