After many years of not being told I am the most wonderful, enlightened being on this planet, I have finally realized that it is not me who is not enlightened, but my teachers, who are simply too deluded to recognize my superior holiness and wisdom. Though in my humility I do not like accepting the role of teacher, I have decided that I must do so, not for myself, but for all of the sentient beings out there in need of my wisdom. Though I plaster the web with images, videos, and writings, I do not seek attention; though I sell countless items in my online store, I do not seek money. All I really want is your enlightenment, which is available to you right now. And all you have to do to recognize that enlightenment is devote hours of your time listening to me and marvelling at my wisdom, and paying me enough so that I don't have to work.

Some have asked about my need for regular sabbaticals and special treatments. I need time to heal from the brutalities of this harsh world so that I might remain pure to serve you. Pay no mind to the buff, well-oiled men around me who fan me and feed me grapes; I only have the purest of intentions toward them. Unfortunately, the poor young things seem to be so full of sexual energy that I cannot help in my great compassion but to minister to their still-worldly lusts. Of course, the unenlightened do not understand this and say I am self-serving. To them, I have only pity for their worldly pettiness. They do not realize how much I sacrifice to minister to these poor lost boys, how much of my precious holy energy I must deplete to save them from the pains of sexual frustration. And the hot tub out back, paid for by your dana--that I need to retain my youthful vitality so I might teach you. Don't listen to the nay-sayers, they're just poor, angry, un-enlightened souls afflicted by mental illness, too blind to see the light of my wisdom and graciousness. But, of course, I am too enlightened to be angry at them. Though sometimes, in my weakest moments, I must request a special healing massage from Biff that helps me cleanse out my negative emotions.

Hurry now and join our precious sangha. We'll even offer you the special introductory offer of $500 a month, plus occasional sexual favors to me so that I might help keep my teaching strong. In return, you'll get four of my precious wisdom teaching texts a month, access to special Stephyashanti webcams, and even a chance to come sit in on one of my very enlightening nude hot tub teachings. Hurry, as this special offer is only valid as long as the FBI don't show up...