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Thread: Tying Up Threads

  1. #51

    Re: Tying Up Threads

    I like to just say something about what started me doing Zazen and has kept me doing it really.

    Mostly it was some idea that there was something wrong with me. Something that I needed to fix. Originally I wasn't good enough. This perhaps changed to an effort to change myself. Of course all along the thing that I wanted was the thing that was a hinderance to practice. Caught up in it more and more. Trying more and more to change just kept moving deeper towards dellusion, and ego. The point is you can't really change who you are. You just have to accept the fact that you can't fix it. There is nothing that you can do. When this happens, there is a breakthrough sort of. But if that is objectified, it just becomes another view of "Ok. Now I'm getting somewhere." But your really just going backwards again.

    Kodo Sawaki says that "Zazen is good for nothing."

    I tried so hard that my head would hurt all day long from narrowing my eyes and actually being caught up in this ego (thoughts etc.). Always thinking how to change this or that. Always thinking, thinking, thinking. Trying to stop the thinking etc. Objectifying this and that. I had such an idea about what was right and what was wrong, but it didn't improve anything at all. I continued to just be as tense, greedy, angry, irritable, paranoid, self righteous as always. So I couldn't really change anything. I just needed, partly, to let it go.

    When I would read or write, it was: think, think, think. Think about just imaginary stuff and what I feel, and attachment instead the actual circumstances.

    The thing is. It becomes a habit that is tough to break and you can't expect things to happen right away (from my experience). You just kind of have to notice and let things be, and open up.

    Here's an example of my particular situation:

    I would not be able to feel the body at all. When I would hear a sound, the back of my head and my ear would tense at the sound. At this time I would notice this, but would start thinking about it and attach to that thinking. I'd say something like "Ok. My ear is tensing, but that is just tension, and I should just let it tense. Why is it tensing so much? etc." This is not just letting things be.

    In Zazen you just really have to let it be, and come back to the posture and open your eyes etc., but if you think that this will make you better than it just won't do anything.

    I think each of us is really good at something in our practice. I was really good at tension, narrowing and over thinking. I guess that's why it's called practice, because each person has to find their own way. However, I think we're all pretty similiar.

    Until we meet again young grasshopper. Hahaha :x

    Gassho Will

  2. #52

    Re: Tying Up Threads

    Quote Originally Posted by will
    When I would hear a sound, the back of my head and my ear would tense at the sound. At this time I would notice this, but would start thinking about it and attach to that thinking. I'd say something like "Ok. My ear is tensing, but that is just tension, and I should just let it tense. Why is it tensing so much? etc." This is not just letting things be.
    Will,

    Man, do I ever know what you're talking about.

    Quote Originally Posted by will
    In Zazen you just really have to let it be, and come back to the posture and open your eyes etc....
    And for me, that's often the really hard part. If I try to stop thinking, stop tensing, etc., I just think more and tense up more. The "how" of just letting it be -- stopping without trying to stop -- is sometimes very elusive for me. It drives me nuts that the effort to stop doing something makes the thing worse. On days when I have trouble with this I find sitting to be very, very frustrating.

    --Charles

  3. #53

    Re: Tying Up Threads

    Quote Originally Posted by will
    I like to just say something about what started me doing Zazen and has kept me doing it really.

    Mostly it was some idea that there was something wrong with me. Something that I needed to fix. Originally I wasn't good enough. This perhaps changed to an effort to change myself. Of course all along the thing that I wanted was the thing that was a hinderance to practice. Caught up in it more and more.
    Another very nice statement, Will. Thank you.

    Of course, it is a fine line to walk. The "finely balanced, harmonious and undivided schizoid" can know the art of change without changing. So, we learn things in school, give up smoking, become better and kinder people ... all as we know there is nothing to change. Nothing in need of change. We even become more proficient Zenners by mastering the art of no art to master.

    Tee hee. This Zen stuff is a hoot! :lol:

    Gassho, Jundo

  4. #54

    Re: Tying Up Threads

    Quote Originally Posted by Charles


    And for me, that's often the really hard part. If I try to stop thinking, stop tensing, etc., I just think more and tense up more. The "how" of just letting it be -- stopping without trying to stop -- is sometimes very elusive for me. It drives me nuts that the effort to stop doing something makes the thing worse. On days when I have trouble with this I find sitting to be very, very frustrating.

    --Charles
    Charles i know exactly what you mean. i felt like that too. with time i came to find that i shouldnt try to stop thinking or stop without stopping, i should just sit. thoughts arise in my head and they pass like clouds above i know them, i see them, but i do not take notice, i do not mind.
    they are just thoughts nothing more nothing less. not trying to letting go but truly letting go of thought is to accept thought and let it be but not to dwell on it or mind it.

    just sitting - shikantaza
    i find it is the only thing that comes close to explaining whatever it is i wish to say.
    just sit nothing more nothing less.

    i have said so much yet i feel i have missed the point further by speaking. too bad i cannot speak with silence in this forum
    hahaha :lol:

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