ADD, Practice, Trying Without Trying - How do you do it?
I have ADD and it's immensely difficult for me to pay attention. In Jundo's first video in the Beginner Talks, there was a blender and it was very, very loud. That is my mind day in and day out and it's rarely quiet, no matter what I do. Some days, when I think about sad things, it usually slows down, so I sometimes intentionally think about sad things. When I'm happy, it gets really, really fast and excited and I lose track of many things, my body, my responsibilities etc. Right now, it's difficult to try and write what I want to say because my thoughts are moving by so fast and I have little time to recognize that they're even there, much less type them down.
Day in and day out, my life consists of great effort to try and pay attention and get the job done. I often have to go to great lengths of dialogues with myself to keep myself doing things I should be doing.
"Ben, you're doing so and so, now you're doing this, you should be doing that next... don't forget to do this, so and so"
Now my question is if there are other people there with ADD.... how do you practice everyday? Sitting is so difficult, mostly very boring.... can I keep my dialogue? I need some anchor... shikantaza is no anchor... this sense of I just gets thrown about like in a tornado and I end up as scattered as when I begin sitting. Breathing is sooooo boring as well. Should I just force myself?
But then forcing yourself, trying... how do I put in great, great effort without... putting any effort? This feels like a koan... how do I solve my koan? I can't do it sitting... right? or
I'm so confused and scattered...