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Any suggestions on how to let go of anger? At this point, all necessary actions on my side - self protection, negotiation, moving on - have been done. I have meditated, worked at Metta, maintained self care practices. The situation might not have been fair, but it is over. And yet, it still takes up far more mental real estate.
Thank you for your suggestions.
Gassho,
Jim
Sat Today/LAH
This is something i struggle with from time to time. For me I try to examine the situation from all aspects and decide if it is worth being angry or not. I don't think there is really any quick fast cure all. Just continue doing what you're doing. My therapist recommends only thinking about the problem for 15 minutes. then move on to something else. Don't ruminate and stew in the bad areas. Try finding activities to take your mind off it. For me I'm a gamer. I get frustrated and go to my "unreality" happy place. What makes you happy?
Dave gassho2
SAT/LAH
Much metta to you.
If you find out let me know! Seriously, out of all of the emotions, anger is the one that lingers the longest. It doesn't work every time, but I often have luck with viewing anger as a product of my ego and exploring why my ego is feeling so attacked in the moment. Also, I've allowed anger to just be in that moment and not feel guilty about feeling anger (acting on it is a different story) because anger is a very natural emotion. Often when I allow it to be it dissipates much more quickly. Apologies for going over the three sentences!
Gassho,
Bokuchō (Josh)
SatToday / LaH
Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk
Hi Jim. If you feel you’ve done everything you could, then general advice is a bit useless here, because the root of your anger needs to be tackled and that has nothing to do with anyone other than yourself. My point is: you need specific advice on specific issues.Quote:
Originally Posted by JimInBC
[emoji1374] SatToday
Hi JimQuote:
Originally Posted by JimInBC
When you.find the way to rid yourself of anger please let me know, then copyright it and make million.of dollars. In all seriosness though what kinda sorta maybe is working for me is two reminders that I have set for a number of times a day. One is 'Be Positive', the other 'Patience'.
I sit something Jundo calls Insta-Zazen throughout the day as well.
These things in addition to my daily Zazen practice are starting to have a beneficial effect but make no mistake, a lot of things still piss me off and take up mental real estate.
Be kind to yourself Jim
Gassho
Onka
Sat today/Got angry at something I read in the news
Hi Jim,Quote:
Originally Posted by JimInBC
You will get some excellent advice here, because most human beings deal with anger sometimes, some folks more than others. Of course, read all the books on anger management, and get counselling from a mental health professional if the anger is becoming so bad that it causes real harm in your life.
The best advice I know is that, first, there is a difference between feeling anger and ACTING in anger. Don't act or speak out of anger if you can help it, and just BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE, focusing on the breath until the urge to act passes. If it does not immediately pass, well, KEEP BREATHING, it eventually will!
Next, learn the difference between feeling angry and grabbing onto, wallowing and stirring up the anger in your mind. Feel the anger like it is just another object in the room to observe, like a stain on the carpet. Let it be, don't fixate on it, and it is not a problem. So, let yourself feel anger as if a spectator in a theatre watching a show, knowing that it will pass. There is a difference between (1) feeling anger and buying into what it is selling (what I used to do always) and (2) feeling anger but developing the space to say to yourself within, "Hey, this is just temporary theatre of the mind, a passing scene, just the mind playing its games, and in a few minutes it will pass and some other emotion will take its place."
Finally, we sit Shikantaza Zazen, letting all the world be all the world, even the parts we find terribly sucky. We demand nothing in sitting but to sit, letting storming emotions just storm like a rainstorm outside. Soon, some light comes peaking through the clouds, rendering them gossamer and less dark.
I am sure other folks will be here with lots of good advice.
Gassho, J
STLah
PS - Here is a little more on anger that may be helpful ...
https://www.treeleaf.org/forums/show...l=1#post257623
Hi Jim,
Intellectually step back and realize that anger is a thought and an emotion, only real as a thought and emotion. Practice being with but not acting out on thoughts and emotions (shikantaza?).
Don't take the mind so seriously.
Best of luck.
Gassho, Jishin, __/stlah\__
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I found it very comforting to be reminded how much I'm not alone in this struggle. And I found your suggestions quite helpful.
Gassho,
Jim
Sat Today
You are not alone; anger is a dear friend of mine hahahaQuote:
Originally Posted by JimInBC
gassho
risho
-stlah
These are some tips and tricks I use:
Ask yourself two questions: 1. Is the anger appropriate for the situation? And 2. Is the anger helpful in any way?
If no to one or both of these questions, then let go of the anger by using compassion (perhaps loving kindness-metta meditation), sympathy (use reason to understand the other person as if they were you) or challenging negative thoughts (some common anger thoughts to challenge are: labeling-calling somebody a name as if that completely represents them and personalizing-blaming someone or something that is beyond your control)
And remember Santideva’s version of “the dichotomy of control” commonly known as the “Serenity prayer”:
If there's a remedy when trouble strikes,
What reason is there for dejection?
