Practicing Zen when also a busy parent

[Joyo]

I've been thinking about this for awhile, but was hesitant to post because I always find it hard to talk about myself. But, I'd really like others' perspectives about this.

Does anyone else find it hard to find the balance between practice and parenting? I haven't even looked at the last chapter in our book club book Opening the Hand of Thought. I find it really hard to make it to Friday evening zazenkai or other events here. Because of these things, I often feel like I am not doing enough.

I do sit one or two times each day, and rarely (if ever) miss a day. To be honest, I do have some time to myself, but as a busy parent, I often just want to watch tv, or paint a picture, or take my dog for a walk---something to unwind from the stress and responsibilities (and the many wonderful moments too) by the end of the day.

How do other parents balance practice with work, laundry, kids, soccer games, etc. etc. etc.? (and I do know that all things are practice, and parenting is no different, I'm talking more about making commitments to online zazenkai, sitting on g+, reading Zen books...that sort of thing)

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Gukan]

Does anyone else find it hard to find the balance between practice and parenting?

Of course. Of course! And I just wanted to answer that for now so you'd know it wasn't just you (it's every parent, surely?) - but I can't write more because (funnily enough) I am parenting a kid with a vomiting bug. I missed sitting with Jundo and my last two zazenathon sits have been fractured - and a little pukey if I'm honest - and and I feel kinda bad about life and kids getting in the way, even though "all things are practice and parenting is no different', as you rightly say.

Until then, I look forward to seeing other people's thoughts on this

Gassho,
Libby

sattoday, in a haze of disinfectant

[Joyo]

Thank you, Libby. I really appreciate what you posted here! The reason I finally had the courage to post this is that I wanted to sit with Jundo last night, but I was busy dealing with my son. This is another topic, but he is a wonderfully, challenging little boy with a huge heart. He has many symptoms of ADHD and we are looking into getting a diagnosis soon. Anyway, like I said, this is another topic, but my life was very busy, so I was not able to sit, and by the time my house was quiet I sat alone for awhile, but I felt like a failure----that once gain I was unable to participate the way I'd like to.

One thing I often do, is listen to Zen videos while cleaning the house or cooking. Just a suggestion for anyone else.


Gassho,
Joyo
sat today
(and I'll admit, often when I sit in the morning, I am interrupted by a little voice begging to use my computer)

[Kyotai]

Id like to say for starters, thank you for posting your thoughts on this Joyo, as I feel exactly the same way at times. I also started a thread on the subject twice but couldn't put into words how I felt. I have been working through this for quite a while myself.

To answer you directly, yes, I find it really difficult. I feel that I should be contributing more to forums, or reading the latest chapter ( I have not finished the last chapter, in fact moved on to Warners book). I also have not participated in a full zazenkai in a long time. (Any friday nights off I try to spend with the wife)....and to be honest, I have some guilt of not doing more charity work as of lately.

But.....it is a balance. Family life, personal time, work, zen studies...I believe that if I focused more on participating in every zazenkai, and reading every book, and following every single forum post, that other parts of my life would have to suffer...which may lead to strain and falling out of that balance.

I believe if you are striking a balance that works for you, which includes daily zazen practice, then that IS enough. I think maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself and trying to live up to what you think you SHOULD be doing. You are a great mom, doing the best you can to balance it all. Just keep doing that. We finish each post on trealeaf with "Sat Today"

"Sat Today" sometimes is enough.

Thank you for your practice.

Gassho, Kyotai
Sat Today

[Jishin]

Hi Joyo,

I practice by being selfish. I must practice. Fortunately I have an understanding and supportive family that picks up the slack.

Gasho, Jishin, _/st\_

[Ryo Do]

Thank you so much for bringing that topic up!
Being a "late" father (my daughter was born when I was 47 and she's just turned 5), I often feel lacking the strength and energy I had when I was younger, especially not getting enough sleep (which has been the usual state of affairs these last five years) comes really hard for me now.
Since my daughter has a very light sleep, I had to give up morning sits altogether because she would inevitably wake up too. Also, I stopped attending sesshin in brick and mortar zendos because I just felt too exhausted to manage a weekend or even a week of "real" zen practice - and, as you all have said, that's the worst part of it, the feeling that I'm not really practicing the way it's supposed to be.
But then, yes, that's a lot of "shoulds" and feelings of guilt and inadequacy, which is really not what zen is about.
Furthermore, I'm struggling with serious bouts of depression, which often is about the same things PLUS the feeling to fail to be a good father and spouse also...
So, I just had to change my standards if I wanted to survive - sit at least once a day, remember the presence various times during the day, that is what I CAN do and that's what I'm focusing on now.
Sorry for writing so much, but this subject is really close to my heart.

