I posted a lengthy intro in the new members thread, so I will try to keep this one short.

I started zen practice at a local zen center about 4 years ago. It was truly transformative. Things were going swimmingly and then they changed (as things do). About 2 1/2 yrs into my practice I got really, really, really sick.

(The following two paragraphs I copied and pasted from my new member post to save myself some typing as it's hard for me now physically)

Today my pain is better managed and I have regained many of my abilities, though at a lesser capacity. After coming through (what I hope is) the worst of the sickness I find myself struggling to get back into zen practice. It feels very rigid now. Also, I'm no longer able to sit on the zafu or go to the zendo-so without those tools/supports I am finding it hard to have any discipline. I think there might be some emotional stuff I'm resistant to "being with" too.

So, currently I'm not doing zazen. I have a spiritual practice now but it's very "loose". Part of that "looseness" is that it feels like that is what is appropriate due to my health and part of it is that I'm really resisting doing anything disciplined. Currently I meditate only whenever I feel like it (though I aspire to do it every day) and I meditate in any style that seems most pleasant at the moment (a lot of guided relaxation type stuff lately).

I do practice mindfulness throughout the day, but am really struggling to get back onto the cushion (for me the cushion has to be the bed). Really struggling to transition from my current "do whatever I like practice" to doing zazen again. If anyone has any suggestions, support, or anything else to share that might be helpful I would love to hear it!

Much gratitude-