What should a/your Buddhist funeral be like?

[Hans]

Hello Folks,

with me undergoing a hospice volunteer training course (three hours each week), a lot of questions regarding death, dying and loss come up naturally these days. Last week a wonderful old cat died in my arms that had only found its way to our kitchen a few weeks earlier. I had her cremated, the ashes arrived in the post yesterday. A friend’s mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer a few weeks ago. And the wheel of time turns ?

I am currently reading a book on „Death and the Afterlife in Japanese Buddhism" as part of my Ango practice. It is truly fascinating how much approaches and rituals have changed over the past thousand years. Which leads me to the question of this thread.

What should an ideal Zen „buddhist“ funeral be like? Any favourite texts, sutras, rituals (posthumous ordination....someone putting a coin under your tongue). Any fantasies out there?

"I don't care cause I'm gonna be dead." is a very valid zenny answer. But funerals have never been exclusively about the dead IMHO.

Personally I just know that I do find the Heart Sutra to be ideally suited to any kind of funeral-ritual, due to its addressing the natur of non-birth and non-death in such a straightforward manner.

Thank you for your input.


Gassho,

Hans

[Jika]

Taking this up after a long time, while still chewing on the "Caring Alert" and everything I left unattended.

I agree that a funeral is for the ones left behind, but often they are asked (or asking themselves) what the deceased would have wanted.

Like, when my grandma died, the family bought the traditional oak coffin everyone found ugly, but all agreed that she would have liked it, and it would have been important to her that her elderly neighbours saw her having such a good coffin.

So, saying "do whatever helps you most" is very good, but having a personal request as a guideline might be helpful too?
I've read somewhere that people light incense sticks on Buddhist funerals.
Maybe it would be an idea (for me) to ask people to light candles, lighting one candle on the neighbours candle, like it is done in catholic churches on Easter?
This wouldn't be a very foreign ritual, and I've always liked candle offerings (without being Catholic).

Please, should any of you wish to share their experiences and thoughts on this topic now or later, it would be helpful.
Thank you,
Gassho,
Danny
#sattoday

[Meredith]

My personal preference would be for my body to be donated to science and have a Buddhist memorial service/ritual but: I don't have any offline Buddhist friends, and my family is exclusively Christian, so I doubt such a service would be comforting, let alone well-attended :-) I won't be around, so ultimately it wouldn't matter, but honestly, I'm not sure what compromise could be made. *shrug*

Gassho

Sat Today

[Kyotai]

My personal preference would be for my body to be donated to science and have a Buddhist memorial service/ritual but: I don't have any offline Buddhist friends, and my family is exclusively Christian, so I doubt such a service would be comforting, let alone well-attended :-) I won't be around, so ultimately it wouldn't matter, but honestly, I'm not sure what compromise could be made. *shrug*

Gassho

Sat Today

Im in a similar situation. Whatever the family is comfortable with would be fine with me.

Gassho, Kyotai
Sat today

[Meishin]

My wife and I have discussed our wishes regarding dying and death at length with our (grown) children. We have arranged to have our bodies donated to a nearby medical school. But we've left up to the kids how they want to celebrate the memories of our life together. I don't know, but I'd guess there will be a party with wine and music and outrageous stories. Wish like Huck Finn I could be there.

Gassho
Meishin
Sat today

[Jundo]

My niece asked me just last week to describe my funeral for some paper she is writing for college. I will post it here. When the time comes, guys, please sit ... followed by that party!

Although I was born Jewish, I was ordained as a Zen Buddhist Priest many years ago. Some Buddhists believe in rebirth but, even so, the human body of flesh is not so important. In Asia, most Buddhists will cremate, although some will bury (and some, like many Tibetans, will feed the body to birds or fish!). In my case, I am not much interested in whether there is or is not some future rebirth, and tend to believe that how we live now, in this present life with care and gentleness, is most important. The body is not important.

So, I am happy to be an organ donor or to leave my body for medical research. In the future, I will not need it any more. I have told my wife that I require no elaborate funeral, and she should just have a party where people play nice music, tell stories, have a drink (in moderation), laugh and remember the times together. Laugh a lot. I have a Buddhist group online around the world (treeleaf.org), so please let them know and tell them to “sit Zazen” (Buddhist meditation). Under no circumstance, have a big, elaborate funeral where a hall is rented, a priest of some sort is summoned and a lot of money is needed. Donate money from guests to charity to help needy people. If donation of my body to science cannot be arranged, then please find the cheapest cremation possible (cremation may be required by law here in Japan, where I live). After that, toss half of my ashes under the trees in the back yard, half on a big mountain (Tsukuba mountain) that can be seen overlooking our town. Maybe think of me sometimes when you see the trees and mountain.

But really (it is illegal, so it is not going to happen of course), I would not care if they left me out for the trash pickup with the old refrigerators and broken furniture. What is most important is how we live now, the kindness we do in this world.