Gassho
Ryo Do who sat today

[Tb]

Hi.

Yes its all good practice, but as far as i know we can't split ourselves, so we have to prioritize.
There is a choice on which path our practice takes, none of them are bad, but there is a choice.
Sometimes we choose, sometimes someone else chooses, sometimes we have no choice at all...

Nevertheless, no matter which choice we make, we do the best we can.

Now, as you know i have a hectic life, made even more hectic with Noah but made even more hectic with an new job who steals more off my time and effort..
One of the hardest things of having a life that means i sometimes has to prioritize means i have to "disappoint" friends as i have to prioritize away things that they want done as i have to do other things first. I do the best i can always, but its not always enough.
Now, as to how i deal with things like reading, sewing, writing, meditating?
One at a time.
I let the things be done when they are ready. A good "doing" should be like a tune, but played seriously. Not tense, but ready. Ready for whatever may come. And when there is an opportunity, I do not play. It plays all by itself.
That, and also a good, supportive family, stubborness, late nights and lack of sleep.

Thank you all for your practice.

Mtfbwy
Fugen

#Sat2day

[Shugen]

Hi Joyo,

Great advice here! What helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed is to try and remember that it's not always going to be the way it is now. Nothing is permanent. Words like "never" or "always" don't help me. Flexibility is key. Some weeks, things work well. Some weeks, things don't work well. It's exactly like sitting - some days it's all blue skies, some days it's all clouds. But to quote someone, it's all good practice.

Gassho,

Shugen

#sattoday


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[Daitetsu]

Hi Joyo,

Everyone is in a different situation, so there is no patent remedy that works in any case.

I just made the decision to give my daughter priority over practice. Always. Because as a freelancer I already have to balance work and life.
I have learned to be less demanding with regards to my practice. E.g. 20 mins zazen is always possible - I don't have a fix time for that, I do it mostly at night when all are asleep, or in the morning when my daugther is in school.
In the past I used to read 2 - 3 books per week. Nowadays, I am content with reading 30 mins in the evening.

So by letting go of my ambitions concerning practice, I also let go of a bad conscience for doing "not enough" for it.
And sometimes there is still time for more, and that's a nice bonus.
I also focus on practice in everyday life - you already mentioned that yourself.

I also have a niece and a nephew, and I remember well how things were when they were born. Today they are 18 and 22 years old, respectively. And I was shocked how fast time flew by.
I know very well that the day will come my daughter prefers playing with her friends instead of me. When she does not want to cuddle anymore. When she prefers to be alone.
When this day comes (and it WILL come for sure), it will be pretty hard for me. However, until that day comes I swore to myself to use every opportunity to spend time with her.

So my humble advice is to reduce demands with regards to your practice, for one day you will have more time for it anyway (and then you won't be able to turn back time to spend more time with your child).
You cannot buy time.

Sounds all pathetic, I guess, but that's me.

On a more practical side, I can only recommend Leo Babauta's books and blog:
http://zenhabits.net/archives/

He is not a Zen Buddhist as the name of the blog might suggest, but there is some really useful stuff to find. AFAIR this guy has five (!) children and he writes from this perspective.

Anyways, hope you found this useful.

Gassho,

Daitetsu

#sat2day

[Bokusei]

Thank you Joyo,

You echo my thoughts. I have two young girls (2 1/2 and 8months) and I find it very hard to do more anything more formal than sit for 15 - 20 mins a day. Even that is tricky as even though I get up an hour earlier than I 'need' so I can practice zazen, they frequently wake up just as I'm about to sit. In the evenings I'm so knackered (bit of British slang for you there) zazen is basically a battle to stay awake.

There is no way I can take the the time to join the zazenkai. Like you, I listen to Dharma talks and the Treeleaf podcast when I cook dinner most nights and read a little before sleep.

I too feel like I am not formally engaged with the practice as much as I would like. But as far as I'm concerned the point of Buddhism is not to sit, or chant or read dharma books but to live life as awake as possible. These are tools to help realise this. I know this could be seen as contradicting the 'sit for it's own sake' essence of zazen, but I don't feel it is. When I sit, I do so without the hope of attaining anything, but I 'follow' Zen Buddhism to live a more aware life. Obviously I am a million miles away from achieving that, but every passing moment offers an opportunity to strive for achieving that ideal. That is the real practice.

