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Thread: Parking lots vs. paradises

  1. #1

    Question Parking lots vs. paradises

    I am continuing the thought I introduced in another thread as a tangent:

    One thing dharma-wise that stands out to me now as these things are happening, is that I seem to have had a lot of "bad karma" (not the best term) in terms of living space, housing stability and comfort, things like that. Moving around a lot, places sub-standard or becoming infested with some creature, not ever having money to buy a house. Then there's the granddaddy of all my complaints...being (currently) in a region that I really dislike and feel miserable in.

    There must be some lesson in this...could I have your thoughts? I might start another thread about it.
    I should add that this has been my view at almost every phase -- everywhere I ended up, at some point I would think, "Gosh, I have had horrible luck with housing and places." Then I would try to get to...wherever else I could. It seems like my whole life has been that story playing over and over. If I think too much about it, I fall into the "why does this always happen to me" spiral, which I want to avoid.

    Now that a tiny bit of clarity is starting to peek through the fog I was in recently, I had the thought that this was somehow a lesson to teach me to detach from "place". But then I start thinking, "Ok, so if I start detaching from the idea of having a house/location I love...*then* can I have a house/location I love?"

    This is tricky for me to wrap my head around and navigate, so I would sure love to hear your thoughts.

    Gassho,
    Julia
    "The Girl Dragon Demon", the random Buddhist name generator calls me....you have been warned.

    Feed your good wolf.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by murasaki View Post
    Now that a tiny bit of clarity is starting to peek through the fog I was in recently, I had the thought that this was somehow a lesson to teach me to detach from "place". But then I start thinking, "Ok, so if I start detaching from the idea of having a house/location I love...*then* can I have a house/location I love?"
    Actually, that is pretty good!

    Be just where you are ... find the True Home that is where one sits ... accept all the imperfections ...

    ... yet try to have a nicer, greener, warmer place to live. All at once.

    Nobody wants to live in a rat hole, a prison dungeon, a pig sty (I am just reading a book about Jews in Poland, from a village close to where my grand parents came from, who spent WWII living in a pit dug under a barn). Living in noisy, dangerous, too hot or cold, bug infested conditions is not conducive to peace, health, practice. It is good to do your best to find a healthier, cleaner, quieter living situation (likewise with job, friends).

    Yet, hand in hand ... find that home which is always At Home wherever and whenever, even in a Concentration Camp!**

    I once wrote this ...

    Living our life is much like living in a house with a leaky roof, spiders and broken windows. In Master Dogen's way, we simply sit to drop all resistance to the house we have been living in all along, to realize that there is nowhere to 'go' in life, to cease all efforts to add to or take away from the structure, to let go of the ego's insisting on how things "should be" in order for the house to be "good" ... we ARE that house, our True Home! In the most intimate sense, the house and floors, dust and spiders, parlor and pantry and us ... all One. Then we find, in dropping that resistance, that the house we have always been in is "perfectly what it is", and we can be joyful right where we are. HOWEVER, we can be content with that house even as, hand in hand, there is still much serious repair work to do (an acceptance-without-acceptance of the leaky windows, spiders and creaky doors). There is nothing to prevent our fixing those, even as we accept their existence! We can accept and not accept simultaneously, repair what needs to be repaired.

    We have goals for repair even as, on the other "track", we drop all goals and thoughts of repair.
    Could you image living in a wooden monastery in old Japan, in the cold and snow, no heaters or lights, modern plumbing, little privacy, mosquitoes in summer?

    Gassho, J

    ** PS - A bit off topic, but reminds me of this lovely-powerful book by Victor Frankl ...

    http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Me.../dp/080701429X
    Last edited by Jundo; 04-24-2013 at 02:43 AM.
    ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

  3. #3
    Hi.

    yes, what we are talking about here is trishna/tanha, commonly known as thirst.
    you want something, something other than what you already have, an analogy that springs to mind is that the grass is greener on the other side of the river...

    in my mind i say, not always so, the grass is as green on this side if you just let it.
    if you "just let go off" the "i want" and see that what uou have is not so bad as uou first thought.
    you have roof over your head, an good man by your side, food to eat and so forth.
    i'm not saying that it is easy doing this, just saying that it is an possibility, if you just let it.

    as for the detachment part, that is also good, but don't get to detached, you still need some ground to build your house on...

