A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
20 minute zazen...boom! Whoosh! Gone...
I just sat for the first time in a few days and it occurs to me that I have been hitched to a series of crazy daydreams again. Earlier in the night, I was hitched to some crazy story about not being capable of receiving love, of believing in it. Also hitched to a crazy dream about 'What if I get audited?' (which is odd because I'm conservative in my claims anyway) 'What if I don't get my job extended?' 'What if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm a terrible person?' 'Hell, what if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm an indispensable part of her life?' (and I'm not sure which causes more anxiety, LOL).
And then I sit zazen and the daydreams crash into nothingness. There is no energy to sustain them and they just...fall away.
A glimpse of this is not enough, except right now. Glimpse it again. Glimpse it again. It may take a very long time for these conditioned 'call and response' patterns to dissipate, but they do dissipate over time AND immediately in the moment. Sanity is SO close at hand that you simply have to STOP 'moving' and it's there. When Buddha said we were fettered, he lied for convenience sake. A lie in service of the truth, maybe? But there never are and never have been any fetters nor anyone bound. Stop, listen, and you will see that this is so. But this is not enough (and yet it is)! What good is it to be sane only to commence in being totally batshit crazy again? And yet, that's what we do, until we don't anymore. You can't expend energy to create happiness, peace, or sanity - it's there the moment we stop struggling for it. Stop struggling, it's ok to die. You're going to die anyway. Die right now - right now on the cushion, and then keep dying when you get bow and walk around in the world again.
But still, do your taxes. Kiss your girl. Get to work on time. No difference.
Chet
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirk
Gassho!!
Shohei
ditto..
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Thank you so much Chet and yet, allow me...
Great post, 99,9999999999999999999999999999999% true (in my limited world and opinion)
The will to witness is one of the last obstacles ( third picture, next one but you may have a look)
Put it another way, don't glimpse it but glimpse the one that glimpses it...
The great pitfall is to go to it like we would go to the movies. The ego loves to see its own death. And turns it into another bloody interesting show.
Shoveling snow is the way. Not staying with any glimpse, just doing the work, endlessly. Fun or no fun.
Things do fall away when we sit. Make sure the witness does too.
Thank you for these words about our stupid efforts to generate goodies.
I can't agree more about death, it is okay to die...until one is diagnosed with terminal cancer( not my case, yet).
We are involved in a dying process. It is painful. Resistance is making it even more painful.
Nevertheless, Chet, I DON T WANT TO DIE. Well, people pretending it is okay to die and blablabala, sorry...
Do taxes, kiss your girl, go to work. 100 % with you.
My clumsy take on what you wrote.
Thank you again for your teaching
gassho
taigu
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Oh man, yeah. Feeling this right now.
Waiting to get on my plane right now!
Trying to remain in the moment right now, and not get ahead of myself.
My stomach is all tied up in knots, but it will be all right. Too many thoughts in my stomach.
I keep thinking, this panic is a little box of limited perception, it's not the whole limitless experience.
Regardless, my soul seems to be burning in waves above my head-- volatile-- it's all right you little sucker! I can't burn you up.
Don't like planes/travelling too far :P .
Maybe I'm getting too old. Haha. Just like staying home with my kid and making mashed potatoes.
:evil: :)
Manatee
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taigu
Thank you so much Chet and yet, allow me...
Great post, 99,9999999999999999999999999999999% true (in my limited world and opinion)
The will to witness is one of the last obstacles ( third picture, next one but you may have a look)
Put it another way, don't glimpse it but glimpse the one that glimpses it...
The great pitfall is to go to it like we would go to the movies. The ego loves to see its own death. And turns it into another bloody interesting show.
Shoveling snow is the way. Not staying with any glimpse, just doing the work, endlessly. Fun or no fun.
Things do fall away when we sit. Make sure the witness does too.
Thank you for these words about our stupid efforts to generate goodies.
I can't agree more about death, it is okay to die...until one is diagnosed with terminal cancer( not my case, yet).
We are involved in a dying process. It is painful. Resistance is making it even more painful.
Nevertheless, Chet, I DON T WANT TO DIE. Well, people pretending it is okay to die and blablabala, sorry...
Do taxes, kiss your girl, go to work. 100 % with you.
My clumsy take on what you wrote.
Thank you again for your teaching
gassho
taigu
Yes, well the witness pops up again post-glimpso-facto, I guess. In the thing, there is no thing, and yet, you're not asleep either. I'm not making light of death, I'm saying that if you sit still enough, maybe you're not so sure WHAT is dying.
Chet
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Thanks
gashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhho!
asleep?
awake?
Who?
T.
