I've been hiding for a year

[threethirty]

Howdy all,

I have been hiding from here for a year. So to explain. I had a terrible experience during Zazen. I saw myself without all of the things we add to make ourselves feel good about ourselves (a clunky sentence I know, it's difficult to explain). It was very troubling and I came away with the all encompassing feeling that "death is too good for you".

Since then every time I try to do Zazen I have a panic attack, and this has become the beginning of a toppling of my entire life. I have since lost my home, my job, and have become incredibly depressed. The only thing I haven't ruined is teaching Kung-Fu, but I have been faking the qigong class I teach because if I get too deep into the meditation I start crying (not a good thing to have happen in front of students).

The reason I have been hiding is I was afraid of the answer to my problem, SIT WITH IT. I know the answer but felt I need to get this off my chest and out in the open. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.



Washu

[Daiyo]

Hi Washu, much metta to you.

If you are suffering from depression and panic attacks, my humble advice would be to first get professional help and resuming practice when the doctors say it's safe.
Getting the right help is accepting you have something to work out. And maybe that's the way you can "sit with it" for now.

This sangha is quite good at supporting people, you will surely find folks willing to help.

[Dosho]

Washu,

I am sorry to hear of your experience. I am only a novice priest so take what I say with many grains of salt! I don't think seeing a doctor is ever a bad idea in these circumstances because, although we are very supportive as Walter mentions, we are not medical professionals and do not claim to be.

I will say that these experiences have happened to a number of people in the sangha and they may have some advice. But even if you are not sitting, there is no reason not to be on the forum. Some need the time away and that is perfectly fine, but I would never want someone to think they need to be off the forum if they are not sitting regularly due to various circumstances.

We are here for you.

Gassho,
Dosho

[Jundo]

I agree with the above two fellows' advice.

Shall we Skype? I will be back in Tokyo at the end of next week, and we can set a time.

Go easy on yourself.

Gassho, Jundo

[Byokan]

Hi Washu,

thank you so much for having the courage to step into the sunlight and speak your truth. Looking into the void can be scary. I have no doubt that you are working your way through this. I hope things will get better soon. Of course, professionals can probably help with the anxiety/depression. Your Sangha is here with you. May this difficult path lead you to a better place.

Gassho
Lisa

[Jundo]

So well spoken, Lisa.

[Ishin]

Hi Washu

My professional advice is see a professional, other than that I wish you much wellness and opportunities to resolve this issue. I have only been here a year and so far no one has asked to see my zazen time punch card. It's true. Dosho still talks to me even when I don't show up to sit!

Metta
Gassho
C

[Mp]

Looking into the void can be scary. I have no doubt that you are working your way through this.

I couldn't agree more. It shows great courage and character, which we know you have Washu. Be kind to yourself and know that awareness is the key to change so you are on the right path. =) We are always here for you!

Gassho
Shingen

[Rich]

Often, emotions are linked to the health of our physical organs, so I would recommend a complete physical exam. Recently I was treated by a doctor of Chinese / acupuncture medicine and feel much better. I was also treated by a western medical doctor and gained a better understanding.

Kind regards. /\

[Tiwala]

Hello,

It can seem like everything is falling apart when you are depressed, but sometimes, it need not really be so. I am taking medication and it has been amazing. My problems are still there, but I can finally easily apply the Buddhist teachings that we follow and has accelerated therapy. I am not suggesting that it may also work for you. I think it also depends on the patient. But just know that there is hope. It may be difficult to see it right now, but you don't have to believe everything you think or feel. Please have faith in that.

Gassho,
Ben

[Taigu]

Everything has been said: for now, the most important bit for you is counseling and seeing a good mental doctor.

take great care of your seemingly broken self

all the best


gassho


Taigu

[Koshin]

We are here for you Washu, please take great care and if you need to share, you know we will listen with no judgements....profesional care is a must if you can afford it somehow, here in my country is a luxury.
Much Metta

Gassho

[Jishin]

I am not a teacher but can see why practicing without guidance from a teacher can be dangerous. Please get professional mental health help.

Gassho, Jishin

[KellyRok]

Washu,

Please know that you are not alone, I've gone through something similar in the last few years. Yes, there is some wonderful advice here. Please don't be afraid to seek out counseling and reach out to us as you are working through this. Just my opinion, but only sit if it feels right to you and only sit for short periods if need be...this helped me ease back into regular practice.

I hope you find some relief. Please rest and take care of yourself.

Gassho,
Jinmei

[Joyo]

Washu, we are always here for you. May you be able to get some professional help. I am getting help from a professional counsellor right now. It was made a huge difference. I hope you can have the same experience, It's ok to lean on others when needed.

Much metta,


Gassho,
Joyo

[Myoku]

Its all being said, just also wanted to wish you all the best Washu,
take care & Gassho
Myoku

[Kyotai]

Here for you my friend. Glad you spoke up.

Gassho, Shawn

[Shohei]

Hi Washu,
Wise words above. I am reaching out to share that I am on a similar ride and following various doctors advice I am now on medication as prescribed, made significant adjustments at work, and it helping.
Sitting is part of the recommended package and I am finding it like opening the door to home. Familiar, comforting but no room for my bullshit. I like that. And yes some one to speak with on professional level is good.
You are not alone, beyond the clouds is always blue sky, beyond blue sky is immeasurable light! (even the darkness is teaming with light...we just have crappy eyesight )

Gassho
Shohei

[Taigu]

Dear Shohei,

So glad to hear about you and your new life. So happy that you had the wisdom and found the strength to seek for help.

take great care of yourself

gassho


Taigu

[Mp]

Dear Shohei,

So glad to hear about you and your new life. So happy that you had the wisdom and found the strength to seek for help.

take great care of yourself

gassho


Taigu

Yes I too am happy to hear you are doing well Shohei. =)

Gassho
Shingen

[Joyo]

Shohei, thank you for the update. Sending you well wishes. Your honesty is very refreshing. Much metta.

Gassho,
Joyo

[Rich]

Shohei, good to hear from you.

Kind regards. /\

[Kaiku]

Much metta to you Washu.

I am someone here to tell you that sometimes professional help is needed, and it can benefit your practice. Accepting any kind of help when it is needed is a very humble awareness of your present moment. I am here if you need anyone to talk to.

Gassho
Bobby