Just my opinion.

Gassho

Bokusei

Actually managed to sit twice today for once



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[Jakuden]

Oh Joyo, I can't give you much good advice unfortunately because what I practice with the most are probably feelings of guilt, frustration, and unworthiness. Once the kids came along, I always seemed to feel like there wasn't ever enough time to do anything "right" including parenting. My entire family and myself have ADHD, seriously, so it feels sometimes like we are the most disorganized, dysfunctional family on the planet... I tend to practice really hard and well for awhile, then fall off into working hard at my business for awhile, in between always trying to stay caught up on what's going on with my kids, etc. Nothing ever feels really in balance, but I try not to let anything completely disappear off the radar. Even when practice is "sidelined" a bit, meaning I'm not making the Zazenkai or keeping up with the reading or whatever, I am definitely practicing the eightfold path as best I can and getting in my sits every day. It is what it is! I do know you won't ever regret a minute you spend with your kids, regardless of whether it sidelines practice or anything else you need to do... Treeleaf is always here with its discussions and recorded sits... but the moments with the kids will pass and not always come again. Anyway, you are a great Mom to your boys and are always here for us on the forum, I always feel your presence... I'm sure you will have more time to become involved if you wish when they get older (and then there will be Treeleaf's 20th anniversary Zazenathon!)

Sorry about the long jumbled post, hope it makes some sense.

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday

[Rich]

It all goes by so fast anyway so just slow down and be present for whatever. I remember when my children were growing up I sat once a day early in the morning before work but there were gaps. We just keep beginning again and muddle through. It's ok, this is not a competition.

SAT today

[Mp]

What helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed is to try and remember that it's not always going to be the way it is now. Nothing is permanent. Words like "never" or "always" don't help me. Flexibility is key. Some weeks, things work well. Some weeks, things don't work well. It's exactly like sitting - some days it's all blue skies, some days it's all clouds. But to quote someone, it's all good practice.

Hey there Joyo,

Thank you for stepping out and sharing, you gave asked a great question. There is some wonderful advice here and much better then I could give, but I do like what Shugen had to say. Be patient and kind with yourself and know you are doing the best you can with what you have - balance will come and show the efforts of your hard work and practice. =)

Gassho
Shingen

s@today

[Joyo]

Thank you everyone. This sounds all mushy but your posts are all very precious to me.

I'm going to spend the evening enjoying my kids tonight and that will be my practice for now.

They are getting older, my 10-yr-old told me he doesn't want me to sit beside him anymore while he falls asleep (this is something I have done on and off ever since he was a newborn) Made me sad, but also made me realize I need to relax and enjoy more.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Getchi]

Awesome thread and wonderful concept! I'll contribute more when my kids are asleep

As far as your son, he doesn't know what he wants, none of us do lol. I'm sure hell ask you to sit with him but less frequently. I'm going through the same thing ATM with bedtime singing

One thing that helps me is Dogens Immo. To be a person of the Now, be a person OF now. Like Fugen said "you can't split yourself", I tink that's what we are all here to "remember", yes?

Also we can't know what time actually is. As the present doesn't "go to" the past and the future is never now, they can only be concepts. Just one loooong "now". I think maybe we confuse the labels of time and space, we all progress through space from "here" to "there" but time is the actual "stuff" of the universe.

So what we do as parents is extra potent, we see our most cherished people grow we cannot deny that our entire life up to now is in this second as memory and that an getting older can actually let us feel our youth

Anyway, lots of words to say support your doubt with compassion for everyone, self included, and enjoy this one unique experience that ends all too soon xxx


Geoff
SatToday


Please feel more then welcome to correct my barbarian thinking, its how we grow

[Dainin]

Hi Joyo,

Another one here who can relate to what you and others have written. I have two young boys (12 and 9). The younger one is on two soccer teams that take up 5 days a week and the oldest takes a Saturday morning cooking class. Besides my day job as a schoolteacher, I often teach college courses at night. So, like you and other parents here, my wife and I are pulled in many directions. But, I wouldn't change it for the world; it's all part of my practice.

As I write this it's 3:30 am. I was exhausted when I came home from work today and took a very long nap. My 12 year old just got up to get a glass of water and asked if I was ever going to bed. Luckily it's Saturday, but I need to take one boy to soccer and my wife will take the other to cooking! It's all good; I'll still be able to sit my time for our 10th Anniversary today!

