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Kokuu
04-03-2019, 12:34 PM
Please leave your haiku here and I will try and give feedback on as many as I can.

silent sitting
my body becomes
the east wind

(published in Blithe Spirit, the journal of the British Haiku Society)

Gassho
Kokuu

Kotei
04-04-2019, 11:15 AM
Hello, visited the garden this morning...

cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate

Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.

Jishin
04-04-2019, 11:22 AM
Chop



Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Jishin
04-04-2019, 11:23 AM
Whiteout



Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Jakuden
04-04-2019, 12:23 PM
Spring breeze
Rumbling truck engine
Filling potholes.

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

Junkyo
04-04-2019, 01:25 PM
Ice rain falls

Cold winds blow

Northern spring


Gassho,

Junkyo
SAT

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Kokuu
04-04-2019, 03:44 PM
cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate

Lovely! If it were up to me I might change the last line to 'mating toads' but there is a lovely comparison of ripples going forward and the future consequences of mating.

Chop

Hmmm.


Whiteout

There is actually a classic modern haiku which is the word tundra in the centre of a white page. This is similar.

One word haiku are the poetic equivalent of the all white canvas - novel once but quickly pale on repetition.


Spring breeze
Rumbling truck engine
Filling potholes

I like this! Mostly all lines are best started in lower case and fills might keep it in the present moment better than filling. 'ing' words tend to be used only once in a haiku. But, again, there is a lovely connection between the rumble of the truck and the breeze.

A suggested version:

spring breeze
a rumbling truck
fills potholes

Kokuu
04-04-2019, 03:46 PM
Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring

Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!

Jishin
04-04-2019, 03:49 PM
I like:



Thunder



Or



Sunrise




Interesting, powerful, speak a thousand words with brevity. They work quite well if the reader knows what they are reading is a haiku like in this thread. In every day use they are not haikus.


My 2 cents.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Horin
04-04-2019, 04:09 PM
plum blossoms in spring
dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
the geese move to the south

Jakuden
04-04-2019, 04:26 PM
spring breeze
a rumbling truck
fills potholes

[claps]gassho1

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH

Jishin
04-04-2019, 04:55 PM
Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring

Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!

I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

rain

winds

northern spring

There is the set up and powerful punch line. Much simpler and effective but that’s just me.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Kotei
04-04-2019, 05:58 PM
cherry blossom rain
ripples in the pond
the toads mate

Lovely! If it were up to me I might change the last line to 'mating toads' but there is a lovely comparison of ripples going forward and the future consequences of mating.

Thank you, I'll go with the suggested 'mating toads', I like the simplicity and sound and the image is still working for me.
Passing away and becoming, meeting in the ripples in the pond... wave and ocean...
Gassho,
Kotei sat/lah today.

Junkyo
04-04-2019, 06:08 PM
Ice rain falls
Cold winds blow
Northern spring

Lovely! As with Jakuden, lower case beginning each line is more traditional. Simple but effective!Thank you for the lesson!

Gassho,

Junkyo
Sat
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Junkyo
04-04-2019, 06:10 PM
I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

rain

winds

northern spring

There is the set up and powerful punch line. Much simpler and effective but that’s just me.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_Hi Jishin!

I like this too! I have always been told I tend to be too wordy! Perhaps something to think about haha.

Gassho,

Junkyo
Sat

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Jishin
04-04-2019, 06:15 PM
Hi Jishin!

I like this too! I have always been told I tend to be too wordy! Perhaps something to think about haha.

Gassho,

Junkyo
Sat

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I Ike brevity. All dogmas fall over time. Haikus are no exception. A haiku is what you say it is. But that’s just me.

[emoji2]

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

Shinshi
04-04-2019, 11:51 PM
hawks on the wing
in a spring breeze
old leaves stir and dance

Kokuu
04-05-2019, 10:10 AM
I am not the expert by any means. But rain always fall, winds always blow and there always is spring in the north.

rain
winds
northern spring

Yes, this works too. Brevity is punchy but it doesn't mean it is always best.

I generally write and then strip out anything unnecessary but it is a matter of opinion what is necessary and what is unnecessary.

