Today was the one of the most bizarre days I have had in awhile, I mean, I was angry. I was prodding and snapping at everyone for no apparent reaso;, nothing seemed to be going right even though nothing really happened. It is hot outside, the dog was barking incessantly, my sister's music was blaring, chores, requests, blah blah blahhhhh. I was fuming! Not a characteristic I normally see in myself. I felt like I was going nowhere just sitting idly in my home, there was no one to speak to and that I was just failing at everything.
Then the rain came. It's been a bit of a drought in my area for sometime. No rain for about 3 or 4 weeks. When it does rain, and if I have the opportunity, I will sit with it for awhile. No timer, just me and the rain as long as I want. I began to feel frustrated for being such a raging jerk today. Feeling guilty about this and that, how I'm "not supposed to be like this". Then I sat and just sort of let it wash over me. A few verses:
There is no rain in zazen
Nothing to smother that fire
Nothing to stop the heat
The kesa wraps itself around
Anger, Frustration, Peace
I do not own the rain
I cannot hold the kesa
The rain owns me
I am clothed whether I like it or not
I suppose the whole point of this was that it was the first time that I have felt that it is actually Ok. Sure, we should try to be nice people, but sometimes the days are frustrating for no reason. No need to take it out on anyone, no need to blame, no need to push anything away. If trapped in a hot hot hell, just sit in it. Dragging others into it, or trying to claw our way out only leaves us feeling more alone and scorched.
My zazen teaches me, whether I know it or not.
A semi-melodramatic gassho,