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Chet, I have got to bed...
Talk to you later.
gassho
Taigu
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Yes, this release/relief is what has gotten my butt on the cushion for the past 3 days. That experience of all the crushing anger and sadness getting lighter, slowly evaporating (though the steady drip of a heavy leak in my roof last night kept me on edge for most of the period... another thing it could not control, the controlling ego scrambling and pacing in its helplessness...)
That said, while a story is just a story, never reality (I've picked up the habit of asking myself, when in the midst of very compelling and agitating thoughts, "Do I really know this? Am I sure this is true? How do I know?"), sometimes the stories we tell point us to parts of our lives that may well indeed need some care. Pushing away, being frightened of love, feeling or being cut off from love... this is a wound that continually re-opens itself, that starves the heart and leaves a person feeling depleted... it is a vital human issue.
Do we need love in our lives to simply survive? No... many people live their lives in a state of isolation, or surrounded by people who do not give or show them love, and they live with that ache, that hurt... but does that mean there is no value in the storyline, "My life is cut off from love, and this is something I should change"? I don't think so. Quite the opposite. What if they changed their lives to be more open to love? Is this not something a bit deeper than many common self-improvement strategies? Something of a different nature than focusing one's life on gaining and improving in wealth and physical beauty?
There are some things in this life that are important, and love is one. Do we need fancy houses, yards, nice cars, to be truly happy? Do we need expensive educations? Do we need to be physically beautiful? Do we need to work jobs that we love? As nice as all these things are, we can be very deeply happy without them. I'm not so sure about love being one of those things we can just shrug off, though.
I was reading Adyashanti last night (The End of Your World), this passage seems appropriate and relevant here:
It is true that, after awakening, the exterior situations and circumstances of life stop having such an ability to throw us off center. But it's also true that, when we awaken, we start to become more conscious of the patterns of behavior in our lives that are not in harmony with what we have realized. If you believe the misperception that enlightenment is only about happiness, bliss, and freedom, you will be motivated to transcend or escape those areas of your life that feel less than fully functional. But sooner or later, as we become more awake, we find that there is more and more pressure to encounter and deal with those areas of our lives that we have been avoiding, where we are less than fully conscious.
I have found that a lot of people become quite afraid when they start to realize where this whole movement of awakening is taking them, that it is taking them into an area where they will be called to be unusually honest and real and come completely out of hiding. This is contrary to the idea of awakening being simply a transcendence of life, the finding of a safe haven in some inner experience where we don't have to deal with life as it is. Awakening is, in fact, quite the opposite: it's a state of being in which we find the capacity to deal with our lives as they actually are. But as I said, many people are afraid to let truth penetrate certain relationships they may be in--be they family or friendships or love relationships or marriages. It can be much more comforting to hide from the truth, to hide from certain patterns of dysfunction that may be present.
...Ultimately, we find that enlightenment--if it's true and real--does not allow us to avoid anything. In fact, the enlightened perspective actually makes it quite difficult, and ultimately impossible, to turn away from any part of our life.
So, after awakening, many people begin to come to grips with certain patterns in their lives that have been less than conscious. Some people may even discover that certain changes in their relationships and the pattern of their lives are necessary. This can be a frightening part of the process, because all of a sudden we are no longer hiding from ourselves... If you do try to hide from something--if you are in a relationship that is dysfunctional or a job that is tremendously unsatisfying, and you choose not to deal with it--the consequence of that denial is that you will not truly be liberated. You won't ever be capable of being fully free, because any area where we choose to remain unconscious will ultimately have an impact upon us, as well as upon others.
...The awakened consciousness moves in particular ways. It does not deny anything. It does not hide; it is not avoiding any part of life. That which we are, that which is fully awake, is also ultimately fully engaged and fearless. It moves the way it moves, out of unconditional love and truthfulness. It is only the fear in the mind--the fear that constructs the illusion of ego--that causes one to recoil from this phase of the spiritual life.
I want to emphasize this. If you avoid those aspects of your life that are not in harmony, those aspects of your life where you may still be in denial, that kind of avoidance is going to hinder your spiritual awakening. In the early stages, it may not have much of an effect. But later, as we get into the more mature opening of realization, there is no more room for denial. This is something that a lot of people don't count on. A lot of us think that somehow enlightenment is going to allow us to avoid dealing with those things in ourselves that we find uncomfortable.
Awakening can be the ground from which we meet every person and situation. It can be the ground from which we relate to all the circumstances of life. But this takes a lot of courage and a lot of fearlessness. It also takes something I continue to emphasize: a very simple sincerity. This kind of sincerity arises from that which loves the truth and sees that the truth is the greatest good.