Kokuu
04-05-2019, 10:14 AM
I like:

Thunder

Or

Sunrise

The problem here is that there is no dynamic tension as there is between two parts of a good haiku.

It is great to consider the impact and meaning of a single word but it isn't really a haiku. 'tundra' on a blank page works because of the interplay between the word and the space. Thunder and sunrise do not do that.

I would put into the category of fun to play with as are single colour canvasses, but paling with repetition.

Kokuu
04-05-2019, 10:21 AM
plum blossoms in spring
dancing leafs drop in autumn wind
the geese move to the south

This might be a little wordy, Hishiryo.

Firstly, you don't need spring in addition to plum blossom as that already sets the season as spring.

Also, a haiku is generally set in one moment in time and place, so usually one season. There are exceptions though.

Putting this in autumn it would be best just with the last part:

leaves dance
on the wind
departing geese

Kokuu
04-05-2019, 10:23 AM
hawks on the wing
in a spring breeze
old leaves stir and dance

I really like the idea! Maybe a bit briefer and make the connection clear?

hawk on the wing
last year's leaves
live again

Horin
04-05-2019, 10:26 AM
This might be a little wordy, Hishiryo.

Firstly, you don't need spring in addition to plum blossom as that already sets the season as spring.

Also, a haiku is generally set in one moment in time and place, so usually one season. There are exceptions though.

Putting this in autumn it would be best just with the last part:

leaves dance
on the wind
departing geeseThank you for that response, Kokuu - i understand :-)

Gassho,
Ben

St

Jishin
04-05-2019, 04:30 PM
The problem here is that there is no dynamic tension as there is between two parts of a good haiku.

It is great to consider the impact and meaning of a single word but it isn't really a haiku. 'tundra' on a blank page works because of the interplay between the word and the space. Thunder and sunrise do not do that.

I would put into the category of fun to play with as are single colour canvasses, but paling with repetition.


thunder

This is a great haiku and this is why:

the before and after silence of thunder is not the same.

sleeping silence

thunder

startled awake silence

The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.

Same goes for the next haiku:


Sunrise


There is dark and bright light before and after sunrise. The punchline is "Sunrise" and the "aha" moment is the light that comes afterwards. Another great haiku. There is also mention of time/season.

Creativity is fun and a haiku is a haiku when someone calls it a haiku.

My 2 cents.

Gassho, Jishin, ST

Shinshi
04-05-2019, 06:13 PM
I really like the idea! Maybe a bit briefer and make the connection clear?

hawk on the wing
last year's leaves
live again

Thank you for the feedback Kokuu.

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

Mitka
04-06-2019, 03:15 AM
Off-the-cuff haiku after zazenkai, please be nice [morehappy].

plodding thoughts
shadow and incense smoke
the watcher watches

Gassho,
Mitka
Sat

Teiro
04-06-2019, 12:43 PM
I have not the faintest idea about haikus, but I try it anyway. :)

red-dressed sun flows
into star-sprinkled night
I sleep

Gassho
Teiro

Sat

Geika
04-08-2019, 03:36 AM
Moonlight cuts rivers
Out of dark slopes on the ground
Bright and stark like ice

Sat today, lah

Kokuu
04-08-2019, 04:33 PM
Moonlight cuts rivers
Out of dark slopes on the ground
Bright and stark like ice

Lovely, Geika, but no need to stick to 5-7-5 syllables.

red-dressed sun flows
into star-sprinkled night
I sleep

Sometimes not knowing is the best! Very good effort!

plodding thoughts
shadow and incense smoke
the watcher watches

Is good, Mitka! I wonder if 'rising thoughts' might be even stronger to convey the relationship between the thoughts and incense?

Kokuu
04-08-2019, 04:37 PM
The silences are very different and provide the tension for a good haiku. "thunder" is the punch line and the second silence with the "aha" moment. Unenlightened vs enlightened silence. There is also mention of season.

I agree but not sure the reader will get that. However, you could express it...

thunder
the silence before
and after

If haiku were just one word I doubt they would have survived for so long and spread to so many different countries and cultures. We need something more to say what it was about *that* thunder and your reaction to it that makes it different from any other moment of thunder. What was it about *that* particular sunrise.

