So my practice is, well, not so good. I don't know if it's common to post such dribble
about personal practice, but I don't have the confidence to go it alone and lately I
feel like I've been led to the edge of a cliff and left there. Do I go back? Do I jump?
No. Just sit. Well just sitting is driving me crazy. Where's the harmony I keep
hearing about? Where's the balance? It seems like meditation, even zazen, if done
correctly, should bring more peace into one's life. I seem to be losing more and
more peace the longer I practice. I do keep sitting. And that surprises me. I've
never really stayed with anything that didn't give me immediate results. For some
reason I keep coming back to that dreadful cushion. But really, maybe zazen is not
for me. Or maybe I am doing it wrong. While sitting should I ask myself such
questions as, "Who is sitting?" "Who is hearing traffic?" "Who is itching?" Or
just sit there like a rock? Gee, I've never had trouble sitting until I started
trying to do it intentionally. Is this just me talking because I like to hear myself,
see my avatar on the computer, feel important? Is this what my sitting is showing
me? That I can't be still? Can't accept the moment? Want zazen to get me high?
That I crave attention? Do I analyze too much? My lord, am I really gonna post this
sh#%!!?? Am I going crazy? Maybe I should shut up. But I just keep feeling like I'm
doing something wrong or I would have more of the positive qualities I hear others
talk about. I've had "experiences." Felt like the sound of traffic was somehow
"inside my body" rather than "out there." But less peace, less balance, less harmony.
Shoot me. Holler at me. Run me off the message board. But before you do...
Deep Bow, Sweaty Brow,