Originally Posted by
Jundo
I would second that. I suffered from years of depression in my twenties, self doubt, directionlessness, over-thinking, fears. anger. And guess what, I still have some of that now and then because to be so is to be human ... goes with the territory until we die or turn into stones. But, you know, it is 1/10th of what it was because I can catch my own inner bullshit before it starts ... or recognize as bullshit thoughts and emotions I used to think of as unchangeable.
So, if you say the following you have been doing Shikantaza "wrong" ...
... this silence is incomplete. When you emerge from it, all the other "stuff" is still there.
... I've seen what people are like who have sat for years and so far all of them still seem to have a number of major issues that show they haven't addressed the kinds of things I'm trying to address. And maybe it's impossible to address them, but I haven't given up just yet.
Would it help to say that, on the "other side" of Shikanataza, the "stuff" should be seen to be "there but not there". Our thoughts, emotions, dilemas, issues, struggles are a dream ... although real in being our dream. So they are 100% real but, as well, not real. If the "stuff" is still there without you also seeing through it, something is amiss in your approach.
For example, now, if I start to get depressed, doubtful, fearful, I realize it is just my mind at work. It does not need to be that way and can be dropped or changed (like changing channels on the TV). Or, if I fall into anger I catch myself quicker and can recover balance quicker (notice, however, that I did not say I never get angry, blue, etc.)
I am going to make a wild guess (I might be wrong) that you are doing some form of one pointed sitting where you are stilling the mind quite a bit, but you are not practicing "seeing thing just as they are", accepting "crap as wonderfully just perfect crap". Stilling the mind by itself is not sufficient because you return and all the "stuff" is still there.
Gassho, Jundo (also a former Brooklynite)