After I took my vows in xx/xx/xx, I felt on top of the world. My life had purpose and direction again. As time passed the excitement faded and I was back in my normal rut. How could that be? What changed? I think it comes down to the fact that nothing actually did change. You can make vows all you want, but if you donít live them and you donít practice everyday, then it doesnít really matter. So when I say that nothing changed, itís because something needed to change, but didnít.
I have never been good about keeping routines. Whatís funny is that I actually enjoy repititious, routine work. It doesnít bother me. I like the familiarity, knowing what is coming next and not worrying about what to do.
Okay, so I just realized something. I know why I like repitious and routine work.
I like that kind of work because it doesnít require me to have to expand outside my comfort zone. It doesnít require me to work past my issues and push beyond my fears. I like that kind of work because Iím afraid. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of success. I am afraid that I will never be good enough. I am afraid that if I do too well at something then I will be required to do more when I already feel overloaded. I am afraid that if I fail, no one will love me.
I actually believe everything I think.
I love moments like this, because everything seems so clear. What I hate however is that 5 minutes later Iíve left the moment and fall back into my delusions and habitual patterns. I have these moments of clarity and I feel like I can see the naked truth. I see it and say ďwell of course, it all makes sense nowĒ and the next moment I say ďoh, well thatís too bad, I guess Iíll never change. I just donít know what to do.Ē
What the hell is my problem?
Why is it that I can analyze a situation and see the solution, or even have someone hand me the solutionÖbut then I drop the ball and do nothing? I truly baffle myself sometimes, and I know I baffle my wife. She frequently says to me, ďYou know what you have to do to change things, why donít you just stop thinking so much and do it?Ē. Thatís a valid question, right? What is my answer you ask? Well, my asnwer is this, ďI donít knowĒ. The thing is though, that I do know. Deep down, or maybe even not that deep down, I do know. I believe that. I know that all the answers to my questions lie within myself, but why canít I seem to find them? Maybe I have found them, but donít recognize them. Maybe I see the answers, but donít like them so I delude myself into thinking that I donít know so that I can continue my habitual pattern of avoidance.
.....I go in circles like this over and over and over again, never doing anything different, but expecting different results. Is that not the definition of insanity? (atleast according to Einstein).
I feel so stuck, yet no one can get me out of the rut by myself.
Great, now my head hurtsÖbut thanks for listening.