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Thread: My marriage is over.

  1. #1

    My marriage is over.

    We were married for only 10 months, I thought we had something really special.

    Its all over now, shes gone and taken all her stuff, and says theres no chance of us making it work, and we've run our course.

    Its all so sudden.

    I feel completely lost in this big house now, everything here reminds me of her. She was all I had and all I wanted and now shes gone.
    I don't know if any of you have heard Fade to Black by Metallica, but that completely describes how I feel.

    Thanks for listening.

    Chogetsu

  2. #2
    disastermouse
    Guest

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chogetsu
    We were married for only 10 months, I thought we had something really special.

    Its all over now, shes gone and taken all her stuff, and says theres no chance of us making it work, and we've run our course.

    Its all so sudden.

    I feel completely lost in this big house now, everything here reminds me of her. She was all I had and all I wanted and now shes gone.
    I don't know if any of you have heard Fade to Black by Metallica, but that completely describes how I feel.

    Thanks for listening.

    Chogetsu
    Wow!

    How long were you together (I know you were married 10 months).

    I'm sorry, Chogetsu.


    Chet

  3. #3

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hi Chogetsu,
    I am very sorry to hear that.

    If you want to talk you know you have plenty of folks here, including me, who have gone /are going through this or similar and can offer a sympathetic ear or some sage advice or just be with you if you are open to it.

    Gassho, Shohei

  4. #4

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Thanks for the replys. Its great to know Ive got friends on here.

    We were together about 3 years.

    I've just been sitting in zazen, trying to look on the positive things Ive got left. Ive never felt this down before it just feels like my lifes over. I just keep thinking theres no point anymore, im just forcing myself to live.

  5. #5

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chogetsu
    I've just been sitting in zazen, trying to look on the positive things Ive got left. Ive never felt this down before it just feels like my lifes over. I just keep thinking theres no point anymore, im just forcing myself to live.
    In 1995, my life was "over" when my first wife left me. I underwent deep suffering for the loss of the marriage to which I was attached. In retrospect, my first wife did me a great favor. Sure, it hurt in the moment, but it was just a stepping stone on the path to where I am now. I like where I am now.

  6. #6
    Treeleaf Unsui rculver's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage is over.

    I'm also very sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you.

    Ron

  7. #7

    Re: My marriage is over.

    I've just been sitting in zazen, trying to look on the positive things Ive got left. Ive never felt this down before it just feels like my lifes over. I just keep thinking theres no point anymore, im just forcing myself to live.
    But that's it Chogetsu. That's life. This right now, what you are experiencing, is life. Use it. Cherish it. Accept it. (but don't wallow in it)

    This is the place where artists find their inspiration.


    Gassho

  8. #8

    Re: My marriage is over.

    deleted by Will

  9. #9
    Treeleaf Unsui Dosho's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hey C,

    This is one of those moments where people tell us that all things pass, but it rarely feels that way at the time. All I can say is, it will pass and there was some very good advice already offered, especially Will's that may be the hardest to hear. In any event, we're here to offer support whenever a sangha member needs it.

    Be well.

    Gassho,
    Dosho

  10. #10
    Blue Mountain White Clouds Hermitage Priest Taigu's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hi Chogetsu,

    I am very sorry to hear that and there is no doubt, for now you think it is the worse thing ever.
    I lost two marriages. My last wife, a wonderful ,very sensitive and beautiful Japanese girl had a lovely love affair with an italian concert pianist who happended to be one of my friends. It killed two birds with one stone. I thought I was going to die. The pain. The questions. Lost my job too. Ended up stacking shelves in the local supermarket Sainsbury's and did spend Christmas working night shifts with tears running down my cheeks as I was moving huge boxes of goods. Met many broken men and women there. People in life crisis. I was a Phd guy, there was a banker from the City, an artist, a GP...What did I do? Just that. Sat zazen, cried if I felt I wanted too and immersed myself in manual work. After six months of this very good therapy I made my way to Japan to do ritual begging in Kyoto for I am Zen monk since I am 18. And today...
    I have a lovely job, a great partner who is a dream to be with, she has a child so I am a father again...All is amazing and well. This is called impermanence and no doubt this happiness will end in one way or another, death can be the thing.