The interest is in the specificity rather than generality.

Gassho
Kokuu

Jishin
04-08-2019, 05:16 PM
thunder
the silence before
and after



This is a very nice Haiku Kokuu. I agree with what you say about Haikus.

Gassho, Jishin, ST

Gero
04-08-2019, 05:27 PM
to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
I retrace my steps over the bridge
as the brook giggles at my retreat

Actually this (almost) happened to me 90 minutes ago while walking our dog. When I crossed a tiny bridge over a minor brook, the way led me along the banks which are just plastered with blooming cherry trees. The fragrance got so overpowering that I really considered to flee that intensity.

Gassho
Gero

(sat)

Teiro
04-09-2019, 07:59 AM
Thanks a lot for your kind feedback, Kokuu. gassho1

But surely there are some rules for Haiku I should know about, like the 5-7-5 syllable thing I just’ve read about on Wikipedia.
Do you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?

Oops... I just’ve found your introductions on how to write Haiku... :reading:
Thanks for the teaching, Kokuu.

Gassho
Teiro

Sat/Lah

Geika
04-09-2019, 06:16 PM
Thank you, Kokuu

Gassho, sat today, lah

Kyoshin
04-10-2019, 03:03 AM
winter
in Saigon
summer heat
Gassho
Nick
Satlah



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Jakuden
04-10-2019, 12:07 PM
corn field stubble
sharp eyes find gold
wild turkey strut

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday/LAH


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Junkyo
04-10-2019, 03:23 PM
foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity

Gassho,
Junkyo
SAT

Hoseki
04-11-2019, 06:43 PM
meeting a fan -
he greets them with
blood stained hands

gassho
Hoseki
Sattoday

mateus.baldin
04-14-2019, 07:41 PM
sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado

In Portuguese (original):
pardal ao sol
carcará voando
outono no cerrado


I tried to convey the feeling of impermanence and fragility of life linking the approach of the carcará to the coming of autumns, witch represents the beginning of the dry season in the Brazilian Cerrado, from middle autumn (April) to middle spring (November). I don't know how to translate carcará (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_crested_caracara) in English, so I translated as hawk, but its not the same species and hawk don't convey the same feeling (caracarás are know to be resistantand adaptable as they prey and eat any kind of animal, prospering during the dry season that treatens other animals). As both the sparrow and the carcará are not seasonal birds, I used the autumn to convey the seasonal feeling.
Hope it makes some sense as a haiku.

Gassho,
Mateus
Sat today

Kokuu
04-15-2019, 11:37 AM
to escape massive clouds of cherry blossom fragrance
I retrace my steps over the bridge
as the brook giggles at my retreat

Woah! Some great images in there, Gero, but is getting awful big for a haiku! Try to pick two parts and work with that.
For example...

cherry blossom
I retrace my steps
over the bridge

winter
in Saigon
summer heat

Lovely, Nick. You might want to consider using another word other than summer to describe the heat but it works well anyway.

Kokuu
04-15-2019, 11:42 AM
corn field stubble
sharp eyes find gold
wild turkey strut

I like the images, Jakuden, but it sounds a bit stilted. One part should be a fragment and the phrase part read like a sentence. Otherwise we get three rather choppy lines.
For example...

wild turkey strut
sharp eyes find gold
among the stubble

foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity

As with Jakuden, the images are there but the poem feels rather choppy. Are the sunlight beams from a car or the sun?
The second part needs to feel more like a sentence.
E.g.

foggy street
beams of sunlight
clear the road

That may not be quite what you wanted to say so experiment yourself.

Junkyo
04-15-2019, 11:47 AM
I like the images, Jakuden, but it sounds a bit stilted. One part should be a fragment and the phrase part read like a sentence. Otherwise we get three rather choppy lines.
For example...

wild turkey strut
sharp eyes find gold
among the stubble

foggy street
sunlight beams
roadside clarity

As with Jakuden, the images are there but the poem feels rather choppy. Are the sunlight beams from a car or the sun?
The second part needs to feel more like a sentence.
E.g.

foggy street
beams of sunlight
clear the road

That may not be quite what you wanted to say so experiment yourself.Hi Kokuu,

Foggy street

Sunlight beams

Roadside clarity

Was mine Haha. I think you joined two separate posts!

