I did my first zazen since mid September finally returning to my breathing. I decided to start form scratch. the perfectionist OCD sufferer in me at my most analytical. I discovered that I can't obtain and hold the Burmese position due to an arthritic knee. I can sit on my stool or the entry way bench. The bench faces a sky blue wall. the perfect background for all the clouds rolling by!
I also discovered that due to weight gain I can not rest my wrist on my thigh and bring my hands together in the Mudra. Is it better to form each hand into o1/2 of the posture and let them not touch or should i do something else with them? And yes, the entire 20 minutes was filled with this kind of meaningless stuff.
I don't mind the stool I like the bench. The bench has my back to a wall so I maintain a straight back. The wall and the bench are concessions to the obsessive need to be right at doing something that has no "right" way. I know that. I try to control it bit, I felt it was a step in the right direction just to be on the bench.
what I realize is that I need affirmation. I need to know that I am doing it right. my obsessiveness does not include the prospect of "failure" it is too hard to face. At least, I have come to recognize the futility of perfection, its a goal that can't be obtained and shouldn't be that easy, not as easy as breathing.
I intend to sit on my stool or bench and rest my wrist on my inner upper thigh, each hand forming 1/2 half of a large not touching mudra. At least until someone tells me i'm wrong.