Today while doing fasted cardio on the elliptical, I had an intense feeling of gratitude about my Borderline Personality Disorder. It occurred to me that the only reason that I've been pushed to any sort of realization is because any sense of self I have is so unbelievably tenuous and painful - fragile beyond belief. It takes so little insight to realize how ridiculous any sort of refuge in those things would be. The downside is obviously there - but because of the constant perception of failure, pain, and self-monstrousness; one is naturally motivated to find out what is really true. This dissatisfying state of affairs naturally leads to a sort of 'will to truth'.

Also, BPD doesn't allow you to claim any of 'your' successes - any strides I take, anything that I build seems to come from some mysterious place to which I can never make a claim. The pain comes from continually trying to seek security in the shifting sands of projected conceptual realities. Being so much less capable of that throughout the years is the only thing that's allowed me to look at just what the nature of these shifting conceptual frameworks is.

It seems as though this is exactly what was needed for me - and saying 'yes' to it was all I ever needed to do.