    Welcome to life and it is time to wake up to this truth of impermanece.

    My advice? keep going, work, physical hard work and sit. And allow yourself to be miserable. If you drop too low you may ask a GP for a light medication if you wish. But there is no way out, the way out is the way in. It is your life. And let that wife of yours go. And invite that life of yours.

    What you are now experiencing is Buddhism at its hardest.


    Much love


    Gassho


    Taigu


    and yes, read the following lyrics...read Rumi too.

    I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell
    what I felt
    I was unrecognizable to myself
    Saw my reflection in a window I didn't know
    my own face
    Oh brother are you gonna leave me
    wasting away
    On the streets of Philadelphia

    I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
    I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
    At night I could hear the blood in my veins
    Just as black and whispering as the rain
    On the streets of Philadelphia

    Ain't no angel gonna greet me
    It's just you and I my friend
    And my clothes don't fit me no more
    I walked a thousand miles
    just to slip this skin

    The night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake
    I can feel myself fading away
    So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
    or will we leave each other alone like this
    On the streets of Philadelphia



    take care!

  11. #11

    Re: My marriage is over.

    And don't forget to do the laundry :shock:

    W

  12. #12
    disastermouse
    Guest

    Re: My marriage is over.

    I've never been married, Chogetsu. When my last long-term thing ended the first time, I couldn't breathe.

    I lifted weights for hours everyday. We had to live together for a few weeks afterward. Oddly, right before we left, we got back together (mistakenly). By the time we split up again, there was only a feeling of release and gratitude - likewaking from a dream in which you thought you had cancer.

    I've learned that you can't find what I was looking for in another person. You have to realize from within that you truly lack nothing.

    Chet

  13. #13

    Re: My marriage is over.

    It's seems like my first 28 years of life was Relationship, break up, cry,end of the world, distract myself, relationship, break up, cry, end of the world etc.

    Don't try to get rid of it. Accept it. Just let it be when you sit, and come back, like Taigu said, to doing something productive. Life "does" go on. Even when we think we can't.

    We should try to practice not only for ourselves, but for others as well.

    Gassho

  14. #14
    disastermouse
    Guest

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Also - note that the subject of your post is, 'my marriage is over', not 'my life is over'.

    That in itself is a lesson. Your pain will be gone as soon as you let go of the deranged notion that she wasn't supposed to leave (deranged only because it argues with reality).

    You will heal.

    Chet

  15. #15

    Re: My marriage is over.

    I feel for you, Chogetsu. Things like this shake you to the core and make you question everything, and this is where you really learn, really grow. I'm going through a very tough time, too, faced with dealing with issues from my past that are breaking apart everything I knew about my life, or the possibility of losing my marriage.

    I chose the lesser of sufferings, to deal with my past. From any great struggle we can learn a lot about ourselves, especially when we learn there is no struggle.

    Peace and blessings be with you,
    Dave

  16. #16

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hi Chogetsu,
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I wish there was something I could do. Words fail.

    gassho,
    rowan

  17. #17
    Senior Member murasaki's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage is over.

    Words do fail -- I have been wondering what to post. I will simply offer you my support and understanding, Chogetsu. My own circumstances, though different, are also painful, so I understand. May we all overcome our suffering and be well.

    gassho
    Julia

  18. #18

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Thanks again for all the replys everyone, it really means a lot to me.

    Think I'll just take it day by day, or maybe even second by second.

    Shes moved back in with her mum, so its just me, the cat and the dog now.

    Even though most of her stuff is gone, there is still a lot to remind me of her, I feel like im on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment.

