Been doing a lot of introspection over the last few days, questioning again, wondering why it seems that a lot of the answers that religion provides don't satisfy... Priests and teachers will say, "You're just not enlightened yet," or "You haven't been saved," but maybe they don't have the answers either? One of the more fascinating explorations I've made in Buddhism is the difference between the ideal that even the more "open" and "down-to-earth" teachers present, and the actual content of their lives...

Was briefly involved with a (perhaps self-appointed) "Zen teacher" who had just about every demon imaginable ranging through his closet... and he tried to repress it, hide its face, but that Beast came out, oh boy... the peace and happiness he claimed to have found often seemed little more than a veneer over a deep, stormy layer of inner torment, a seething cauldron of violent rages, bottomless lust, self-loathing, misanthropy... all those tasty things that more of us wrestle with more deeply than we publicly acknowledge...

He might be the most "egregious" example of a dichotomy between public persona and private demons I personally know of, but so many other teachers I deeply admire have eventually disclosed, willingly or unwillingly, consciously or subconsciously, that the darkness lives in them too... Who says you have to be a rock star to cash in on sex, drugs, and rock and roll? Putting yourself in the position of "guru" or even mild "teacher" is a nice way to get that power, that charisma. And maybe you start out decent, mild, but maybe that's just because nothing has yet cast the scent that stirs the Beast... But as soon as people start giving you that attention, even that adoration, out it comes...

It's in me too, and I know it. The darkness, the Beast... and I've had an uneasy relationship with it for as long as I can remember. The religious stories tell us that this is Bad, and we must resist or overcome it, but what if the Devil has something to teach us, to tell us? About who we really are? And what this world really is? And I'm not just talking about the "reptile brain," the basic sex and aggression drives, but something more, something deeper... That precipice of existential terror, that soul-bleakness that drags you under? What is that? Is it just a melancholic personality thing? Or do we all have it in there, in us, somewhere? What Freud called thanatos?

All this seems to me to tie together somehow. All of those things we tend to file under "the dark side." Why is it so appealing to us, even as we are also drawn to ideal moral images? Why might we like to sit zazen and help old ladies cross the street but then delight in violent films and music that mines the nether regions of the soul? What's up with that? When we get religion or get Zen or whatever, are we only half alive, or in denial, or liars, if we try to deny the appeal of the darkness? Is it all just a big mind game with no nice 'n' tidy conclusion? What if 'happiness' isn't enough? What if a 'decent, good, sensible' life really, honestly bores us? Can we really be happy if we try to shut out Eros--not just desire, but desire, the range of animal hungers that really gets us going, even if we might not feel comfortable talking about what gets our animal awake and on the prowl in polite company?

Any thoughts on this? Anyone else out there have an intimate acquaintanceship with the Devil? The Beast? The http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-ednnJsOq4[/video]]darkness?