And if there is no help for it,
What use is there in being glum?
gassho2
Gassho
Tom
Sat/Lah
gassho2Quote:
Originally Posted by StoBird
Gassho,
Onkai
Sat/lah
For me, honestly it's just something that has gotten easier with time. Realizing that it's not worth holding on to. I don't think I've found any quick fix, I just feel that I've just slowly learned to not hold on to things as much in general. I've definitely found taking a step back from the situation can be helpful. And during the times where I was too caught up in the moment to step back, reflecting back on the situation and going over it in my mind after I'd cooled down helped me to step back the next time the situation came up. Also if it's anger with another person, trying to make an effort to remind myself about what might have led them to do the thing they did that angered me. If I understand why someone did something, it makes it much easier to accept it.
Apologies for going over
gassho1
Evan,
Sat today, lah
HI!
Jundo, and jishin, both hit the mark as far as im concerned.
HATE as much as you want/can. There is a limit.
And then forgive - this is without limit.
FOrgive yourself for whatever, forgive them for ignorance.
Its worked for me, and i hope it works for you too.
(it might take a while!).
-Geoff.
LentAhand
SaT x3.
That is pretty good, and very sound advice. I have heard worse guidance from mindfulness teachers for sure.Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt_
Still a little flavor of trying to use meditation as a tool though, which is a bit of a caution by me. Otherwise, very nice.
Gassho, J
STLah
It does get easier with time and practice... eventually sometime you find yourself in a situation where you would get angry, and suddenly realize “I don’t have to suffer anger over this, I can just get on with life!” And you turn your attention to what’s actually there in front of you instead, letting the anger go like a big red balloon up into the sky.
Gassho
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Jakuden I really like that analogy of letting go of the ballon gassho1
yesterday someone gently tapped the bumper of my car while i was at a stop sign; there was a very minor scratch, no one was hurt, but I felt anger rise up like a flash in a pan; I wasn’t angry over the scratch; I was angry because the driver would not admit anything and played stupid; so in a stern voice i told her Pay Attention and Take Ownership lol
when I settled down in a few minutes I realized she was probably afraid and my own fear of feeling invalidated by being lied to caused my anger. I think a lot of times we are driven by fear and sometimes that fear causes us to put on a suit of armor (to steal a metaphor from Pema Chodron); I think if we can realize people are just like us that anger is not necessarily real; it may just be a habit reaction; I try my best to stay calm and observe and not act from a place of high emotion as that is often times a period of temporary insanity where we are devoid of logic.
This comes back to zazen to not believe our thoughts and that stoic idea of detachment that we have been discussing. I think when I act out of fear or anger it’s to protect something that may not need protecting; I try to ask myself do I want to be right or do what is right, which may not be the same. Anyway easier said then done but I guess that’s why we have the bodhisattva vows and precepts as a compass and a practice to make us painfully aware of how we don’t always act properly hahaha
sorry for going over and typos; typing from an iphone
gassho
risho
-stlah
I drove a company vehicle for years, One of the first things I remember from any driver training sessions was not to admit blame at the scene of an accident. Let the legals work it out. This could have been her reason to remain silent.
gassho, Shokai
stlah
This makes me extremely sad that this is the attitude that companies encourage. Like I understand why they do that in the sense that they hope they can avoid having to pay for any damages, but it still makes me sad.Quote:
Originally Posted by Shokai
gassho1
Evan,
Sat today
Yeah me too - but I can understand it too - people will claim all sorts of fake injuries to get money, etc. I mean civil injury cases in the US don't have any standards in terms of what payouts are linked to types of injuries. If I were unethical, I could get a "shady" doctor (or chiropractor) to sign off on me having severe injuries that are non-existent and just make a killing in terms of the money I'm awarded for even a small bump like this.
This is a similar problem with all the extra costs to doctors who have to pay for malpractice insurance.
Anyway - I don't have a jaded view that everyone is like this but there are people who are like that, which is why we have to have these very strict hands off protocols. It's a crazy saha world. ahahaha
But the most important part is that I'm right - I mean if everyone realized I were right - I wouldn't get angry anymore, so this is everyone else's fault. hahahahaha
Gassho
Risho
-stlah
The Buddha's Law: Seek to be honest. Sit down and keep your mouth shut.Quote:
Originally Posted by Risho
The Civil Law: Keep your mouth shut.
Alas.
Gassho, Jundo (Zen Teacher & J.D., Duke University School of Law, '86)
STLaw
But if I remember, the 11th precept states that I'm always right hahahahah point taken :)
Gassho
Risho
-stlah