Sometimes you know how you have those “ah-ha” moments during practice? Or maybe you don’t, I don’t know, but I just have to write this because I had one, and it’s something I’ve been practicing with a lot, and I just thought it might be helpful.
I hate the cliche’ “The art of..”. It’s crappy, but a lot of life is an art. It’s an equal mix of logic and “feel”… of intuition. Life/practice is as much an art as a science, which makes it so damned interesting.
In any case, when I started this practice I was a Pratyeka Buddha; ok, I still am. lol I think it’s just par for the course. I think it brings a lot of us to this. If we weren’t looking for something, why the hell would we start doing this?
So as I hear from a lot of us in Treeleaf we start on the path intellectually…of voraciously trying to read every Buddhist book that has ever been written. I did that too, and eventually (after a year or so), I started actually getting my ass on the cushion and came here. Although I was practicing zen, it was still selfish. I didn’t really have any skin in the game yet.
Shortly after, I started chanting during Zazenkai. Ok zazenkai is weird, chanting is weird, but it’ll get me peace of mind right? So why not. Makes sense… sort of. Then the first line of the Bodhisattva vows, “To save all sentient beings..”
I didn’t know what kind of an impact that would have, but these Zen teachings, Jundo’s talks are very sneaky. You think you “get” it, then a few years later, “BAM”… Holy f-bombs. lol That’s where Im’ at now, and it’s probably common sense, and I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT THIS POST TO COME OFF AS LOOK AT ME, I”M SPECIAL; it’s quite the opposite intention. That’s not the point and, besides, these are Jundo’s teachings.. this is truth, this isn’t mine;. I wanted to get that out of the way because one of my habits is to build myself up, but that is not at all the intention of this.
Why I’m posting this is that these have been burning questions that I’ve had, and I figured maybe this could be of help to others who possibly struggle with the same questions.
So it’s been bothering me for a while, especially after listening to Jundo’s talk about being a Pratyeka Buddha. I just got frustrated; I simply don’t know how to give. I’ve been practicing selfishly and still do. I think this practice is like peeling back the layers of an onion — an imaginary onion, which is the imaginary self that we project to ourselves every minute of every day.
But zazen breaks us from this habit when we do it. I feel like I’ve been approaching it all wrong for a while now.. coming at it like how do I get peace of mind? And that really bothered me. I don’t want this practice to be another thing that I drop. It’s why I stay even when everyone here annoys the shit out of me and it’s the end of Ango and I hate chanting and don’t even know why I do this. hahahaha
It’s all about getting a crack in that fake projection. It’s about giving. It’s like we are giving our true selves to our self. I don’t have a better term for it. But it’s the best thing we can do.
I was recently reading one of the books Jundo recommended by Philip Coupey about the Fukanzazengi, where Dogen says “If we want to attain the matter of the ineffable, we should practice the matter of the ineffable at once.” That’s from Gudo Wafu Roshi’s Shobogenzo translation; I had to return Coupey’s book to the library.
In any case, that just resonated. Zazen and all of this stuff is not about getting anything; that’s why this is useless. It’s about giving, and that’s why this is the most useful useless thing that anyone could do. And that’s why it’s the most important thing we can do because it opens us up to living. And living is giving.
And that’s what’s also been bothering me —- giving. How the hell do I give? I mean when I first came on this idea of “saving all sentient beings”, I started thinking like someone with a savior complex, but that is shallow. That’s not it at all.
How do I give during every day mundane activities like brushing my teeth or shaving or showering or eating a meal? Aren’t those taking? Also if there is no separation from mundane and sacred, then how can I prove that?
As Dogen says, and I can’t remember where (I’m sorry) we are constantly giving and receiving. This is the ceaseless practice. But when we try to take and obsessively try to protect ourselves and separate ourselves, it’s killing our self. It’s destroying the joy in life. It’s continuing the cycle of inequality that is so prevalent in this country of ours. It’s making me avoid the homeless person, or the sick and dying person because they aren’t me, or why can’t they pick themselves up by their bootstraps and do something like me?
