Originally Posted by
Dosho
Hi all,
Well, I've had to concede that I won't finish my kesa by the jukai which is what I had been shooting for, but over the weekend I found myself rushing in order to finish and at that point I knew I was beginning to miss the point! When this realization came to me after redoing a section of the frame I actually began to well up with tears. I hadn't realized before that moment how much I had invested myself in a goal that had no more meaning than any other date, but still I was in a sense "crushed". In that moment I had another realization: The kesa is a metaphor for my life!
Let me explain. As I have moved through the process I have faced "demons" such as perfectionism, lack of patience, fear of failure, and an overabundance of pride. These are all the exact same things I have pressed up against countless times in my life. I now have my very own crucible with a lens that allows me to see what I have been doing to myself for so many years. It was depressing and liberating all in the same moment, something that seems to happen to me a lot since coming to Treeleaf.
I certainly haven't conquered any of these demons and in fact their power over me is an additional source of frustration, but the inner workings of my mind are now open for all to see and it's been awhile since anyone did any work in there! It feels like a mess...both that thing I label as "my mind" and what my eldest son refers to as "Daddy's green blanket"...the kesa.
This weekend was the first time I ever considered not completing the process I started about a year ago but that didn't last long. To rush it or let it go would allow important elements of practice to fall away needlessly. If I was using it as a crutch that would be sad, but my fears that it isn't good enough, will never get finished, and that I'm not good enough have come to mind...and I want to just let them drift by. Oh if it were that easy...but I don't think it's supposed to be easy...or hard. They are all just conceptions and judgments of mind that will only stop the process if "I" allow them to do so.
So, with that said, back to work...
Gassho,
Dosho