The idea in mine was to relate a foggy street to a mind that was obscured by the defilements, the sunlight beams are alluding to wisdom, and of course roadside clarity is allegory to enlightenment.

Gassho,

Junkyo
SAT

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Kokuu
04-15-2019, 11:52 AM
meeting a fan -
he greets them with
blood stained hands

Dark! But a good haiku, or at least senryu (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senry%C5%AB) (senryu is the term given to haiku which are more focussed on human behaviour and quirks rather than nature and lacking a season word).

sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado

It does make sense, Mateus. Thank you. And yes, often hard to translate animals into something English.

All of the elements are there but it doesn't quite flow as a poem yet. Perhaps there needs to be a linkage between hawk and sparrow, even if it is implicit?

a hawk and sparrow
share the sun
cerrado autumn

cerrado autumn
hawk eyes pick out
a sunlit sparrow

Just ideas! A lovely glimpse into your natural world, which is one of the joys of haiku!

Kokuu
04-15-2019, 11:55 AM
Do you have any suggestions where I can find some kind of “how-to” for Haiku?

Hi Teiro

Yes, I left some instructions and hopefully made clear about the 5-7-5 aspect.

This is also a good guide for haiku writing: https://ahapoetry.com/Bare%20Bones/bbtoc%20intro.html

Gassho
Kokuu

mateus.baldin
04-16-2019, 03:20 PM
sparrow in the sun
flying hawk
autumn in the cerrado

It does make sense, Mateus. Thank you. And yes, often hard to translate animals into something English.

All of the elements are there but it doesn't quite flow as a poem yet. Perhaps there needs to be a linkage between hawk and sparrow, even if it is implicit?

a hawk and sparrow
share the sun
cerrado autumn

cerrado autumn
hawk eyes pick out
a sunlit sparrow

Just ideas! A lovely glimpse into your natural world, which is one of the joys of haiku!

Thank you, Kokuu. I can see the lack of linkage between the hawk and the sparrow. I like your versions better.

This was a scene I saw while going to work. I’ll try to be more attentive to let other haiku find my mind.
Gassho,
Mateus
Sat/LAH

Kyoshin
04-20-2019, 12:50 PM
Thanks for the feedback, Kokuu!

Gassho
Nick
Satlah

Teiro
05-19-2019, 06:03 AM
Thank you, Kokuu!

I feel somewhat restricted with the 5-7-5 approach. But as far as I understand it, it is not the only way to write Haiku -especially not in English.

So here is an other try. It came to me during a morning walk and it probably doesn’t qualify as a Haiku ;)

woodpecker pecking, cuckoo in the distance
dappled green sun light shades of blue
heart beats

Gassho
Teiro

Sat

Gero
05-25-2019, 08:50 PM
Thank you, Kokuu!

I feel somewhat restricted with the 5-7-5 approach. But as far as I understand it, it is not the only way to write Haiku -especially not in English.

So here is an other try. It came to me during a morning walk and it probably doesn’t qualify as a Haiku ;)

woodpecker pecking, cuckoo in the distance
dappled green sun light shades of blue
heart beats

Gassho
Teiro

Sat

Wow! I do not feel qualified to rate any haiku, but this one immediately spoke to me. So tranquil images yet really moving. [gassholook]

Teiro
05-26-2019, 08:41 AM
Thank you, Gero, for your kind words. gassho1

Wow! I do not feel qualified to rate any haiku, but this one immediately spoke to me. So tranquil images yet really moving. [gassholook]

Gassho
Teiro
Sat

Kokuu
06-03-2019, 11:29 AM
Hi Teiro!

Generally, when people write haiku in western languages they use less then 5-7-5 syllables since Japanese sound units are shorter than our syllables. We also try to use only two images in one poem, although there may be exceptions.

If you want to write longer poems, that is fine. You do not have to be restricted to haiku. In Japanese culture, you may want to look at tanka (http://tankaonline.com/Quick%20Start%20Guide.htm) which take the form of five lines and 5-7-5-7-7 sound units. As for haiku, western languages tend to go with less.

