Originally Posted by
Neo
Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate it. Just to clear something out, when I say that I'll try to fix my broken ego, I mean the western way, because that's what we do here (psychoanalysis etc). I know that in Buddhism there's no self to be fixed, rather dropping away of the self, broken or not. That's why people that suffered hard is more likely to take the 'spiritual path' compared to people who is raised in this society and has a 'working' ego.
I know my enemy is my self and, as you say Jundo, the crap that's inside my head that judges me, puts me down, all illusions. I don't know how to get to them, to make my 'soul' realize that it's just delusions created wrongly when I was little. It's dark ghosts that I live with every day, and they are affecting even my physical health as well. And you all say that zazen is the way to make me understand and, maybe not get rid of them, but to understand that it's only junk that don't need to have any impact on me?
Because I also know (or this is what i believe) that your thoughts create your reality. I believe in 'the law of attraction' somehow, it just makes sense to me. And right now, I'm attracting a lot of junk. Have anyone of you read James Allen, or maybe Neville Goddard? Maybe you can compare it with 'cultivating seeds' in the zen-training.
So yes, reading, even if I won't stop with it (because I enjoy reading) won't help me much with the dark pack of junk that I'm afraid of and is directing my life, giving me panic attacks etc. But zazen and 'facing my fears' in a practical way will (what else?), and I know it. It just feels so, scary... even though I know it's the only way to take 'control' of my life again. I live in a state of fear every day. I wish I could just see right through the illusions with all my knowledge, so they won't have any control over me anymore.
And finally. Fixing a broken ego can work to get a life that's, somehow livable, but in the movie 'the matrix', Neo takes the red pill, there's no way back. ... and also I have taken the red pill, I know it's no idea try to fix this ego, that I know is an illusion at the first place. 'ignorance is bliss', for some people, but I'm not ignorant and nor wish I to be.