Ugh! Why am I posting this? Because I need help, duh...
How do you "keep going forward" in zazen when all you
seem to get, day in, day out, are the clouds, just dark,
heavy clouds, and NO BLUE SKY!!!???
My wife and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary
last weekend and we stayed at a "Bed and Breakfast." Well,
it was a beautiful place. It overlooked a lake where we swam,
got a sunset ride on a boat, laid together in a hammock between
trees, did "the deed" ops: in a luxurious bed, and was fed a
breakfast that would challenge a cook for the king. It was a
wonderful experience. But the owner was a Baptist minister. He
didn't say anything about it. But that night, in the "commnity room,"
I noticed alot of his books dealt with ministry and Protestant
theology. I picked up a few volumes of Martin Luther and some others
and read some stuff that I thought I had tucked away in the "dark
backward" of my mind. It got me remembering my past issues with
all this stuff. I know a Buddhist forum isn't the greatest place to talk
about this stuff, but it has brought up alot of issues (that I thought
were no longer issues) and these seem to be disrupting my practice.
Before, I felt no conflict between the two worlds. Even was proud
to think of myself as a Zen Baptist. I know, that's kinda like calling
myself an "aristocratic redneck." But now when I sit I spend the
entire time doubting myself, doubting my practice, and doubting my
motives for practicing. I know the entire conflict has its home in
my thoughts, but thoughts can be powerful things. I don't know
what I'm asking or looking for...just some words of wisdom and
encouragement. Anything you've got will help. Thanks for listening.