I’m no saint, believe me. I don’t know what the solutions are, but that is no excuse to do nothing. So how do I save all sentient beings?
First, I had a problem with ritual. I had a problem with Zen being too “Japanese” whatever that means. In turns out, what I really had a problem with was me. I still didn’t understand why things were done. To me the most important thing, to make this really genuine and in the marrow of my life is to understand why I do this practice. No matter how eloquent someone else’s answers are, they are not mine, so they cannot be my reason.
So I had to start questioning all the things I was doing with this practice; I mean aping the practice and the forms is the first step. But if it’s going to get deep and real, I need to have my answer why I do it. Otherwise, I’m taking and practicing zombie zen.
Anyway, this is when it hit me. We have to practice the forms. Now they didn’t have to be what they are, but they are part of the tradition so we still do them. And they are esoteric at first, but I think now they are very natural expression of the basis of being human.
And I was worrying about the form, when the crux of the matter is that we are all doing them together. We are doing the same thing together — it binds our practice as a sangha.
But still what else? When we sit down to zazen, we could just plop down. But no, we bow to our zafu/zabuton (or pillow or whatever), prep it a bit, make sure it is fluffy, turn clockwise, gassho again. Sit down, turn clockwise, face the wall. Hold gassho, bow after the bell rings, then sit zazen. Perhaps we light a candle by our Buddha statue.
What I thought was complete and utter nonsense is not that at all. It is giving. We are receiving so many benefits from this useless practice that we are bowing to a tool which helps us practice. We are bowing to the room which gives us shelter so that we may practice. We are bowing to the Buddha statue (which is a bow to all the ancestors and our sangha who influence me in more ways than I know). Today I bowed to my lamp, I bowed to my window blinds that both give me the precise amount of light I need. All these things support my life my practice. That is giving. That is giving gratitude to things which give to us.
And that is zazen in practice during life. Paying attention, very precisely to the things as they really are, instead of just assuming things are here to serve my agenda and being disappointed when they don’t.
When washing my hands, I started saying a gatha before during the last Ango. At first, I thought it was just nice to get me to pay attention, but then I thought.. no, it’s a way of giving myself fully to that activity, which in turn gives to the community by not spreading infection.
How is driving giving? It is giving life by driving safely and calmly. It’s reducing stress on the road by absorbing insults and not retorting with insults. It is by giving an example so that others can also drive calmly.
How is zazen giving? It is giving back by actually honoring the Buddha/also our teacher here Jundo, the Dharma/ those teachings that are being given and received and the Sangha/ all of us here at Treeleaf and all sentient beings. It provides an example. It allows us to break down the false barriers that cause us to live a shriveled up cold life and help us learn when to give and when to hold back and not offer anything (also important — I mean being a do-gooder is not Zen).
This is all a dance of giving. All of it. This is our sutra of giving. This zen practice is beautiful and it’s varied forms and methods are beautiful because they show us the joy of what we already have, not to covet, but so that we may be of benefit to others. So that we may give.
Chanting the vows, the verse of atonement, the Fukanzazengi, the Heart Sutra, the metta practice. This chanting is giving to our sangha to support each other; voices together are much stronger than a single voice. This chanting gives ourselves a framework to a healthier and happier way to exist, which sort of helps to transform us to make others lives much better.
Again, referencing the Fukanzazengi, giving is the real treasure house. This isn’t some treasure that you can use to buy a new car. This is a treasure to serve all of us together, which is our treasure, and which is the best treasure of all.
When the Buddha attained enlightenment, under the Bodhi tree, he proclaimed that everyone was enlightened because we have within us everything we need to give to each other so we can all live better, more fulfilled lives.
Gassho,
Risho
-sattoday
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Originally Posted by Risho
Thank you!