In the past I romanticized being a cloistered monk, "away from the world", but I always felt called to fatherhood, and it's the most enriching part of my life. While I realize as an adult that my father did his best and I am grateful for him for much, he really was not part of my life as much as I wished. I always promised myself I'd be really present for my children, and so far I have been pretty faithful to that vow. My practice feeds my parenting and vice versa. Otherwise, what's the use?

I don't know why, but I just thought of one my favorite Zennie quotes, “If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.” It's okay if we don't have it all down and figured out (I never will!). Whatever we're doing, including being parents, just do it as best as we can with what we have. If we strive for this... not too bad!

Gassho,
Dainin

SatToday

[Heisoku]

Hi Joyo, Always make time for your children, they are not that way for long, as others have said. Daitetsu is right, don't make not practising because you are caring a reason for having a conscience about it. I know this feeling and it is silly. Everything is zen and practice, as you know. Remember to care greatly for yourself first, despite the tiredness, your bodymind knows what it really needs. You are an inspiration to all those bringing up children and practising through your openness and care.
Take care. Gassho,
Heisoku
Sat today.


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[martyrob]

Hi Joyo,

I have three teenage sons. They can be a challenge. Both my wife and I work full-time and I do about four hours voluntary work a week for a suicide helpline. Often my voluntary work gets in the way of family life, the mantra there is; family always comes first. But it's not always that easy. It's the same with sitting. So as a consequence I feel a failure as parent, as a volunteer and as a Buddhist. Practice has taught me that that's just a feeling, so I let that feeling of failure get on with itself and I get on with doing the best I can.
I have only sat one four hour zazenkai right the way through since I started here and that's because the wife and kids were away. The best I can manage is two hours. My wife would go ape if she felt, on a precious day off, I was sat on my arse for four hours (as she'd see it) while she had to get on with all the house work, kids etc. And she'd have a point.
So I try the best that I can and suffer the feeling that I'm not good enough.

Thank you for this thread.

Wishing you all well.

Martyn.

Sat today.

[Meian]

I have a 17 year old daughter and an 11 year old daughter with Aspergers and apraxia. And I work. And I'm in school for medical coding. And my chronic health issues.

I consider it a good day if I can sit for 5-10 minutes. Usually I do this on the fly - I suddenly realize I can sit for a few minutes, so I sit wherever i am. I wish I could participate in more sits, and I would love to do the book club, but I think i am a limited member because of my limited practice. I consider myself a Buddhist with a chaotic life.

Not sure if that helps, but i can definitely relate on many levels. Thanks for sharing - now I know I'm not the only one

Gassho,
Kim
Will sit later

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[Jundo]

I have a 17 year old daughter and an 11 year old daughter with Aspergers and apraxia. And I work. And I'm in school for medical coding. And my chronic health issues.

I consider it a good day if I can sit for 5-10 minutes. Usually I do this on the fly - I suddenly realize I can sit for a few minutes, so I sit wherever i am. I wish I could participate in more sits, and I would love to do the book club, but I think i am a limited member because of my limited practice. I consider myself a Buddhist with a chaotic life.

Not sure if that helps, but i can definitely relate on many levels. Thanks for sharing - now I know I'm not the only one

Gassho,
Kim
Will sit later

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5 minutes is more than enough if one sits completely forgetting time and completely with what is, including your children and all your life.

But if you can sometimes once in awhile make it 10 minutes or 15 minutes or 20 minutes or more ... well, that's good too!

Gassho, Jundo

SatToday

[Jundo]

Hi Joyo,

I have three teenage sons. They can be a challenge. Both my wife and I work full-time and I do about four hours voluntary work a week for a suicide helpline. Often my voluntary work gets in the way of family life, the mantra there is; family always comes first. But it's not always that easy. It's the same with sitting. So as a consequence I feel a failure as parent, as a volunteer and as a Buddhist. Practice has taught me that that's just a feeling, so I let that feeling of failure get on with itself and I get on with doing the best I can.
I have only sat one four hour zazenkai right the way through since I started here and that's because the wife and kids were away. The best I can manage is two hours. My wife would go ape if she felt, on a precious day off, I was sat on my arse for four hours (as she'd see it) while she had to get on with all the house work, kids etc. And she'd have a point.
So I try the best that I can and suffer the feeling that I'm not good enough.

Thank you for this thread.

Wishing you all well.