    And, in the end, as some old fool around here always says, it's all good practice...

    thank you for your thoughts and practice.

    mtfbwy
    Fugen
    Life is our temple and its all good practice
    Blog: http://fugenblog.blogspot.com/

  4. #4
    Julia,

    All my adult life I have been a nomad. I don't own a home and I don't see it easy for me to have one in quite a few years more.

    Not owning the place of my dreams is something I learned to let go a long time ago. I'm lucky enough to have a roof over my head and food on my plate today. That's all that matters, really.

    Letting go of desires and fantasies makes life a lot easier.

    Gassho,

    Kyonin
    Hondō Kyōnin
    奔道 協忍

  5. #5
    This makes me recall a course on Decision Making I took maybe 45 years ago. it defined a problem as being when a difference exists between the "What is" and the "What should be." Once that difference is resolved; voila, no problem. Looking at any problem, most times, you can see that the difference exists in your mind. Most often we can do too much wishing and too little accepting. Like Fugen noted, it's not easy but, a possibility. There is a 12th floor condo (pent house) overlooking the (high above) entire world without obstruction that I would just love to live in (here in Sarnia 12 is as high as you can go,lol); oh well (sigh)!!

    gassho, Shokai
    Last edited by Shokai; 04-23-2013 at 10:54 AM.
    合掌,生開
    gassho, Shokai

    仁道 生開 / Jindo Shokai

    "Open to life in a benevolent way"

    https://sarushinzendo.wordpress.com/

  6. #6
    Hi Julia and all,

    Now that a tiny bit of clarity is starting to peek through the fog I was in recently, I had the thought that this was somehow a lesson to teach me to detach from "place". But then I start thinking, "Ok, so if I start detaching from the idea of having a house/location I love...*then* can I have a house/location I love?"
    Yes, absolutely!

    There is so much good advice here, so what I have to say might be a repeat. But from my experiences, since we move around a lot, I've redefined the importance or fantasy of home. I always tell my boys that home is where we are all together. We lived in crusty apartments, a tiny decrepit house, a big house, and now (in my opinion) a house that is too big. I love my house now, it is one that I can safely say is a house of my dreams. But I know not to get attached to it, as we will be moving on from it within a year or so. I will enjoy it for as long as I have it.

    Make wherever you are, your home. It can be an amazing home, albeit temporary. So love it temporarily until you can find another home to love. Even a hotel can be home if you have the proper mindset - we lived in one of those too.

    Take care,
    Kelly/Jinmei

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by KellyRok View Post
    I always tell my boys that home is where we are all together. We lived in crusty apartments, a tiny decrepit house, a big house, and now (in my opinion) a house that is too big. I love my house now, it is one that I can safely say is a house of my dreams. But I know not to get attached to it, as we will be moving on from it within a year or so. I will enjoy it for as long as I have it.

    Make wherever you are, your home. It can be an amazing home, albeit temporary. So love it temporarily until you can find another home to love. Even a hotel can be home if you have the proper mindset - we lived in one of those too.
    Beautiful.

    Thank you for this teaching, Jinmei.

    Gassho,

    Kyonin
    Hondō Kyōnin
    奔道 協忍

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Jundo View Post
    Could you image living in a wooden monastery in old Japan, in the cold and snow, no heaters or lights, modern plumbing, little privacy, mosquitoes in summer?
    Ask me (person allergic to the sun) that in July when it's 120 degrees outside and I would say: "Heck yeah let's try it!"

    The "nicer" place I just moved out of was a very unhealthy environment emotionally. So there's more than one kind of bad space, really. The one I'm in now is older, smaller, and costs more (which I need to start earning, and fast) but I don't feel that cold, bleak gloomy feeling I have felt in other places and my spirits have lifted higher than I even thought they would. It's a good-feeling space. I didn't even go out at all yesterday since I didn't have to. Normally I'm fleeing off to the nearest Starbucks or anyplace that has free wifi so I can work.