Gassho, J

[MikeTango]

Thank you so much Jundo for sharing these personal thoughts with us.
I have never reflected about it, but I think now that I would like something like this. Changing the mountains for the sea, I agree with the rest.
Gassho
#Sat Today
Miguel

[Joyo]

Jundo, thank you for sharing. It made a lump in my throat though.

I've discussed my wishes with my husband, in case he outlives me. (to which he always replies that he plans on outliving me lol!!) Something very simple, with no church or pastor involved (both of our families are very strict Christian and we've both agreed we do not want a Christian funeral). My organs will be donated, and I would like my ashes spread at Cypress Hills Provincial Park, a place I spend as much time at as I can hiking with my dog and practicing Zen. 1412455173395.jpg (here's a picture to show you all)

My Buddha statues and rakusu would go to a close friend.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Kyotai]

I had to laugh at your last paragraph Jundo.

On second thought...

As I write this, cbc radio here in canada is addressing this very topic. Apparently the yearly amount of concrete used in American funerals could create a 2 lane highway stretching halfway across the u.s.a! Mind you, still more efficient then how the Egyptians buried royalty.

I like the idea of "green burials." The United kingdom has over 250 of them. Canada has 4.

I like the idea of no embalming fluid, no special ceremony, just returning to the earth among the trees.

No service, maybe a small gathering with lots of coffee! And some laughs. Lol



Gassho, Kyotai
Sat today

[Kyonin]

Hi guys,

I have told my close ones that my body should be taken in pieces to donate what's useful.

Then they should have a nice party and if possible, they should have a wrestling show. I have always loved pro wrestling. LOL Just kidding.

All I really want is they are fine and happy. I don't think I'll need much of a ceremony.

Gassho,

Kyonin
#SatToday

[Jika]

Thank you for so many thoughts and answers.
Darn, this is in the open forum part!
Let's sit for our teacher's health and long life, or G+ might sue us for conspiring to make their servers break down.
Layers of hangout sits, and layers of party.
May we all and our servers be healthy and at ease.

Gassho,
Danny
#sattoday

[Jundo]

An amazing truth is that some of the people who have posted in this very old thread, and are still so alive and present for us, actually are members who have since passed from this visible world in recent years.

Let us sit and remember them.

Gassho, J

[Byokan]

An amazing truth is that some of the people who have posted in this very old thread, and are still so alive and present for us, actually are members who have since passed from this visible world in recent years.

Let us sit and remember them.

Gassho, J

Hi All,

here's a crazy idea, and I just thought of it, so feel free to tell me why it's a horrible idea... A memorial page, listing those who have passed?? Under the "community" tab up there.

Gassho
Lisa
sat today

[Kyotai]

Hi All,

here's a crazy idea, and I just thought of it, so feel free to tell me why it's a horrible idea... A memorial page, listing those who have passed?? Under the "community" tab up there.

Gassho
Lisa
sat today

I like it

Gassho, Kyotai
Sat today

[Jundo]

Hi All,

here's a crazy idea, and I just thought of it, so feel free to tell me why it's a horrible idea... A memorial page, listing those who have passed?? Under the "community" tab up there.

Gassho
Lisa
sat today

For privacy reasons, I would not without some permission. If were were contacted by a family member, I would by happy to open a special page for the person, even conduct some memorial service (much as we are having this week for Parinirvana). We have had one in the past like so.

Gassho, J
SatToday

[Jika]

I don't know.
I like that this forum allows to feel the presence of the deceased, or people who have chosen a different way and are less active.
But my question on funerals is about the ones left behind, not to create a memorial.

If you enter a sports club, or workplace, you sometimes hear stories from the past about people who did important things, nice people who used to be there.
But mostly, they are gone, gone further in health or from this form.
This forum function of the Zendo is a memorial in itself.

Like Schroedinger's cat, people live forever.
Gassho,
Danny
#sattoday

[Byokan]

Hi Danny,

I’ve been thinking about your question. Organ donation & cremation for me. (Would much rather my body were lain out in the woods to feed the animals and decay naturally, but that probably won’t happen.) Scatter my ashes on the mountain, and into the garden, and into the water. Then, I’ve always said, no service, no memorial, just remember me in your own way.

But lately a few people I know have died with similar directions. With no burial and no service, and the immediate family taking care of the ashes, there was no sense of closure, no paying of respects, no goodbye -- they were just gone suddenly. So I have changed my mind.

Have a party, how about a BBQ or a picnic somewhere nice. Roll in the grass, fly a kite, blow soap bubbles. Play “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong and lots of other music. Eat, drink, laugh, feel a little bad that you’re enjoying it so much. Buddhist stuff? I like your idea of the candle-lighting, maybe someone could read a little Dogen or Rumi while that happens, as the sun is going down. And have anything else that is comforting and reassuring to the folks left behind, it’s all for them.


Gassho
Lisa
sat today


P.s. From now on I will refer to the dead as “people who have chosen a different way and are less active”.

[RichardH]

Re: What should a/your Buddhist funeral be like?