    I feel like getting away for a few days, just me, the dog and a change of scenery.

    Do you think that would make it harder when I came back?

    Thanks again for all the support.

  19. #19

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hi Chogetsu. Glad to hear you're just taking it one moment at a time. That's best. I don't think going away for a short time will make it easier or harder for you when you get back home. You just need to give yourself time. I think a change of scenery is a great idea, but just remember...wherever you go, there you are.

    You can count on us to be here for you, but also count on your dog. Pets are some of the best teachers/supporters there are. They are there unconditionally.

    Peace and deep bows,
    Dave

  20. #20

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Chogetsu,

    Life can be very testing at times but you will get through this. Just take one step at a time and live in the moment.

    Chris

  21. #21

    Re: My marriage is over.

    I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Chogetsu.
    I wish you strength and peace.
    Take extra good care of yourself.
    Renee

  22. #22

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hi Chogetsu,

    I'm very sorry to hear this. Please take good care of yourself.

    Gassho
    Bansho

  23. #23
    Senior Member Martin's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage is over.

    Chogetsu

    I am sorry to hear of your pain.

    My first wife left me (and our three boys) 12 years ago. At the time I felt like I was shipwrecked, all the parts of me broken up and dashed against the rocks. I didn't know before that emotional pain can actually hurt physically. Nothing much that anyone said at the time helped because, well I wanted her back and they just kept offering me words. What use were words? I wish I'd had a zazen practice then.

    All I can say is that this time, too, will pass, I promise you. Time does heal. And quicker than you think possible (though not as quick as you'd like!).

    In the mean time, as others have said, take it one day at a time. And be kind to yourself.

    Gassho

    Martin

  24. #24

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hi.

    Everything changes.
    One day you may be sad, one day glad (happy).
    Just be mindful of it.

    Mtfbwy
    Tb

  25. #25

    Re: My marriage is over.

    There is lyric from a rap song that has always make me think:

    If what they say is "Nothing lasts is forever"
    Then what makes
    Love the exception
    The hardest thing my mother told me when a three-year relationship end was:

    "You are not the only one."

    That really hit me. Ugh! Most folks just said "I am sorry to hear that."
    But. Now. Many many years later, I think my mother's advice rings true.
    Don't dwell on the past. Just acknowledge what was good.
    There were good times. There were bad times.
    But
    Take it one day at a time. Live life.

  26. #26

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hi,

    Let me toss in some of the Buddha's words, and what is the most fundamental teaching. I am afraid that a "broken heart" is as old as humanity, and at the heart of the Buddha's teachings.

    For those new to the word, "Dukkha" ...

    No one English word captures the full depth and range of the Pali term Dukkha. It is sometimes rendered as 'suffering', as in 'life is suffering'. But perhaps it's better expressed as 'dissatisfaction', 'anxiety', 'disappointment' 'unease at imperfection' or 'frustration', terms that wonderfully convey a subtlety of meaning.

    Your 'self' wishes this world to be X, yet this world is not X. The mental state that may result to the 'self' from this disparity is Dukkha.

    Shakyamuni Buddha gave many examples ... sickness (when we do not wish to be sick), old age (when we long for youth), death (if we cling to life), loss of a loved one (as we cannot let go), violated expectations, the failure of happy moments to last (though we wish them to last). Even joyous moments ... such as happiness and good news, treasure or pleasant times ... can be a source of suffering if we cling to them, are attached to those things.

    In ancient stories, Dukkha is often compared to a chariot's or potter's wheel that will not turn smoothly as it revolves. The opposite, Sukkha, is a wheel that spins smoothly and noiselessly, without resistance as it goes.

    In life, there's sickness, old age, death and loss ... other very hard times ...

    But that's not why 'Life is Suffering'. Not at all, said the Buddha.

    Instead, it's sickness, but only when we refuse the condition ...
    ...old age, if we long for youth ...
    ... death, because we cling to life ...

