I know I haven't said much around here lately, but I feel I get much more reading all of everyone's words and taking it all in. Watching the lessons and teachings from Jundo and Taigu and sitting with the recorded sessions on here is wonderful. And I look forward to participating in the study of the precepts and Jukai this year and perhaps talk with some of you even more.
I realized in my practice, even though I was not acknowledging it, that I was trying to "attain" something. I was trying to get to a "good" and "peaceful" place. I was trying to get this thing called enlightenment. I would tell myself:
"I am not trying to get these things, I am just going to practice, I am sitting here to sit Zazen and nothing more."
But in fact, through my practice and the quieting of these thoughts, or rather, acceptance of these thoughts, I found I was trying to get somewhere with our practice.
After this, I find practice as a expression of our true nature, not a practice used to get somewhere or to get something.
This wasn't something sudden. It has taken me many years of practice just to be truthful with myself and acknowledge the fact that I was chasing something with practice. For the first time in practice I found myself truly acknowledging these thoughts and letting them burn away. Suzuki Roshi words come to mind:
"Zazen practice is like walking in a fog; eventually your clothes get wet clear through."
I was hesitant about even writing about this, and just let all that be and continue practicing. But I guess I wanted to hear the words from the Sangha community about this.
I have to say for the first time in my life, even as I am typing this, I feel I am practicing in the moment and not trying to get somewhere. Or as Jundo has said, "Live gently."