To be anything less than real, to be in avoidance of anything at all, diminishes our experience of who we are. As I often say to my students, to be less than truthful with the people and situations in your life is to withhold the expression of who you are. In the end, we must come to see that truth itself is the highest good, that truth itself is the greatest expression and manifestation of love. Ultimately, love and truth are identical; they are like two sides of a coin. You can't have truth without love, and you can't have love without truth.
Or, as my friend Dave writes,
at the end of the day
what really matters?
that we hold affection for someone
and that someone holds affection for us,
that we do it when it’s easy and
especially when it’s difficult.
and if we can’t do it
then we turn our passion
onto why we can’t do it until
we can.
and everyone knows this,
we just forgot for a while.
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Gassho Chet; a good reminder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by disastermouse
'What if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm a terrible person?' 'Hell, what if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm an indispensable part of her life?' (and I'm not sure which causes more anxiety, LOL).
Not to be provacative or sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but did you ever consider this before you slept with her instead of after?
I'm have been known to be a bit of a "boy scout" in such matters, so my apologies if that question marks me as a prude. Honestly just wondering.
Gassho,
Dosho
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dosho
Gassho Chet; a good reminder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by disastermouse
'What if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm a terrible person?' 'Hell, what if this girl I just slept with decides that I'm an indispensable part of her life?' (and I'm not sure which causes more anxiety, LOL).
Not to be provacative or sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but did you ever consider this before you slept with her instead of after?
I'm have been known to be a bit of a "boy scout" in such matters, so my apologies if that question marks me as a prude. Honestly just wondering.
Gassho,
Dosho
Dosho!
It has nothing to do with this girl, I think these sorts of things after I sleep with any girl, really. This particular woman is a very nice, warm, and interesting person in her own right.
I'm way beyond sport- .... um... I told Jundo I'd hold back on the f-word. I'm not really up for casual sex for no other reason anymore.
Chet
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taigu
The will to witness is one of the last obstacles ... The great pitfall is to go to it like we would go to the movies. ... Things do fall away when we sit. Make sure the witness does too.
I have a very strong witness. My small breakthrough was to let it be there as much and as long as it wants to. I tell it hi and thanks for being there, like part of the sky, and after a while it does fall away (after just about everything else has).
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Quote:
Originally Posted by scott
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taigu
The will to witness is one of the last obstacles ... The great pitfall is to go to it like we would go to the movies. ... Things do fall away when we sit. Make sure the witness does too.
I have a very strong witness. My small breakthrough was to let it be there as much and as long as it wants to. I tell it hi and thanks for being there, like part of the sky, and after a while it does fall away (after just about everything else has).
Who tells whom and what? What witness where? Where does he live? Sophisticated techniques multiply the cast of characters. Zen is simple business. It sounds like you have two witnesses!
Nah, no witness for me - but there's a voice trying to interpret everything - a clinging, conditioned impulse. Are you 'that'? I listen to it when I need to in order to communicate - but isn't it amazing how repetitious it is?
What am I talking about? I don't know.
Chet
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Quote:
Originally Posted by taigu
Nevertheless, Chet, I DON T WANT TO DIE. Well, people pretending it is okay to die and blablabala, sorry...
Reality doesn't seem to care what we want, does it? I mean, you will die. Today, tomorrow, sometime. Part of me is terrified of that. But on the cushion, where is that part? Is he not already dead? When I look, I cannot find him, when I wish he was not there, he stalks me like a shadow. I will be terrified of death when it is time to be terrified. Maybe before then, but either way, reality does not care.
Lastly, how could it not be okay to die? No one escapes it. To whom should I petition to change that?
Chet
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Quote:
Originally Posted by disastermouse
20 minute zazen...boom! Whoosh! Gone...
What good is it to be sane only to commence in being totally batshit crazy again? And yet, that's what we do, until we don't anymore. You can't expend energy to create happiness, peace, or sanity - it's there the moment we stop struggling for it. Stop struggling, it's ok to die. You're going to die anyway. Die right now - right now on the cushion, and then keep dying when you get bow and walk around in the world again.
But still, do your taxes. Kiss your girl. Get to work on time. No difference.
Chet
The past couple of days has been very difficult for me. I see ignorance in myself and others and the greed and anger it creates. Blame it on the moon. I understand when you say 'stop stuggling, it's ok to die' let it go. The Buddha and his students begged for food. They offered a way of love and acceptance and people responded with love and acceptance. I can work with that.
Re: A glimpse is not enough...and yet..
Thanks Chet.
That friendly reminder really brightened my day... and night.
Kind Regards,
Brian
