when faced with the ultimate reality

[Keishin]

This question was recently posted on the Dogen Sangha Blog:

What advice would you give regarding zazen practice for someone facing a life-threatening illness? Accepting impermanence is easy to do when one is healthy. But when faced with the ultimate reality, our confidence deserts us and we lose faith in the words that gave us strength. (But they were just words, anyway.)

As far as questions go, it's right up there with the best of them.
I thought I'd bring it here to Treeleaf for us all to consider

gassho,
Keishin[/b]

[Jundo]

Hello Keishin,

Well, I need to be careful here, because a "life threatening" illness is not necessarily a "terminal" illness. So, first I can tell you how a Zen practitioner might face a true terminal illness:

About the same way, I think, as any human being facing such a crisis.

It has been said that the typical stages of grief reaction to news of a terminal illness are:

1. Denial: Used by almost all patients in some form. It is a usually temporary shock response to bad news. ... People can slip back into this stage when there are new developments or the person feels they can no longer cope.

2. Anger: Different ways of expression

-... "Why me?" Feeling that others are more deserving.

-Envy of others: Other people don't seem to care, they are enjoying life while the dying person experiences pain. Others aren't dying. Anger at [the universe/God].

-Projected on environment: Anger towards doctors, nurses, and families.

3. Bargaining: A brief stage, hard to study because it is often between patient and [the Universe/God].

-Attempts to postpone: "If only I could live to see . . ."

4. Depression: ...

5. Acceptance: This is not a "happy" stage, it is usually void of feelings. It takes a while to reach this stage and a person who fights until the end will not reach it. It consists of basically giving up and realizing that death is inevitable.

* Hope is an important aspect of all stages. A person's hope can help them through difficult times.

http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/book ... grief.html

also:

it is common to feel . . .

* like you are "going crazy"

* unable to focus or concentrate

* irritable or angry (at the deceased, oneself, others, higher powers)

* frustrated or misunderstood

* anxious, nervous, or fearful

* like you want to "escape"

* guilt or remorse

* ambivalence

* numbness

http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/book ... grief.html

So, how does a Zen practitioner react? Probably, about the same way as all that, as other people do ... But, hopefully, with some acceptance of the fact of his or her doing so [.e.g., I am depressed and angry today. That's to be expected. I hate the world today ... that is to be expected for a human being facing this.].

Perhaps we would be a bit faster to get to a stage of acceptance, but (more than resigned acceptance or tolerant allowing) a true embracing of the situation. We might possibly even come to smile about it, enjoy it [depends on the person and the situation of the Zen practitioner, I imagine].

Now, in the case of a "life threatening' situation, I would expect the person to also go through similar stages, and I would not expect that person to react in some non-human way ... maybe sometimes, even MANY times, they might react in ways that non-Zen practitioners would not [such as being faster to shrug off the situation, or even laugh about and enjoy it], but I would not demand such stellar behavior from them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Perhaps, however, they could learn to embrace and allow and even enjoy!! the situation fully, all while doing whatever medical care needs to be done.

That is my thought, having been through a couple of losses myself.

My first Zen Teacher at Soji-ji, many years ago, Azuma Ikuo Roshi lost his wife. One day, soon after, as we talked about it, I foolishly asked him how he reacted to his wife's death (expecting some Zen Master-like answer). What he said was, "I was sad. I cry." I was surprised at this, and asked why a Zen Master could cry in the face of death. He said, "I cry, because wife die."

Gassho, Jundo

[Keishin]

Hello Jundo:

The question was:

Quote:
What advice would you give regarding zazen practice for someone facing a life-threatening illness? Accepting impermanence is easy to do when one is healthy. But when faced with the ultimate reality, our confidence deserts us and we lose faith in the words that gave us strength. (But they were just words, anyway.)


gassho,
Keishin

[Jundo]

Hello Keishin,

Perhaps I do not understand the question. I am sorry. Do you mean what I would tell someone with a life threatening illness who would come to me asking how to practice Zazen?

I guess I would say something like, "just sit" without expectations, do not try to change anything about your Zazen or about your physical situation. If you cannot sit due to your condition, recline. If you are in pain, be in pain. If you are feeling not in pain, be without pain.

It is not very much different from the advise I would give to someone who is not ill.

Let me know if I still miss the point of your asking.

Gassho, Jundo

P.S.- Life, of course, is constantly a 'life threatening' situation for all of us. Our Zen practice includes our coming to terms with that.

