Hi, Everyone,

I've been thinking (dangerous occupation!) lately about expectations and how when mine are not met, I've been known to behave like a two-year old, temper tantrums and all. Although, in fairness to myself, they're not displayed openly and so the child is far more honest than I.

When they are met there is not a lot of satisfaction, after all, there's always more, more, more. In order to simplify things for myself, I thought back to a man that I used to know and his wise words at that time were, (paraphrasing here): I go to a furniture store to buy furniture, I go to a doctor to get a cast on a broken leg, I go the market to buy food. If I go to the furniture store to get a cast for my broken leg and they don't have it and can't do it then why am I getting so pissed off?

Of course, expectations were'nt met. Why do I need to have my expectations met? For me, its a measure of control. If I can control my tiny little universe (and that means you have to behave and play the role that I assigned to you), then I won't hurt, and bottom-lining that, I won't have to face the fact that I will die.

Even dying's not a problem, there's only a problem when I PERCEIVE a difference.

So perceivings the root. I see things that are not there. (like the man on the stair who is'nt there) I create - non-stop. WHAT I create is that which causes me grief.

So, if I'm always in a creating mode (and I am, whether I believe it or not. Water will drown me whether I believe it or not if I stick my head in it long enough), then perhaps what I should do is create in a sane, balanced manner.

What the HELL is sane and balanced?

Living by (or attempting to) the precepts, learning by my mistakes (that my ego HAS to go), admitting when I'm wrong, changing course, and having the self-disipline to sit, whether i (small on purpose) want it or not.

Discipline was a nasty, nasty word when I heard it first used in a context of being nice to myself. But then I learned the root of the word was "disciple", which means "to learn, to teach" NOT, let's yell and hit and bully into submission... can I be a good friend to myself? Even if that means being tough with myself and others?

Yeah, well, sometimes, maybe, I dunno. There's a lot of shedding of masks to be done. Some served their purpose at one time but they're not doing me any good now. So, just let it go, let it go.

Don't know if this'll even make sense to anyone but thanks for letting me verbally vomit!

Thank you and many blessings,