    Perhaps I compare myself with others too much -- when I'm at someone's beautiful, expensive home I feel really envious, especially if the owners are my age or younger. I think, "Why haven't I gotten to this point by now?" I feel like it's a kind of failure.

    The thing is, I wouldn't know how to maintain a home properly if someone forced me to take it; I have no concept of something that seems like a normal, expected stage in life for people in my general society.

    It's just something I tend to muse over very often, in spite of the increased patience and acceptance of other things I have managed to develop.

    [Added in an edit after trigger-happy typing fingers submitted message too soon]:

    Kyonin, I have always admired your simple attitude towards big things and how it makes them shrink to little things.

    Jinmei, your message made me think back to a few weeks ago when I first made the scary decision to simply *leave* my mother's house with no concrete plans for where to go. Ended up in a hotel room the first few nights...and I felt very free and calm in a situation where I'd usually have an anxiety attack. I remember thinking, "I could live right here."


    Still, as I mentioned in my previous drama of last year, it's another opportunity to get rid of *stuff* and think more towards travelling lighter through life.


    Gassho
    Julia
    Last edited by murasaki; 04-23-2013 at 06:31 PM. Reason: ADD
    "The Girl Dragon Demon", the random Buddhist name generator calls me....you have been warned.

    Feed your good wolf.

  9. #9
    Mp
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by KellyRok View Post
    Hi Julia and all,



    Yes, absolutely!

    There is so much good advice here, so what I have to say might be a repeat. But from my experiences, since we move around a lot, I've redefined the importance or fantasy of home. I always tell my boys that home is where we are all together. We lived in crusty apartments, a tiny decrepit house, a big house, and now (in my opinion) a house that is too big. I love my house now, it is one that I can safely say is a house of my dreams. But I know not to get attached to it, as we will be moving on from it within a year or so. I will enjoy it for as long as I have it.

    Make wherever you are, your home. It can be an amazing home, albeit temporary. So love it temporarily until you can find another home to love. Even a hotel can be home if you have the proper mindset - we lived in one of those too.

    Take care,
    Kelly/Jinmei
    Yes Jinmei, this is beautiful, I like the way you think.

    Gassho
    Shingen

  10. #10
    Don't it always seem to go
    That you don't what you got til its gone
    They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

    By joni mitchel

  11. #11
    I kind of feel the same as you, Julia, going from one crappy situation to another sometimes, not knowing when it's all supposed to start looking like a life.

    My eighth anniversary, though we're not married, is on Monday and things just kind of look the same, with slow, accumulated changes over the years. Neither of us are super goal-oriented or in school. We just keep going to work every day, paying our rent, enjoying the fact that despite some recent troubles, we have a home made of more than one room, and lucky, perhaps, that we don't have children and are still young.

    I often get struck by the idea that I need to be working on something, but when I ask myself what that thing would be, I don't know. All I know is I don't really want to be making Subway sandwiches, though the job has its enjoyable, tenzo-like aspects. What, then, will I do? I don't know! It took so long to find a job, shouldn't I just keep on it for a minute? Seems a lot of the people I know know what they want to be doing and are working toward it. Maybe they are all faking it, like me!

    Karma's the reason things look the way they do. Not good karma vs. bad karma, but the karma that just keeps the wheel rolling, regardless of who's driving. Water running down the easiest course, and all that.

    I hope things start running along in your favor, Julia.
    求道芸化 Kyūdō Geika
    I am just a priest-in-training, please do not take anything I say as a teaching.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Amelia View Post

    the job has its enjoyable, tenzo-like aspects.
    Love it

    Metta for you both, Amelia and Julia, and for all of us that don't really know if we are in the right place, work, track.... I don't know... but it is all good practice indeed