I don't plan on attending

..on a side note re: death and dying... the Salvation Army up the street says people about to die are being "Promoted to Glory", while a nurse I know says such people are "circling the drain". Very different perspectives.T

Gassho
Daizan
Sat today..nodded off

[Risho]

I don't plan on attending

hahahaha

I require everyone to wear some Star Trek: TNG paraphernalia, make corny jokes and watch the entire 1990 TMNT movie. Otherwise, I will haunt you all. lol

Gassho,

Risho
-sattoday

[Emmet]

We had always hoped to end our days like Philemon & Baucis, but alas, apparently that isn't to be. I want my funeral to be whatever gives my mate the most comfort possible. I suspect that it'll be held outdoors among the trees; sky above, Earth below, wind in her hair; she'd draw strength and solace from that. The cheapest cremation available ($695 at our local funeral home), in my robes & rakuzu, perhaps urned in my raku mizusashi; the one with the broken and glued-together lid (appropriate somehow). No one but myself would appreciate the Heart Sutra; I'm considering getting my cardboard cremation container ahead of time, and writing it out on the lid myself. Were I to be in attendance, "Hector the Hero" at the beginning and "Flowers of the Forest" at the end would be nice; but we know of no pipers here (I might record them myself, while I can still play). I'd like for an 8X10 of myself (my avatar picture) and a box of good Japanese incense to be mailed down to my previous zendo, where my sangha can perform their traditional memorial service.
I like Jundo's idea of being scattered on the mountain; but I wonder if looking up at the ridge would give her peace in remembrance, or rekindle a sense of loss. I'll have to ask her.

[orangedice]

A friend of mine recently passed unexpectedly. After his family had a funeral (which I have no details of), our employer hosted a memorial dinner where all his chef friends (he was a chef himself, and that's how I met him!) took different parts of a 30lb pig and prepared them. For major US holidays, he would often host pig roasts himself, in his backyard where he also tended chickens and grew his food... I'd say 100+ people showed up for the dinner. The projector had pictures of him from his life and his girlfriend gave a beautiful speech. We laughed, we drank, we reminisced about his quirks and kindness, and we cried. It was absolutely beautiful seeing how many people he touched and to know that each of us did not have to be alone in our love and sorrow. I'm tearing up right now.

Anyway, I don't know about the actual funeral ceremony... but I definitely want that. I want my loved ones to be able to connect with each other after I'm gone. A big old party!

- June

#SatToday

[bayamo]

I want a "Weekend at Bernie's" type send off then stuff my ashes in to a wicked huge bottle rocket and shoot it off...

Oh yeah, if I didn't have inner peace, I'd completely go psycho on all you guys, all the time. Carl Carlson
#SatToday

[Myosha]

Hello,

This is so apropos. Spent the life fertilizing. Returned to fertilizer: enjoy the tomato!


Gassho,
Myosha sat today

[Byokan]

...enjoy the tomato!

You kill me, Myosha!
I'm engraving that on my tombstone.

Gassho
Lisa
sat today

[Anshu Bryson]

Unless a Soto Zen presence suddenly springs up in Indonesia (one can but hope!) between now and the time of my demise (some would say my 'demise' came about many years ago, but that's another story ), my funeral will likely follow the Chinese Mahayana tradition of my wife and her family. See here for a 'non-denominational' Buddhist funeral service; while not exactly the same, the local ceremonies follow the general pattern described here: http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/buddhist_funeral.pdf

I do like this idea as well, though: https://urnabios.com/

Gassho,

Bryson

sat today

[Luciana]

For those who are interested in green burials, here's the web site for the place where my husband and I plan to be buried: http://www.molesfarewelltributes.com..._Services.html

_/\_

L.
sat2day

[JimH]

I've thought about this a lot, actually, and I want my "funeral" to be a party for friends and family. I plan on leaving some money for the purpose of allowing people to get together as they feel necessary, to enjoy each others' company and have a meal and/or drinks at my expense. Memorializing or eulogizing not necessary or expected....I figure that I will be the one person not in attendance. I would prefer to be cremated, and my ashes disposed of however my family feels is appropriate....if nothing else, just scattered in the wind. As ash, everywhere and anywhere will be my home.

I kind of envision things as portrayed in the song/video "Going out in style" by the Dropkick Murphys. I'd like my friends and family to have a good time, a happy time, and mourn or celebrate as they see fit. No need for ceremony for me.

Gassho--

JimH
SatToday!

[Entai]

I think the ceremony is there to comfort the living. I have expressed (and written down) what I'd like when I pass. I've written a little something to either be read or printed out. A little message of my appreciation for having shared my life among my family and friends. The theme is continuity. It's only a couple paragraphs, but hopefully gives comfort for those who need it (there may be one in the crowd.. Haha). I'd like to be cremated, since burial kind of freaks me out (too much horror fiction). I'd like some music played if there's some sort of memorial service. Some fun stuff that I liked to listen to. They could throw on a Beatles album if they'd like. Other than that, doesn't matter. My hope is to make any grieving as comfortable as possible.