What advice do you give for someone suffering

[shikantazen]

There is a very close friend of mine who recently got into a fight with an aggressive neighbor. My friend is really timid in nature and she feels threatened by this aggressive neighbor (who is also a woman). My friend is disturbed over this and keeps on thinking about this issue. She becomes paranoid that the neighbor might do something to her.

I suggested her to try Zazen. Her answer was "You have been doing meditation for a while but I am not sure if it changed you much". I really didn't know what to say, other than to say that meditation helps.

But when I think about it, most of us come to spirituality and buddhism in search of finding a solution to our suffering. When people come to us with their problem and we have to advise them; Asking people to meditate seems to be a rather not so useful advice to me. Sit for many years and then you might be able to deal with your suffering better? I myself am not convinced. How will I be able to convince others?

What would be your advice to someone who is suffering (mainly because of people issues or their inability to deal with life in general; Let us not consider personal loss/death or other kinds here).

Gassho,
Sam

[Ernstguitar]

Dear Sam,


I suggested her to try Zazen. Her answer was "You have been doing meditation for a while but I am not sure if it changed you much". I really didn't know what to say, other than to say that meditation helps.

I think, that you can do what every person would do. It sounds hard, but the world stays the same if I do zazen or not. I do not believe, that meditation is a point I would suggest ( if she/he is not asking), but how about the police? Or in my case I offered my neighbor to visit him a little more often. If it is a real problem.
And sometimes I explain the thing with the mind-theater. How we build our opinions and our whole map of the world. And then I can easily add my personal view: "You can choose another inscination. If you do not like the theater-scene you can change it. Is is not a real life thing."
That would be my advice to a friend or family-member.

Maybe it is something you can use?

Gassho
Ernst

[Jishin]

Hi Sam,

I would say to your friend "How can I help?"

Gassho, Jishin

[Mp]

Hi Sam,

I would say to your friend "How can I help?"

Gassho, Jishin

Wonderful Jishin! Sometimes all that is needed is an listening ear and a open heart. =)

Gassho
Shingen

[Yugen]

I'm with Jishin and Shingen - a non anxious presence and being willing to listen is helpful. Beyond that I think getting into a debate regarding the usefulness of zazen to this situation may be a distraction. If people choose to give zazen a try it is because we are its manifestation (the open heart as Shingen says so well) - they come to it, it doesn't come to them.

My opinion only.

Thank you for caring for your friend.

Deep bows
Yugen

[Jundo]

As all have so wisely said ...

Zazen will not help with an aggressive neighbor.

It may help us accept and allow the reality of the aggressive neighbor, dropping the resistance just as Suzuki turns noise into sound

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showthread.php?12815-Zazen-Logistics&p=140075&viewfull=1#post140075

... but we may also have to deal with the problem beyond that, much as the monks of Tassajara did not merely "accept" the fire, but also took steps to prevent its spread ...

http://www.amazon.com/Fire-Monks-Mind-Meets-Wildfire/dp/0143121375

Buddhism counsels a peaceful, non-violent response free of anger ... but we still may need to make a response.

That can range from the police to a lawyer to getting some large friend to tell the person to lay off to just standing up for herself.

Perhaps the aggressive neighbor just needs a friend herself ... and a couple of beers or a cup of coffee will turn enemies into friends! It happens quite alot.

As was said, your role should be as a good friend, a listener. Perhaps you can suggest some course of action here or there, such as the options above.

But Zazen will not quiet the noisy or aggressive neighbor ... only allow one to find the Silence amid the noisy, the Peace at the heart of Aggression.

Gassho, J

[shikantazen]

Thanks Jundo and all for your replies

Gassho,
Sam

[Tai Shi]

I keep looking for an Easy solution, and I think non-violence takes action, and that is the friend approach. However, the violence might not be stopped without you taking the first step. Friendship takes observation and care, and perhaps not a beer, maybe talk and some time together, and for sure to break the cycle of violence takes work. Generosity, by being careful and truly giving something of value, will show that you actually invest of yourself. Generosity and friendship are not concepts, but giving freely of the self. I believe that is a person is violent even a little, something bigger is going on. Meditation can help the person mediating to better help the other with generosity and compassion.

[Tai Shi]

Thanks Jundo and today I really hurt, so tomorrow, maybe something better, but we can only hope.

[Nengyo]

I suggested her to try Zazen. Her answer was "You have been doing meditation for a while but I am not sure if it changed you much". I really didn't know what to say, other than to say that meditation helps.

Gassho,
Sam

I would have suggested Brazilian jujitsu and muay thai kickboxing. The boost in confidence from the knowledge of how to defend yourself often is enough to make aggressive people stand down.