Martyn.

Sat today.

Family does not come first. Family does not come last. Family is our Practice, our Monastery.

Sit a few minutes here, a few minutes there and approach wife and work and kids and suicide helpline with the same heart-mind as Zazen. They are "not seated" Zazen when known as so.

Gassho, J

SatToday

[Daitetsu]

Hi Kim,

I wish I could participate in more sits, and I would love to do the book club, but I think i am a limited member because of my limited practice.

There is no such thing like a "limited member". Everyone is the same.
With your schedule most people would not even bother to practice at all! So kudos to all busy people who practice - even if it's just for a few minutes a day.
And let's not forget, that while someone might not have much time for formal practice, there are loads of opportunities to make every day life your practice.
Actually, that's what Zen is about - life!

Gassho,

Daitetsu

#sat2day

[Jundo]

I don't know why, but I just thought of one my favorite Zennie quotes, “If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are.” It's okay if we don't have it all down and figured out (I never will!). Whatever we're doing, including being parents, just do it as best as we can with what we have. If we strive for this... not too bad!

Gassho,
Dainin

SatToday

In the Ceremonies learned in a Monastery, one tries to do them perfectly. They are never perfect. Nevertheless one tries, sincerely but with a relaxed heart.

Gassho. J

SatToday

[Kaishin]

Joyo, absolutely! You are sitting every day and that's the essential practice. We are busy lay people, not monks! I go through periods where I am very active on zazenkai sessions, then go through very fallow periods. It's like a pendulum sometimes: some weeks I just want to walk away from the practice entirely; other weeks I want to head off to a cave and sit for nine years straight. That's normal for me--I don't think I'll ever have a consistent practice, at least not while I'm a busy family man (maybe never).

It just depends on the circumstances of life. Hobbies and "down time" are important too, but I understand the guilt that comes from indulging in those instead of "zen stuff."

So, don't be so hard on yourself. I say this as someone who is often very hard on myself, and that's no help! It can be too easy to supportive and forgiving of others, but not ourselves, and we need to do more of the latter.

--(did not sit in the last 24 hours but felt compelled to be supportive and post - I'm not perfect so don't sue me!)

[Joyo]

Thank you everyone Thank you, Kaishin, for the encouragement. I am very hard on myself in all aspects of my life, it's one thing I'm trying to be aware of and learn to relax more.

Someone mentioned here that when their kids were younger they had a goal to sit for 20 min. a day. I've been doing that, instead of pressuring myself to sit 2x each day I just decided that for 20 to 30 min a day (whenever it works on that particular day) I will sit. It has been way less pressure for me that way. I've also cut back on my work schedule a lot----less money, more time.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Gukan]

Oops, look at that, by the time I got round to answering everyone had already said it all

Thank you for the thread. I guess we're all just trying to muddle through the best we can.

Gassho,
Libby
sattoday

[Byokan]

... How do other parents balance practice with work, laundry, kids, soccer games, etc. etc. etc.? (and I do know that all things are practice, and parenting is no different, I'm talking more about making commitments to online zazenkai, sitting on g+, reading Zen books...that sort of thing)

Hi All,

A very deep bow to you parents, I don’t know how you do it! I don’t have kids. So my two cents is only worth maybe 1/100th of a cent here. I just want to say, hey, give yourself a break, Moms and Dads, you're awesome...

Sincerity of practice is what counts, isn’t it? Not the hours on the cushion or the number of pages read. When the time is right for more sitting you will know, and when the conditions are right for more in-depth reading and study you will do that. But more is not necessarily better, or always appropriate, and I think quality is more important than quantity. So, if all you have time for today is 5 minutes to sit or to read, do that 5 minutes with all your heart and mind and presence. Don’t waste your 5 minutes on guilt and perfectionism and craving for more; give those 5 minutes to your practice completely and joyously. Be sincere, be as consistent as you can... and for gosh sake, be kind to yourself. Moderation, consistency, and self-compassion is not only good for your own practice and sanity, but sets a great example for the kidz as well.

Gassho
Byōkan
sat today

[Getchi]

Hi All,

A very deep bow to you parents, I don’t know how you do it! I don’t have kids. So my two cents is only worth maybe 1/100th of a cent here. I just want to say, hey, give yourself a break, Moms and Dads, you're awesome...