    ... loss , when we cannot let go ...
    ... violated expectations, because we wished otherwise ...


    Our 'dissatisfaction', 'disappointment', 'unease' and 'frustration' ... Dukkha ... arises as a state of mind, as our demands and wishes for how things 'should be' or 'if only would be for life to be happy' differ from 'the way things are'. The gap is the source of Dukkha. Our Practice closes the gap

    What's more, even happiness can be a source of Dukkha if we cling to the happy state, demand that it stay, are attached to good news, material successes, pleasures and the like ... refusing the way life may otherwise go.

    Our Zen practice closes the gap between how things go and how we would wish them to go ...

    Mahasatipatthana Sutta

    a. Dukkhasacca Pabba (Section on the Noble Truth of Dukkha)


    And what, bhikkhus, is the Noble Truth of dukkha? Birth note93 is dukkha, ageing is also dukkha, death is also dukkha; sorrow, lamentation, physical pain, mental pain and anguish are also dukkha; to have to associate with those (persons or things) one dislikes is also dukkha; to be separated from those one loves or likes is also dukkha; wishing for what one cannot get is also dukkha; in short, the five aggregates of clinging are dukkha.note94

    ...


    And what, bhikkhus, is sorrow (soka)?note95 The sorrow, the act of sorrowing, the sorrowful state of mind, the inward sorrow and the inward overpowering sorrow that arise because of this or that loss (of relatives, or possessions) or this or that painful state that one experiences - this, bhikkhus, is called sorrow.

    And what, bhikkhus is lamentation (parideva)? The crying and lamenting, the act of crying and lamenting, and the state of crying and lamentation that arises because of this or that loss (of relatives, or possessions) or this or that painful state that one experiences - this bhikkhus, is called lamentation.

    ...

    Bhikkhus, this is called the Noble Truth of dukkha.


    http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/mahasati15.htm

  27. #27

    Re: My marriage is over.

    Hey Chogetsu, I hope you feel better now.
    i know i am a bit too late to add my 2 cents but for what its worth i will anyway.

    let me start by saying that am extreme sorry for your lose. i know it must hurt like hell or even worse. but as many advices that were given to you above, it will pass.

    let me share something with you now...

    a little over a year ago my dog died. i had her for over 14 years (just to make it clear my brother is 13 years old so i had the dog longer than a brother), she was truly part of the family. in the end she had a disease that she fought and even overcame it but the strain of the fighting and the chemo got the better of her, she couldnt move or stand up, she was drained of all her strength and was in pain and suffering (you learn to read animals you live with for a long time, same as with people). so in the end we decided to unitize her, a privilege animals have that people rarely receive (as a nurse i should know). i do think it is better to just go sleep surrounded by the those you love and love you with no pain.
    she died in my arms... i cried like i havent cried before. not when my grandmother died or my grandfather (whom i lived dearly). i cried! even now as i write these lines i am all teared up!

    i swore i would never, ever, ever, ever have another dog! i was depressed for weeks. the fact that i had to get up and go to work the next day didnt help either, i was a mess.
    2 month after that my girlfriend found a little puppy under the car of our neighbor. he was so small and frightened, we took him in to save him... he grew up in to a big silly half breed, he is very smart yet not disciplined at all. and he is a trouble maker... yet i still love him.

    a few weeks ago was the 20th of march, the date my dog died... i was so sure of it. it turned out to be just a normal day i felt a bit sad for the lose i felt but i accepted it and moved on, its just part of life.
    but it turned out that i got the date wrong. it was on the 11th of march... 9 days before. i didnt even noticed it, the day have come and went and i didnt even notice the fact that its been a year. i still dont know how i feel about it... its very weird.

    i guess the point of this long and emotional post is just to show you that it gets better with time. believe me when i say that you can take comfort in the fact she lives and that you live also.
    life goes on....

    Gassho, Daniel Dojin Sherman.

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