    Gassho
    Thank you for your practice

  13. #13
    I should add that this has been my view at almost every phase -- everywhere I ended up, at some point I would think, "Gosh, I have had horrible luck with housing and places." Then I would try to get to...wherever else I could. It seems like my whole life has been that story playing over and over.
    Hi Julia, I think you and Jundo already hit the nail on the head. The only thing I would like to add is that in the military, during survival training, they taught us a concept they called "small victories." Whether trying to survive on a desert island or in a prison camp the concept is the same. Try to get a couple of "wins" in every day no matter how small. In your case it means that every day you should try to make your living arraignment a little better. No matter how small and trivial it may seem, those little steps add up. Saving 75 cents in a jar for a move somewhere else, painting a crate and making it a new comfortable place to sit, repairing a hole, or simply cleaning up some dishes. Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, focusing on a few small victories can really change things around. I think this concept goes really well with the idea of samu. You sit and accept everything as it is, then you get up and do what needs to be done!


    Seems a lot of the people I know know what they want to be doing and are working toward it. Maybe they are all faking it, like me!
    Amelia, I spent over 20 years one job and I'm about to start school soon to embark on another, entirely different career. At no point did I ever have a clue about what I wanted to do with my life or what I wanted to be when I grew up (whenever that grown up up thing happens.) I just keep on playing with fun stuff around people I like and things keep working out.
    If I'm already enlightened why the hell is this so hard?

  14. #14
    Wow! I love this Nengyo!

    The only thing I would like to add is that in the military, during survival training, they taught us a concept they called "small victories." Whether trying to survive on a desert island or in a prison camp the concept is the same. Try to get a couple of "wins" in every day no matter how small. In your case it means that every day you should try to make your living arraignment a little better. No matter how small and trivial it may seem, those little steps add up. Saving 75 cents in a jar for a move somewhere else, painting a crate and making it a new comfortable place to sit, repairing a hole, or simply cleaning up some dishes. Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, focusing on a few small victories can really change things around. I think this concept goes really well with the idea of samu. You sit and accept everything as it is, then you get up and do what needs to be done!
    I'm going to remember this on those days when I'm feeling not-so-positive. Thank you for sharing!

    Gassho,
    Kelly/Jinmei

  15. #15
    Enjoying this thread. Julia, you've got good perspective as far as I'm concerned! I don't think I've ever had the idea of a dream home, but I know for some people that's part of the big life dream. For me it's just a place to hang my hat.

    Amelia -- that's interesting. I think if you don't have any specific desire re: career, then just doing what you do--what's wrong with that? Maybe if you had something specific you really wanted to do, but you just sort of kept putting it off or were lazy about pursuing it, you might say okay something's amiss here. But it doesn't sound that way at all for you. Maybe something will come up, maybe it won't!

    I know what you mean about "those people" who just seem to have always known what they wanting to do and pursue it doggedly. I'm not one of those people, either. I just sort of fell into my career at a young age and took a "bloom where you're planted" attitude. But I won't lie, I daydream quite a bit about abandoning it for something else entirely!

    Engyo--that's cool--good luck to you! I could see myself doing something similar (complete change) if this career hits a brick wall!
    Thanks,
    Kaishin (開心, Open Heart)
    Please take this layman's words with a grain of salt.

  16. #16
    Kaishin,

    You're right, I guess there's nothing wrong with the way I'm living. I'm grateful for what I have. I guess that discomfort I feel is just basic dukkha: grasping. Grasping for grasping.

    This sounds cheese, but what I looked forward to most about "growing up" was falling in love. I got all I wanted in that respect, so now I get to live this portion of my life enjoying that relationship.
    求道芸化 Kyūdō Geika
    I am just a priest-in-training, please do not take anything I say as a teaching.

  17. #17
    I often reflect that I live like a king compared to how even kings lived in centuries past. If one ever has a chance to visit the Palace of Versailles or any of the great homes from 200 or more years ago, one will first notice the absence of electricity, indoor plumbing (the servants would bring in chamber pots), refrigerators and microwave ovens, modern heating and air conditioners, televisions, radios, computers. One might also notice the absence of general sanitation, automobiles, modern medicine and the like. Please don't even ask how the servants lived in their homes! (In fact, much of the world outside the west ... even sometimes in it ... still lives so).