Sincerity of practice is what counts, isn’t it? Not the hours on the cushion or the number of pages read. When the time is right for more sitting you will know, and when the conditions are right for more in-depth reading and study you will do that. But more is not necessarily better, or always appropriate, and I think quality is more important than quantity. So, if all you have time for today is 5 minutes to sit or to read, do that 5 minutes with all your heart and mind and presence. Don’t waste your 5 minutes on guilt and perfectionism and craving for more; give those 5 minutes to your practice completely and joyously. Be sincere, be as consistent as you can... and for gosh sake, be kind to yourself. Moderation, consistency, and self-compassion is not only good for your own practice and sanity, but sets a great example for the kidz as well.

Gassho
Byōkan
sat today

That is just beautifully said

And if we feel like were in need of more education, work through the video series of basics, past dharma talks and podcasts. Everything is available and I'm grateful for it.


Geoff.
SStToday.

[Jundo]

Hi Parents (just dropped the 5 year old off at Kindergarten),

I am reading a wonderful Japanese manga comic series now from about 20 years ago about daily life as a monk in a Soto monastery. Let's just say that they have their own problems (many involving girlfriends) as one might expect in putting a bunch of 20 year old men together for a couple of years. Imagine "Buddha meets college dorm meets football locker room meets marine boot camp" ... Here is the scene where another monk gets revenge on some other monk by eating the fried chicken the second monk snuck into the place ...



Just like when Janice from Accounting eats your lunch yogurt in the office fridge although your name was clearly on it!

Here is a scene from the movie they made from it (Fancy Dance, great if you can find it) where the main characters girlfriend sneaks in for a quick visit ...



Why am I mentioning this? They have their own stresses, interpersonal relationships, tough obligations, lack of sleep, financial concerns, problems with the opposite sex. The temple and all those ceremonies is their JOB!

Here at Treeleaf, please do not think that the monastery is the place to "get away from life." It is just another life. Also, do not think that your work and family is "not the monastery." It can be if we see it right.

I am going to be redoing the beginners video series (don't worry, the blender stays! ) I want to reorganize it and have it a bit clearer on the basics, philosophy of sitting explained after. However, I will do more to include the perspective that "Life Is Our Temple" ... changing a diaper is a Sacred Ceremony, cooking and cleaning is cooking and cleaning wherever done and for whom.

Understand?

Don't ever ever ever ever ever EVER EVER EVER .... think that "family work and life" takes you away from Zazen. All is Zazen!

Please be sure to catch this wonderful reminder today ...

http://www.treeleaf.org/forums/showt...l=1#post177085

Gassho, Jundo Dad

SatToday

[KellyRok]

Hi Joyo and all,

I've read this thread so many times wanting to post something vaguely helpful...but alas, I came up with nothing. Which makes me realize that I'm so far from figuring this balance thing out. Sometimes life seems to flow nicely, all things in place - time for sitting, time for kids and husband, all the time in the world to do household chores, work life in balance. And then the next moment, we wonder how we simply get out of bed in the morning amidst the chaos.

But please know that in asking these questions, it means you are doing it right. You are doing the best you can moment by moment. It's okay to let formal practice slide sometimes, because as is our way - all of life is our practice. I wish I could just sit around all day and read every recommended book on our reading list. I wish I could go to every zazenkai and sit live (which I have yet to do once and I've been around here a while). I wish I was a perfect parent and wife. Sometimes I wish I could find a job that would still allow me to be there for my kids after school, have my sparkling clean house, and extra money to go on those family vacations we dream of. But I've realized that life is more about letting go...mainly of the notions that we have to be all things to everyone and have every item in our life in order.

Always question if there is something you could do better. But more importantly, also acknowledge all the things you are already doing right, right now.

Take care all,
Kelly/Jinmei
sattoday

[Rich]

When I commuted over an hour each way I practiced just driving zazen.

Sat today

[Kaishin]

Jundo, great to hear that you'll be "revisioning" the beginner vids! I very much look forward to them.

-satToday & always beginning again

[Joyo]

Good morning, everyone. I am very glad I took the leap and posted this topic here. Thank you all for posting and helping.

I was speaking with my dear friend and our sangha member awhile ago, Shingen, about zazen. He brought up this "sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself." Even though he wasn't directly speaking about parenting, we do know that "all of life is zazen" so it does apply to this topic. As parents, we have to have a certain amount of control, or let's face it, all hell breaks loose. Kids get hungry, we need to always make sure there is food in the house, kids need clean clothes, and help with schoolwork, and the list, as we all know, goes on and on. These things don't get accomplished by sitting and thinking the grass is going to grow all by itself. And, yet, after reading the comments here, and thinking about the quote Shingen brought up, there can be a certain level of stillness, of letting go and just embracing life as it is, even among the endless parenting tasks.

