I haven't posted on here for quite some time.
I'm having enormous difficulty deciding what to do and how to live my life.
On the one hand I'm torn between finding happiness for myself. Not the superficial kind which is prevalent everywhere we look, but a genuine happiness which is not reliant on external situations.
On the other hand is affilianting myself with a religion. I've read some great books on Zen and Taosim, but I always feel it gets taken out of context by many people and taken much too seriously for my liking. I don't want to be a person who gets angry when the Zen tradition is attacked, but neither do I want to be a complete nihilist because of my distrust and cynacism towards organised religion. Putting these teachings to the test and stubbornly holding on to traditions, rituals and the true way. I know Jundo has talked about various contradictions many times and I can never get my head round most of them.
Life hasn't been going well for pretty much my whole life, I join many others there, which is what sends people looking for answers. I've been diagnosed with several anxiety disorders and clinical depression. When I am going through a particular bad phase, I don't care what the Buddha says, or what Dogen says, or any other wise master. All I have is my own experience and I'm as right or wrong as anyone else.
I'll probably regret posting this in the morning, but I believe there are others out there that have experienced my deep frustration. I don't mean to cause any offense with what I have typed and mean it all with the uptmost respect, but the last thing I need is to have my post picked apart or giving some Zen koan. Things go much further than what I have typed here and am able to type here and express. Please try to understand that most answers are too simplistic for my current state of mind, such as, keep sitting, or just experience it. None of which has no relevence to me whatsoever, however true it may be.
I really thank you all for reading this and letting me have a place to type my thoughts.