    So, it is hard for me to feel sorry for the little drafts and inconveniences in my own home which is big and more than spacious enough, with a garden (not quite the size of Versailles) and having all of the above. The fact is that even the typical home of a family under the poverty line these days in the west will still usually have many of the things that kings of old never dreamed of ... a fridge, electric lights, a microwave, constant entertainment on the tube, heat (hopefully), a phone, toilet, shower, recorded music at one's fingertips. Our rising expectations cause us never to be satisfied even when we live better than kings!

    That does not mean that I think it perfectly fine that many in my own country still live in violent and drug filled neighborhoods, in rat filled housing where kids live in terror. I do not, and it is the great disgrace of America that so many live in such way. I also dream of the day when everyone in the world can have access to the basics of life ... a warm place to sleep, health care, education, safety. We must keep striving until all our fellow human beings are so. I think it also fine that most of us might want to move to a home or neighborhood cleaner, quieter, safer than where one now finds oneself (my gosh, I think back to some of the horrible noisy and run down apartments I used to live in in rather dangerous neighborhoods. I am glad to be out).

    However, it is also so easy for us to have ever rising standards of what we "need", never realizing and satisfied with what we already have even if far from "perfect". Most of us live better than Louis XIV.

    I saw this picture on the web today, thought it fits here somehow ...

    Gassho, J

    Last edited by Jundo; 04-25-2013 at 05:05 AM.
    ALL OF LIFE IS OUR TEMPLE

  18. #18
    Thanks, Jundo. Gassho
    求道芸化 Kyūdō Geika
    I am just a priest-in-training, please do not take anything I say as a teaching.

  19. #19
    Mp
    Guest
    Wonderful Jundo!

    Gassho
    Shingen

  20. #20
    Most of us live better than Louis XIV.
    This is the absolute truth... and yet I still find myself "needing" newer cars, faster computers, bigger phones, and more luxurious housing on a daily bases. What was once a great evolutionary adaption to make sure we always had enough food and shelter, has become quite ridiculous in the modern era. I think I'll just go for a walk instead.
    If I'm already enlightened why the hell is this so hard?

  21. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by Rich View Post
    Don't it always seem to go
    That you don't what you got til its gone
    They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

    By joni mitchel

    Funny how that can work in the other direction, too.

    There was a factory
    Now there are mountains and rivers
    We caught a rattlesnake
    Now we got something for dinner
    There was a shopping mall
    Now it's all covered with flowers
    If this is paradise
    I wish I had a lawnmower


    Talking Heads

    Gassho

    Jen

  22. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Nenka View Post
    Funny how that can work in the other direction, too.

    There was a factory
    Now there are mountains and rivers
    We caught a rattlesnake
    Now we got something for dinner
    There was a shopping mall
    Now it's all covered with flowers
    If this is paradise
    I wish I had a lawnmower


    Talking Heads

    Gassho

    Jen
    Ha, thanks Nenka. Everything is a matter of perspective, so I will continue with even more Talking Heads, from "The Big Country."

    I see the shapes,
    I remember from maps.
    I see the shoreline.
    I see the whitecaps.
    A baseball diamond, nice weather down there.
    I see the school and the houses where the kids are.
    Places to park by the fac'tries and buildings.
    Restaunts and bar for later in the evening.
    Then we come to the farmlands, and the undeveloped areas.
    And I have learned how these things work together.
    I see the parkway that passes through them all.
    And I have learned how to look at these things and I say,

    I wouldn't live there if you paid me.
    I couldn't live like that, no siree!
    I couldn't do the things the way those people do.
    I couldn't live there if you paid me to.

  23. #23
    All I can do is bow to this thread. Thank you everyone. I know it sounds corny, but you all always give me so much.

    Gassho,

    Risho

  24. #24
    Thanks for the thread. It has given me some much needed perspective. It's always too easy for me to take what I have for granted.

    Gassho,

    Simon

  25. #25
    Mp
    Guest
    Yes, this has been a wonderful thread with some great minds at work.