You have some great images in your poem and could easily make two haiku! For example:

dappled green sun
a woodpecker pecking
heart beats

cuckoo
in the distance
light shades of blue


If you wish to see some German language haiku to see how things are done in what I am assuming is your native language, I would recommend the journal Chrysanthemum: http://www.chrysanthemum-haiku.net/de/current-issue.html

Gassho
Kokuu
-sattoday-

Teiro
06-03-2019, 02:19 PM
Thank you Kokuu for your good advice. I will check out Chrysanthemum. However, I actually feel much more comfortable writing in English - but I have absolutely no idea why that’s so.... It just is. :)

Gassho
Teiro

Who will sit tonight

Tai Shi
06-13-2019, 08:16 AM
Morning news sweeps day
As I linger in my cave,
No gift above, nothing saved,

Day unfolds in blue
Sky with information done
In print black as rave,

I wander pages
With my hand so strong and weak
Morning news again is grave.

Tai Shi
sat/lah
Gassho
My poem

"June 13
Directly it is said that not a single thing exists, and yet we
see the entire universe nothing has ever been hidden."
ed. by Josh Bartok

Getchi
06-15-2019, 10:37 PM
The dog barks,
possum hears it,
Home again.

One fat crow,
one dead branch
the chicks are due!!!



Gassho,
GEoff.
SAtToday
LaH.

Heiso
06-19-2019, 09:33 AM
summer rain
indoor ants
waiting

Shinshi
06-26-2019, 06:34 PM
Summer breeze rustling through trees
Song sparrow sings.
Never the same note twice

Gassho, Shinshi

SaT-LaH

Onka
07-15-2019, 08:12 AM
This is my first attempt at a Haiku. It was inspired by an experience I had yesterday while sitting Zazen on the bank of our bottom dam amongst a Dry Eucalypt Forest.

Azure Kingfisher
Piercing water interrupts
Zazen is transformed


Gassho
Anna

Sat today

Geika
07-15-2019, 10:30 PM
Lovely, Anna

Gassho

Sat today, lah

Rob H
07-16-2019, 06:17 AM
Sitting in zazen
Thoughts and feelings drift away
At one with Nature.

Gassho.
Rob.

ST

Kotei
07-25-2019, 08:36 AM
pond and cloud and sky
dragonfly
fly, dragon - fly

Gassho
Kotei
sat

Onka
07-27-2019, 11:21 PM
Attempt No.2

Wabi-sabi Self
Zazen practice diligence
Brings peace to the world


Gassho
Anna

Sat today

krissydear
07-29-2019, 06:43 AM
first time as well. these are all lovely. here is my try:


evening zazen
sitting together, now
many will be (n)one



[gassholook]
thank you for your time
gassho
krissy

Shugen
08-06-2019, 03:30 AM
first time as well. these are all lovely. here is my try:


evening zazen
sitting together, now
many will be (n)one



[gassholook]
thank you for your time
gassho
krissy

:)

Tai Shi
08-06-2019, 02:07 PM
Young finch batters gold
Against window's bird in fear,
Renouncing bright sun.

Tai Shi
sat/lah
Gassho

Tai Shi
09-24-2019, 09:40 PM
Morning stomach fill
With grain, milk, yogurt—fine juice!
Nourishing self, and fine mind,

Sit quietly before White
Buddha? Purity, Wisdom
Body breath quiet

We will fill sixth mind,
Mindfulness wisdom gone
Before, with knowledge!

Tai Shi
sat
Gassho


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Heiso
09-25-2019, 03:15 PM
A packed carriage
confused faces
London in the rain

Heiso
09-28-2019, 10:32 AM
Garden spider
Seeking cover
Late September.

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Heiso
01-13-2020, 07:49 PM
Chanting sutras
Robe on head
Fancy a sandwich?

- my wife came into the room mid jukai ceremony to ask if I wanted a sandwich, she didn't bat an eyelid that I was gasshoing and chanting or taking precepts
. I could then hear her swearing in the kitchen trying to open a pickle jar. I found the juxtaposition amusing.

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Onka
01-14-2020, 12:52 AM
Haha! Brilliant!