Kelly, you brought up wanting to have a clean sparkly house. I've strived for that for years. I grew up on a huge farm where the yard, house and barn were perfectly immaculate. I'm learning to let this perfectionism go. I will never live in a dirty, unorganized house, but there are dust bunnies in my house right now; the place is far from perfection and I don't like it, but it's part of my daily practice. I remind myself that this is my "grass hut, where there is nothing of value" =)

I will just end this with a lesson from Dogen, one that hits close to my heart today as I found out a (very old) lady that I knew passed away yesterday.....

Let me respectfully remind you,
Life and death are of supreme importance
Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.
Each of us should strive to awaken...awaken, take heed.
This night your days are diminished by one.
Do not squander your life. --Dogen

Thank you, Dogen, and everyone, for your compassion and wisdom.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat yesterday and will sit again today

[Dainin]

Don't ever ever ever ever ever EVER EVER EVER .... think that "family work and life" takes you away from Zazen. All is Zazen!

Gassho,
Dainin

SatToday

[Seido]

Great advice and good words from all. As a new parent of a mere 2 moths and change, I've found new changeless and new rewards. Thanks for all of your experienced advice, it helps me to feel more at ease.

If I may quote Jundo when I told him of my baby's due date:
"Parenthood is wonderful. You real Practice begins now."

Gassho,
Seidō
SatToday

[Jakuden]

You real Practice begins now."

Ah yes that is such truth!! Congratulations and hoping you are all doing well!

Gassho,
Jakuden
SatToday

[Rich]

Good morning, everyone. I am very glad I took the leap and posted this topic here. Thank you all for posting and helping.

I was speaking with my dear friend and our sangha member awhile ago, Shingen, about zazen. He brought up this "sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself." Even though he wasn't directly speaking about parenting, we do know that "all of life is zazen" so it does apply to this topic. As parents, we have to have a certain amount of control, or let's face it, all hell breaks loose. Kids get hungry, we need to always make sure there is food in the house, kids need clean clothes, and help with schoolwork, and the list, as we all know, goes on and on. These things don't get accomplished by sitting and thinking the grass is going to grow all by itself. And, yet, after reading the comments here, and thinking about the quote Shingen brought up, there can be a certain level of stillness, of letting go and just embracing life as it is, even among the endless parenting tasks.

Kelly, you brought up wanting to have a clean sparkly house. I've strived for that for years. I grew up on a huge farm where the yard, house and barn were perfectly immaculate. I'm learning to let this perfectionism go. I will never live in a dirty, unorganized house, but there are dust bunnies in my house right now; the place is far from perfection and I don't like it, but it's part of my daily practice. I remind myself that this is my "grass hut, where there is nothing of value" =)

I will just end this with a lesson from Dogen, one that hits close to my heart today as I found out a (very old) lady that I knew passed away yesterday.....

Let me respectfully remind you,
Life and death are of supreme importance
Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.
Each of us should strive to awaken...awaken, take heed.
This night your days are diminished by one.
Do not squander your life. --Dogen

Thank you, Dogen, and everyone, for your compassion and wisdom.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat yesterday and will sit again today

Thanks Joyo. Great attitude and teaching.

SAT today

[Kaishin]

The house is a mess, and all is well.

[Joyo]

The house is a mess, and all is well.

I just got home from work. Yes, my house is a mess and it annoyed me. Thank you for the reminder that all is well.

Gassho,
Joyo
sat today

[Rick]

Great thread. Very, very interesting responses.

Gassho,
Rick
sat today

[Ongen]

I just thought to highlight this bit again a few days after Byokan posted it
Joyo, here's another parent dealing with the same stuff as every parent! Be sure to double check Byokans post here. I did, for sure

Gassho
Ongen
Sat Today

Hi All,

A very deep bow to you parents, I don’t know how you do it! I don’t have kids. So my two cents is only worth maybe 1/100th of a cent here. I just want to say, hey, give yourself a break, Moms and Dads, you're awesome...