    Gassho
    Shingen

  26. #26
    Quote Originally Posted by catfish View Post
    I still find myself "needing" newer cars, faster computers, bigger phones, and more luxurious housing on a daily bases.
    First I'd like to say that I have really enjoyed this thread. Before I have realized lately that before I began to dive into Zen Buddhism, I was already discovering for myself many of its principles. The first step I took on the path was severing my attachment to possessions. This thought arose from the question, "What is ownership anyway? How can I own something? What is 'own?' 'Own' isn't something I can experience, it is merely a word attached to an idea that is not conductive to my peace of mind." So, thinking in that manner I saw that everything that I "have" I am merely using for a time, like a library book. I began to see all these objects as mere ashes, not worth investing my emotions in.

    The only antidote to a mind that is always on the quest for newer, bigger and better things is to see that there's no difference between a Porsche and a station wagon in the long run. They are both only ashes. Parts will go out on both, eventually they cease to run. Each submits to rust and decay and sooner or later they are unusable.

    Another note, I was trying to help my 18 year old cousin who wanted some nicer clothes for an interview even though the clothes she had were perfectly sufficient. I told her that with the right disposition you can wear rags as if they're flowing robes, or robes as if they're rags.

    Gassho,
    John

  27. #27
    much wisdom here!
    Gassho, Jakudo
    Gassho, Shawn Jakudo Hinton
    It all begins when we say, “I”. Everything that follows is illusion.
    "Even to speak the word Buddha is dragging in the mud soaking wet; Even to say the word Zen is a total embarrassment."
    寂道

  28. #28
    Not having time to read through the whole thread, though i'm sure it's insightful, perhaps the reason these things keeps happening to you isn't bad luck or "bad karma". It's exactly the opposite. Imagine how you'd benefit by being able to be at peace with all those difficulties. How you could then better serve others. Maybe it's actually "good karma" and you've been given your own personal and perfect Zen training ground( arguably everything is but I think you know what I mean).

    Having had long chains of what was perceived as bad luck I realized that without these experiences i'd have ended up totally different. and I like me damnit! Liberation from suffering doesn't happen through avoiding it. and wishing life was better will only distract you from what your life is. Good and bad.

    But what the hells do I know? *shrug*

    Dave _/\_

  29. #29
    I am on the brink of moving from a house I love into a much smaller apartment with no garden and the solitude I have become used to here. Is a financial necessity but not one I am welcoming.

    This thread is a welcome reminder that home is more a state of mind than any particular location. I will be there and so will my kids and shrine space and it would do me well to remember the hundreds of thousands of people across the planet who are without adequate shelter and a little downsizing really isn't the end of the world.

    Gassho
    Andy

  30. #30
    Mp
    Guest
    For me, one of the things I have done to help simplify my life is to downsize my place of living, clothing, and possessions I own. Then, I use the stuff I have until it can't be used anymore and replace it then.

    I started this about 3 years ago and when I first started it was hard, but over time I grew to be content with what I had and happier with the things I didn't.

    The great thing to is, when it comes to laundry day, nice that I only have one load.

    Gassho
    Shingen

  31. #31
    Yugen
    Guest
    We too have begun to radically reassess our needs in terms of living space, expenditures, "living on the treadmill" so to speak... Living well is not a matter of having stuff....

    Materialism and money is like drugs ... Maybe because from the buddhist perspective materialism and spending are intoxicants that cloud the mind. There is no such thing as enough, you always want more, and the more you use the more paranoid you get...

    I have made a commitment that from now until snowfall in autumn I will use my bike to commute and run errands (unless I'm hauling stuff then I will have to use my Subaru - in winter I can use my MTB) I will save money on gas, lower my carbon footprint, and do some good for my body. When I first started guiding years ago, I had a friend who didn't own a car and used his bike or kayak to commute. I was envious. I'm really going to try and build my life around not using a car.

    We buy our food locally now (love shopping at Whole Paycheck but can't afford it with teenage appetites in the house) have joined a CSA and have shut off the luxury cell phone plans (four devices in the family) and gone to no-contract plans. It's really liberating.

    Thanks for an awesome thread and all the courage you have shown Julia, Amelia, Karasu, et al.

    Deep bows
    Yugen
    Last edited by Yugen; 05-01-2013 at 12:03 PM.

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