[Don Niederfrank]

I've found greater acceptance of my mortality in sitting. Well, greater acceptance of any, really. Somehow paying attention to what is 15" in front of me keeps me from fearing tomorrow. I spent a long time feeling sad about the fact that I can't enjoy this life forever. I emailed a nearby Buddhist priest about this. She told me, as best I remember, "Of course."

There is a mindfulness, a greater appreciation of each day and each relationship, that often comes to those who are dying.

The fear and saddness that accompany attachment to life, loves and our favorite pair of shoes are the fear and saddness that accompany our attachment to... Ignorance lies in increasing attachment and in being attached to things of no worth.

I think sitting loosens our grip. Maybe someday our hand opens. And then, of course, our heart as well.

[Keishin]

Hello Jundo:
Thank you for both your answers, and I really appreciate your patience with me in taking it back to square one. This question just cuts right to the beating heart of the matter--these words we use (well, what else can we--especially when on computer--unless we can send each other amazing photos like the one Mensch took of that Buddha in a shop window on a rainy Monday--or the cartoonish drawing of carrots in total fright--(I believe that was courtesy of PaxAnimi?)). These words we use--when we are beyond the reach of words, what do we have? How can we be reached?
If we only have confidence and faith when we are healthy, then maybe we don't have confidence or faith--we just have health!
Maybe this is the first real opportunity for this questioner--here at the deep end of the pool--to be steadfast with themself, to be with themself no matter what. Isn't this after all what we do in zazen?

Your postscript "Life, of course, is constantly a 'life threatening' situation for all of us." just sparkled for me.

And Rev. Don: I concur with you in finding 'greater acceptance of my mortality in sitting.'

Thank you both.

gassho,
Keishin

[kirkmc]

Without sounding presumptuous, let me reply to the question, because I am sort of in that situation. I have a neurological condition, which, while not officially "life-threatening", could become so at any time. This appeared two years ago today, in fact, and changed my life greatly.

First, I went through all the stages that Jundo mentioned, aside from denial. I didn't really have much anger, though there was some resentment that doctors, over the years, didn't see my symptoms and go further to discover the real cause. But they are only human, and medical technology has improved greatly; in my case, they wouldn't have found what I have the first time I had symptoms (about 25 years ago).

I didn't really bargain, because I don't have the kind of deadline someone would have with, say, terminal cancer. But, I did quickly realize that, as I think Thich Nhat Hanh says in one of his books, "we are all terminally ill". We will all die.

What I've done is try and rearrange my life accordingly - I can no longer work full-time, but fortunately I don't have monetary worries, having decent disability insurance. I have tried to spend more time doing things I want to, in particular writing fiction, something I've wanted to do for a long time. I have also devoted a fair amount of time to helping others with the same condition, via a patients' advocacy association.

When all is said and done, my life is more or less as it was. This problem did prompt me to get back into sitting, and the timely appearence of Tree Leaf was another thing that helped me there. When sitting, I don't think about the time I have left being more or less than before; I try not to think about time. I guess if I did have a deadline - say only a few months to live - it would be different. But ideally we should all live as though we only had a few months, even a few weeks to live.

Kirk

[wills]

Jundo's advice of "Just sit" is probably best. If confronted with the question of "why?" I'd probably answer "because you aren't dead."

It reads rather cold in print, but it is not an easy subject to tackle even for the wisest of men. Like the original post said, it is easy to accept our mortality when we are healthy. It is also easy to wax poetic on the subject of death, but what do the living truly know of being dead?

For all of us "death approaches rapidly".

[will]

Transciences is what life is. Things come and they go. You come and you go. People come and they go. Experiences come and they go.

Every moment is a chance to be reborn into the vast experience of your life. Why spend time worrying about death when you are not dead. Death is something that happens, but up until that point you only have your experience and your life right now.

There are things we would like to do with our life ie. write fiction novels, but these things that we want to do shouldn't be attachments and why feel remorse about these things if we don't achieve them? They are enjoyable maybe, but they are transient. You have the chance to feel your experience right now. Sometimes we forget this. That is why teachers are good to have around. hehe :-) but we are all teachers.

[Don Niederfrank]

It has helped to understand my attachment as pointing to appreciation. IOW, going from "I wish I could have this forever" to "Now. Joy."

[will]

Nice :-)