Sincerity of practice is what counts, isn’t it? Not the hours on the cushion or the number of pages read. When the time is right for more sitting you will know, and when the conditions are right for more in-depth reading and study you will do that. But more is not necessarily better, or always appropriate, and I think quality is more important than quantity. So, if all you have time for today is 5 minutes to sit or to read, do that 5 minutes with all your heart and mind and presence. Don’t waste your 5 minutes on guilt and perfectionism and craving for more; give those 5 minutes to your practice completely and joyously. Be sincere, be as consistent as you can... and for gosh sake, be kind to yourself. Moderation, consistency, and self-compassion is not only good for your own practice and sanity, but sets a great example for the kidz as well.

Gassho
Byōkan
sat today

[Meian]

Oh ..... my house is usually varying degrees of messy - any attempts to tame it are undone within an hour.

Odd thing ...... my husband and teenage daughter went out to get shoes tonight. After they left, my calendar alerted me to a zazen session at 8:30pm. I thought, perfect timing! So I sat for 15 minutes, but could not respond "sat one way" because there was no listing? I seem to have received a non existent calendar notice. But, I sat anyway - which means i sat twice today for roughly 23 minutes! ! Possibly a record for me

Gassho,
Kim
Sat today

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk

[6yx]

I've got a full-time job and full-time family where I'm primary care-giver and house keeper, as my wife is a business owner and part-time teacher.

I'm so glad you posted this, because I'm super-terrible at being here, which recently my brain made pretty clear to me "practice zazen, and visit that online place we forgot what it's called. You need a little sanity."

When I have time to myself...like now-ish...I usually play a video game while riding a stationary bike, and then maybe 20 breaths. Which is better than nothing-ish.

It's come down to finding ways of pushing myself to find better ways to practice, and to be around.

Again, thanks for this post.

Chris

[Tb]

I've got a full-time job and full-time family where I'm primary care-giver and house keeper, as my wife is a business owner and part-time teacher.

I'm so glad you posted this, because I'm super-terrible at being here, which recently my brain made pretty clear to me "practice zazen, and visit that online place we forgot what it's called. You need a little sanity."

When I have time to myself...like now-ish...I usually play a video game while riding a stationary bike, and then maybe 20 breaths. Which is better than nothing-ish.

It's come down to finding ways of pushing myself to find better ways to practice, and to be around.

Again, thanks for this post.

Chris

Hi.

I can see where you're coming from as i myself currently work three jobs and got a new baby on board.

Now, pushing can be good, but be careful to do no more than life permits, and practice BEING AROUND as its all good practice and life is our temple.

Mtfbwy
Fugen

#Sat2day

[John Mac]

Really good post. Spot on for me, having two children and being self employed, I have experienced the same angst. Personally, I try to take the whole of my life as practice and when I can get away to sit or read some dharma, that's a time I really enjoy. I think we all suffer from this idea that we aren't doing enough and so we measure ourselves and set ourselves up to fail because we think we're somehow being slack or idle. The thing is, I think, is just to be authentically present and sane in our household activities without adding the stress of expectation.

[Daitetsu]

A good method when you have a messy house:
Invite people for the next day.
Works like a charm for me...

Gassho,

Daitetsu (who should invite someone for tomorrow, I guess)

#sat2day

[Gukan]

A good method when you have a messy house:
Invite people for the next day.
Works like a charm for me...

Oh so true. Or, as my friend does, hire a cleaner for an hour a week and spend the evening before frantically tidying up so the house is in a fit state to be cleaned

Gassho,
Libby
sattoday

[Mp]

A good method when you have a messy house:
Invite people for the next day.
Works like a charm for me...

Gassho,

Daitetsu (who should invite someone for tomorrow, I guess)

#sat2day

Nice! =)

Gassho
Shingen

s@today

[Troy]

Thank you Joyo for posting this and everyone for your responses. I can definitely relate. I have a 2 year old and 10 year old daughter. I took a new job in November that is two hours away from home where I am at work 11 hours a day 6 days a week. On my day off, I go home for the day and give Shellie a break from the kids which of course I love because I have not seen them all week. It may sound like I work a lot of hours but Shellie is busier than I am. She works 40hrs a week and takes care of the kids. Kids are a lot of work! Believe it.

I have the same feelings I think a lot of parents have: I am doing enough and am I doing it right? I believe if we are both mentally and emotionally available everything else will fall into place. That is what I strive for any way.

As far as practice is concerned I do my best. I try not to fight to hard against life. Sit when I can and accept every moment as practice. All of it the good, bad and the ugly, accept it and let it be. Its normal!


..sat2day•合掌

[Rich]

It makes me a little sad to read your story that a family has to work so much to survive. Almost like slavery with a little freedom to come and go or find a new master.