Saijun and Jundo have heard me go on about my terror of the Rakusu....but I have so much fear of failure in so many aspects of this path even though the practice itself is constant failure (Shikantaza). I know this, but...
I used to always hold two jobs because I was afraid I'd lose one. Part of the reason I didn't really join a Sangha before now is that I was terrified of having a meltdown like what happened last year with Jundo and Taigu. Their accepting me back has gone a long way toward alleviating my fear - and of course, I'm stuck, because I can't ever not be on this path. Similarly, I've come to see that teachers and a Sangha are indispensable - one cannot easily remove his own barriers.
Sitting Shikantaza comes so naturally to me. Everything else brings up persistent fears of humiliation and rejection. I've seen that my path has been one of constant failure, and that each failure has been a gift, but I dread it nonetheless.
I just needed to put this out there because I don't want to present an air of confidence that I don't actually possess.