Ever since I read The Three Pillars of Zen last year, something in the afterword by Bodhin Kjolhede has stuck with me:

One hindrance Westerners face [. . . ] is one that other teachers and I have come to see through years of close work with many students: a tendency, seemingly most pronounced in Americans, toward negative self-judgment. One American Buddhist teacher has referred to it as "self-hatred," another as "the inner critical voice." It is not just a sense of lack, or an awareness of one's faults, but an abiding conviction, deep inside, that there is something wrong with oneself. The self-excavation process of serious meditation will expose it eventually, but in the intimacy of dokusan it is often revealed to the teacher before the student sees it.

This core sense of unworthiness would seem to be an outgrowth of our Western notion of the autonomous self (in discussions at East-West conferences, Asian teachers have been unable to grasp what we mean by it). It can be seen as the underside of the American celebration of self, or even the shadow cast by our Judeo-Christian God-concept. It may be masked by grandiosity or self-confidence, but peel away enough layers and, more often than not, there it is. (emphasis mine)

I find this very interesting as a Westerner who has been struggling with feelings of dissatisfaction in myself since the age of thirteen. (I was going to say "self-hatred" . . . that might have been the correct term to describe one period in my life, but not so much these days.) Is it really true that this kind of thing is not felt or understood in the East? Frankly, I can't imagine living without some fundamental nagging voice convincing me that everything I do, wear, say, accomplish, choose is wrong or lacking or could be better. I do mean everything, from something as major as a career choice to something as stupid as gaining three pounds. And I know, before someone else says it: What me? What self? I am better than I have ever been at recognizing the absurdity of it but even so, I am still a product of my culture and times; I find these old feelings and thought patterns difficult to conquer.

Anybody have any thoughts or experiences?

Gassho,

Jennifer